Confidence...
...i lack it. i'm always trying to gain more, but it's hard. ok, this is another sad/vent blog, lol. i try not to do too many of those anymore, and i've been neglecting my blog, but yeah. i can be really insecure. there's a guy i'm talking to right, now, i guess we're not "dating" yet, but we've been talking. we've been spending a hell of alot of time together, so we might as well be dating. i don't know. it seems like i'm always in a situation where i'm not sure where the relationship is heading. but anyways, he says he likes me, but sometimes i'm not sure. he said if he didn't he wouldn't be spending all of this time with me. and i know he does. we're on the phone all night, he's in school all day, and we're with each other all weekend, well so far for the last month.in the beginning, i know he was like he wasn't trying to rush anything and he wanted to see his options. i said that that was fine. i wasn't trying to plan on talking or dating anyone since i stopped talking to that last jerk earlier this year, but this sort of happened. i was attracted to him, and it just went on from there. i know know instead of saying he wants to view options, he's like "well i don't know if i want to date anyone else right now", and i guess i'm the only one on his mind. but i still feel like "well what if he's not telling the truth". not that he's lying to me, but what if another girl comes along that he likes or that he's friends with. i guess it kind of gets me nervous, that maybe one of those other girls that he liked, that he told me in the beginning, might show some interest and he'll just drop me. or maybe i came on too strong and he didn't want to hurt my feelings, that's why he's still talking to me. i don't want to manipulate him or make him feel that since we've been spending so much time together that he has to be with me. i don't want to rush things, and i'm not even sure if i'm ready for a relationship, it's all kind of scary, but i'm enjoying this time with him.
maybe i just need to calm my self down, enjoy this time, and not rush anything. though we haven't had intercourse, we've made out and have had oral sex. that makes things hard. i need to stop that because i didn't want to do it in the first place. lol, i mean i wanted to, it felt good, but i'm trying not to do anything like that. plus i don't want to have intercourse cuz i'm trying to hold out on that until i'm married. some might not consider me a virgin still, but i consider my self still since i haven't had intercourse, but anyways. i'm trying to be good. i want to get my self back involved in church. i feel like i've been falling off. i've been home in Chicago for the last month and plan on moving from Carbondale. i will be leaving there in the next month since i didn't get the internship. i haven't been to church with my mama since i been home. i haven't been reading my bible, and i feel like i'm in a funk. this guy is a christian, but he hasn't been to church. he feels like he needs to get his self together, and i want him to be in a church. i know i want someone who's trying to get it right with God like i am. but i can't push, judge or make him. we all go through it that are Christians. and i sort of knew that from the beginning. i told my self i wouldn't date a guy that's not into Jesus. not just going to church, because the last jerk was in church, but really have a good relationship with Christ. maybe that's too much to ask for since i don't have myself together.
i'm ready to get myself together, but i know i can't make this guy get his self together. i like him a lot. i don't know how far this will go, but i feel like he's a good catch, besides he church thing. and he gets on my nerves, but that's another story, lol, i know i get on his nerves too. he makes me laugh, he's sweet, and caring, and i like him a lot. but dang it! why can't i find a guy that's a christian and involved in church! sometimes i feel like well if i find a guy like that and i'm not on his level with God like that, then he won't want to date me.
but i went off on a tangent kind off. i'm so worried that this guy will eventually stop talking to me. why should i be? i mean it happens all the time! but i guess since things have been going so fast, the sexual things, the being with each other all weekend, i don't know. it feels like a relationship. i said last week that we need to stop with it. we did for 2 days, but the 3rd day we were back at it. dang it! it was so much easier when i never did anything sexual at all a few years ago! i know a couple weeks ago i told him that i felt we should stop and he was like, he looked sad or disappointed "why is it that i always get the girls with a conscious?", lol. was like what? that kind of upset me. i mean i'm not going to give in just cuz he want to. last weekend i gave in cuz i wanted to (and i need to control that, lol), but yeah. he says "well we're not having intercourse, we're not doing anything", but to me it is! i'm not trying to do so much that it's going to make me want to have intercourse, so i feel i need to stop it all together. i asked him if he could deal with it, he said yeah. i guess all his ex girlfriends were like that, so called "good girls". but i don't know. maybe that should be a red flag right there about him, but i'm going to give him the benefit of the doubt. i'm not saying that i'm trying to change him or wait to see if he can change, but i want to see if he really can hold out. but besides that, i gotta make my self hold out, and it's hard! the first time i had oral sex wasn't until like 2 years ago. before that, when i was like 21 and 22 before that happened, it was easy for me. but i guess it was because i wasn't dating anyone. even after that it was easy. but since that jerk i stopped talking to last summer, and we messed around and spending a night at each other's house, i've been wanting that. so i feel like i'm falling into the same thing with this guy.
i want this to work. i graduated last year and he's graduating next year. he's a year older than me. he's a nice guy. he's sweet, he's caring. he's constantly trying to encourage me and wants me to be more confident, but i always think negative. i try not to, but it seems to be habit. also i went to talk with my pastor about a month or 2 ago to let go of some stuff i've been dealing with since childhood, and after that, he told me that at this point i might can't handle having a relationship. i know he said this, but i was already talking to this guy. i don't want to be alone, and i like this guy, and he probably wouldn't wait. i mean i even told him what my pastor said and that with so much baggage i have and stuff from my past that i need to be healed from, it will probably mess up my relationship. and some of those things are my issues with self esteem and confidence along with alot of others. and wanting a boyfriend so bad. i guess wanting that feeling of being cared about and love like you see on TV or what other people have. but i know that won't make all my problems go away. i know i need to work on my self. and i told the guy that i don't want my issues to mess up what we have or will have in the future. he said we all have issues. maybe he'll work on them with me, or be there for me.
i'm kind of all over the place with this and rambling on. i don't know if any of this makes sense, but i needed to get it out. i want things to work with him. i want both of us to get our lives together. i want to have more confidence. i want him to know what he wants. i want me to know what i want. i don't know, it's just so confusing. i guess for now i will just enjoy this time we have, not try to rush things, but i will definitely put a stop to the sexual stuff. no oral sex, no grinding or dry humping, no clothes off. the most we can do is make out and cuddle. then again i should probably stop going over to his house then. that's another thing i need to stop, but it's hard when we live on the opposites side of town and we both don't have a car. i just need to get it together. we hanging out today. i guess i will have to make the sexual stuff stop, he knows what's up from last weekend. i hope this can work, because like i said i really like him. i mean i could possibly have other options like him and i find other guys attractive, but i really like him and i want it to work. plus me moving back to Chicago in the next month will mean we have more time to spend together since before during the summer i was away down at school. we will see if this will work then. ok enough babbling. time to get up and ready to eat and for the rest of the day.
ya'll have a happy Labor Day.
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