Goodbye, well "later".... (Sept 16, 2007)
(This is a blog i wrote on my Myspace on Sept 16, 2007, please excuse the typos!)in the previous blog, i said that my ex got back in contact with me. this caused a mess. me i was so confused because i was starting to like someone else i've been talking to. this caused a little bit of a problem witht he new guy, and he didn't want to get hurt. he felt like i still love my ex. i told him i'll always have a place for him in my heart, but that i need to move on and see what else is out there like he did. the new guy got a little jealous, and that's not a good thing, but i see where he's coming from, just wanting to cut me off so that he doesn't get hurt.
now my ex, i miss him. we've been texting each other all week, well mainly him texting me first. i was kinda wishing he'd stop. he seemed to keep hinting at wanting to meet up, and i'm like i don't think so. this has had me thinking all week about whether i should even be friend with him, which is what he want to do, but i know he wants to get back together, tho he said he understands if i don't wanna talk to him and am seeing other people.
like i might've said in the previous blog, i don't think it's been enough time for him to want to run back to me, especially if thing's didn't work out with whoever he was talking to. which is what i told him today. i decided to cut him off again, for a while, if not forever. i need to really move on. i mean i miss him, and there maybe a chance later on, but right now i need to do me. he had his chance, and i want mine. not just because he had his chance, but us breaking up has made me think about there being something better out there. if we didn't break up, we'd probably still be together. i'd probably still be trying to figure out what i want to do with my life. breaking up has pushed me to really think about what i want to do because i wasn't no longer thinking about how my decision would effect the significate other in my life,. since i've decided to go back to school, i'll just let guys know that ahead of time.
i told him i can't be friends because i need to move on and it's hard if i'm trying to date someone else and be friends with my ex at the same time. those feelings will be there, i'll always care about him. that's not going to help a new relationship, at least not now. i have to be complete over him because i can be friends with him, and right now, i don't know about that. either way i don't want to be with him because i don't know if i can trust him, or if he appreciate me, or if he'd be honest with his feelings. i also don't feel that 4 months is enough time for him to know what he's wants in his life when it comes to women. he was only tlaking to 2 girls. that didn't work out, what if the next girl worked out? i told him 4 months isn't enough time, and i don't want it to be that if me and him got back together, then he see's another girlhe likes, then break it off with me. i don't want to get hurt again.
i told him not to wait on me because i don't know what will happen. i told him i don't expect for him to wait on me and that he need's to continue to date. if late one, our relationships don't work out, and we're both single, and he changes for the better, and i can finally trust him, and he appreciate me, maybe then, we can try, but right now, no. i feels he needs to figre out what he wants, and he also needs to know what he's going to do with his life reguarding school. also i maybe moving away, but he did say that if he had a better job, and if we were together and things were going good, he'd be more willing to try a long distance relationship, because he'd have the money to travel and he'll probably be on his way to falling in love.
this relationship crap sucks! i wish it was alot easier. we talked for about 4 hours tonight. i originally called to just get it out and say "we can't talk no more", but we got the talking about something else silly, lol. i really miss our friendship we had. i eventually got around to that, and he said he understood. we talked some more about where our lives were heading, and i was like yeah, we gotta stop talking for now. we didn't want to get off the phone with one another, but i had to go because i got work. i started to cry, because i was letting him go again, and he told me not to, but i couldn't help it. i felt like this was for the best, but i'm wondering if i'm making a mistake and if i should keep him in my life. i don't know. for now i feel like it maybe best, especially while i'm dating other people, because what guy would want to date a girl who's ex is always coming around or still talks to her? i don't think they would, heck i wouldn't.
i told him later instead of goodbye, because i know he hate's to say goodbye, and i know i'll probably call him again one day to check on him. we were discusing plans with our lives, and i told him that he needs ot make a plan to get his life in order. since i care about him, i may call him to check on him, but i'm sure he'd be doing fine. i check his myspace page from tiem to time when i know i shouldn't. that'll let me know what's up with him, especially if he writes a blog.
it's funny how things can change in a matter of days, weeks, or months. if he had just made up his mind to contact me maybe about a month ago, maybe, just maybe i would've said "yes, let's try this again, i want rto be with you". or maybe i would've been like "hell no i don't wanna talk to you, don't talk to me". he said he expected me to do the latter, but i told him i have a soft spot in my heart for him. i guess you always will for your first love.
2 Comments:
I wish I would have been strong like you. We are/were going through something very similiar, only I took my ex back in a way, and I dropped every guy I was talking too, only to discover that things did'nt change with my ex at all. Im actually very hurt now and before I took him back I was fine, maybe not completely but I was a lot better than I am now. Your blog just inspired me to let him go for now, no matter how much I love him.
Relationships can be a pain. LOL That's all I ever write about on my blog.
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