Past Issues I Had....
....i really cant believe how boring i am, i just went through my blog and looked at pretty much all of the old postings i did, boring boring boring i tell you!....i cant believe how much i use to complain and be sad and depressed! .....well have complained in the past...i know that i complain alot and i have been trying to stop that and bite my tongue....but there's a reason for that....though i doubt if anyone actually went back through my blog and red old post from over 2 years ago...but these are some post that are important to see i guess where i've come from, and what i've over come because i'm not at that point anymore in my life....today is a new day ya'll! well lets go to (http://toya81.blogspot.com/2002/02/hey-people-out-there-how-are-you-all.html) my first ever post on this blog ....on there i was complaining about how i dont like valentine's day...which i still kinda dont like, lol, but i may be over it, because sweetest day was on oct 16th and i didnt even know it was that day, and i didnt feel sad or anything...i just realized that it's just another day...maybe i'm finally able to be comfortable with being by my self, which is good i guess, because that's something that i've been trying to work on...i need to learn how to be by my self, like my self, and build up my self confidence before i can have anyone else liking me....here's my (http://toya81.blogspot.com/2002/02/well-lets-see-this-is-my-2nd-post-and.html) 2nd post , i was just talking about how i spent my v-day.....with (http://toya81.blogspot.com/2002/07/well-well-well-i-havent-posted-here-in.html) my 3rd post ever, i sort of talk about why i started my blog and that that was my first time posting since my 2nd post in like 5 months! as you can see i'm not very consistent with posting on my blog....ok now i will not go and give a link for EVERY post that i've done....but i just want to put links for the important ones.....theses post kinda show where i was at at that point in time....this one shows i guess how i didnt know how to deal with guys....i guess i am very naieve when it comes to guys and dating...but i'm learning slowly, and folks tell me stuff but i know i just ant listen to one person, so i try to take it in and use what i feel is the best advice for me.......
so here is one incident that i had in which i may have over reacted, but i was young, and unexperience as i am still now, now this post (http://toya81.blogspot.com/2002/07/well-wassup-again-people-its-like-223.html) , this guy right here, i met from BP, but i went to H.S with his sister , but it didnt really go anywhere (never meet anyone and try to date anyone from the net, you may feel like you know them pretty well, but most of the time, or probably 90% of the time, it wont work....) we talked ont he phone everyday before we met in person, he would call me all the time and didnt give me a chance to call.....so we decided to meet when i went back home to chicago for summer break, and we did...i went to his job, he worked at the park with the kids, he was in charge of activities and games and a b-ball coach there.....very nice and that negro was FINE, but after we met, i guess i was SO SO nervous about meeting him that i didnt talk, and he was mad at that, he later told me that he didnt like quiet people, and stopped talking to me, and i found out in this link here (http://toya81.blogspot.com/2002/07/well-its-309-am-im-about-to-go-to-bed.html) that he ended up dating someone else which hurted a little, but after that i realized that i cant get mad if a dude ends up dating someone else if he wasnt mine t begin with...but see these were things that i didnt know because i didnt date in H.S and i just kept to my self....we dont talk anymore, if i IM him he seems to not wanna talk, and if i send him a note on BP, he doesnt respond...but i have no ill wishes towards him, because it really wasnt that serious, but i really hate for someone to all of a sudden stop talking to me, so thats really why it hurted, because i wanted to be friends eith him, i thought we had stuff in common but i guess not.....but hey maybe if i wasnt so nervous when i met him....but i had social anxiety then and really had a hard time talking to people without getting nervous....but with that situaton i was hurt, and i dont know why now because it didnt really make sense...but i guess it has to go back to my social anxiety and like when i was talking to my Pastor last year about how i feel that i fail at relationships....
i was scared to talk to guys (i would get nervous and not talk or think that maybe to them i wasnt that pretty, and i felt ugly alot)...and had a hard time making friends (most of the time because i thought they wouldnt like me, or that i might not be interesting or say something so stupid that they wouldnt want to talk to me again)....i always beat my self up (not literally)...but you know i put my self down, as if it's always my fault that i dont have a boyfriend, or that why i dont have many friends, or why i always felt that i was alone for all of those years and didnt have anyone to talk to....but thank God for bringing me through that, it's a struggle and sometimes i still get a little down, but i know that i have to talk my spirit up and that the Devil is a liar and i will not let him put thoughts in my head that will destroy my self esteem or make me feel like no one will ever love me at all or that people dont like me....it's something i struggle with everyday...
now i've never been suicidal, but i just felt like going into a hole somtimes and not coming out....but it's a mind thing that i have to get over, and i know i'm not alone because i got God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit, but sometimes i just want a real friend that i can talk to...someone that i can hang with and that will be compassionate and not judge me or make fun oh me or my situation....but talking to folks at church, i later learned that i am not the only person that feel this way....and there's so many other people out there that have been through depression, anxiety, anxeity attacks, social anxiety, panic attacks, bi-polar disorder, and any other mental illnesses...in some cases you may not be able to help it, like the bi-polar disorder (aka manic depressant), but the other things are all in ya mind...but i thank God that he's heard my prayers and that i did have some people at a certain point in my life to help me to get over those things, well at least to a different place than i was 1-3 years ago....hey i pray to God all the time asking him to keep my mind because i really dont want to loose it...but like my Grandpa said a little while back, like earlier this year 'we're all a little crazy, we all have something that maybe wrong with us, at anytime we can end up with a mental illness, but it depends on how good you can handel the stuff in your mind and in the world, because if you cant handel it, you will go crazy and it will show (he might didnt say it in those exact words, but it was along those lines) ...
but here are some other links....(http://toya81.blogspot.com/2002/08/hey-people-wassup-i-see-i-have-posted.html) when me and my cousin first started to live together, this was a time that i seemed excited and was ready to start things off new...but like i said, it's been a long struggle, so the next few sites shows where i was at that point in time: link 1 (http://toya81.blogspot.com/2002/10/sighs-wassup-people-nothing-much-going.html) this one here is pretty much my life story as to why i maybe, or use to be the way i was , link 2 (http://toya81.blogspot.com/2002/10/well-hey-i-might-not-post-nothing-for.html) this one talks about my signs of depression , link 3 (http://toya81.blogspot.com/2002/10/well-well-well-ok-im-back-my-break.html) this link here was when i finally realized that i probably had social anxiety and i just learned exactly what it was by researching it online , link 4 (http://toya81.blogspot.com/2002/10/well-today-im-doing-alright.html) this link here is when i finally went to counseling and how i felt during it , link 5 (http://toya81.blogspot.com/2003/03/well-im-back-at-school-for-minute.html) here's another failed relationship, someone my bestfirend knew, but we only talked online and on the phone, it didnt work out , link 6 (http://toya81.blogspot.com/2003/02/alrighty-people.html) and here's another v-day posting, from the next year , link 7 (http://toya81.blogspot.com/2003/07/theres-nothing-much-that-has-been.html) this link here was the point in my life when things really started to get better , this was when i started to really get involved in church.... this next link, link 8, (http://toya81.blogspot.com/2003/08/well-im-back-and-today-is-first-day-of.html) , this was the point when i finally made my mind up to fight off this depression and social anxiety, and the times when i feel so alone.....
so now that i go through my post, those are really the important ones, probably like half of my post, lol....i know someone reading this would be like "what is she babbaling about? this makes no sense"...i dont know, i just felt like putting all of this past stuff put on here because i know folks wont look through my archives, and this way they can just click and see the post and figure out where i've came from...i really dont know why i've typed this, making it's my cold doing it, cuz i'm a lil sick now...or maybe cuz i'm tired...or maybe cuz i'm bored...or heck maybe one day somebody else that struggle with the same things i do will get some sort of relief that they're not alone, and that other folks do feel like they do, and that witht he help and love from God and from family and REAL friends, that you can get through it....
right now i can say i'm not at the same point that i was at in those postings, thought i might get a little down and out at times, i know how to talk my spirit up...i tell my self that i'm beautiful and pretty, not to be conceited, but to build up my self esteem....i tell my self that i can do stuff that id idnt think i could before, like trying out being a stage manager, which i was an assistant for this last play the theater department did, and i did have to deal with people, something i wouldnt have been doing 2 years ago.....well heck now even 10 years ago...because all of the depression and social anxiety didnt start from my first year of college, heck it even started before high school...as far back as i can remember, it probably started back in like 5th or 6th grade, more than likely i believe it was 6th grade....so it's been hard to get over it, and a struggle, but i am getting over it......i sign in the choir now, and have been for the past year...something i never did when i was young though i love to sing and love Gospel music, and Love God, so that was a ministry i use to want to do when i was younger, but i never did.....i have someone thats a really good friend, thats crazy about me, but i dont want to be with him yet....thats something i wouldn't have done over a year ago, because if i had a guy to like me i wouldve been trying to be his girl....i'm not just falling for any guy....i have male friends....i talk to guys now...i havent blossomed into a social butterfly over night, and i dont have many male friends or talk to ALOT of guys, but even just 1 or 2 is a big change from me not talking to any.....
i dont get as down as before, and i do try to smile alot more now...even people at church that haven't been to church in a while, when they came back they just noticed how much i smile now, even though that's still hard sometime, but i just have to make my self do it....i dont worry about being around alot of people anymore that much and i dont get that nervous...so i've changed alot....and i thank God for that.....
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