learning how to let go
I was talking to my cousin the other day and she said something to me that i guess i never thought of. I was telling her about the trust issues i have because of past relationships. Because of one particular relationship i'm always feeling like i'm going to get played. I'm always worried about someone cheating or flirting or not liking/loving me anymore because they fell in love with someone else. There was a guy in college that i use to talk to for a long time. in the end he got busted by me and his ex because he called his self trying to get with the both of us. i guess that i never really realize how much that really hurt me until yesterday. my cousin said that because i tried to be so strong after that, that i just got up and pushed that situation in the back of my mind and moved on. but just because i moved on didn't mean that i healed.i asked my cousin then how do i heal from that? i mean i kinda laughed the situation off when it happened and ignored him though he still tries to continue to contact me to this day, but i just wanted it to be a learning experience and move on. he caused me alot of hurt and alot of the baggage i have right now. this baggage caused problems in my last relationship when i didn't realize it did and it's causing problems in my new relationship. i just want to be able to trust, and if i don't trust a person because of good reasons, i just want to be confident enough t o leave, but i don't want to not trust a person just because i'm paranoid. i want to be able to discern between the two.
so last night as i went to bed, i did what my cousin said and prayed. what she told me to was to pray and ask God to expose those past hurts. i prayed, and as i was praying, i asked God to help me to forgive all of the people that i felt have hurt me, this guy i'm talking about, my ex boyfriend, and my current boyfriend. i also asked God to please help me to forgive all of the failed relationships i've had with men. these relationships weren't sexual, and we weren't necessarily dating, but they were guys that i was interested in that i felt that abandoned me. these are guys who just stopped talking to me out of the blue which was hard to understand, and very hurtful to me, especially with me dealing with my social anxiety and depression at the time. in the past i was so shy and nervous talking to guys, so when i tried to or succeeded at it, it was a big task, but i didn't know how to keep their attention so they just disappeared. i have alot of hurt because of those guys as well. i liked them but they didn't like me the same back. that was several guys, we met and we just didn't click, and that hurt because we clicked before we actually met.
i also asked God to help me to forgive the first guy who ever tried to really talk to me. it was freshman year of college, and the summer after freshmen year, he gave me my first kiss...and the next year he walked past me as if he didn't know who i was. that really hurt me.
so with all of these failed relationships and friendships, i cried and asked God to please help me to forgive these people.
i'm currently reading Power of a Praying Woman and she has int hat book about unforgiveness and how sometimes you have to not just forgive a person once, but you need to continue to forgive them. me asking God to help me to forgive those failed relationships and friendships wasn't the first time i did that. i actually did it about 4-5 years ago when my pastor in college told me to write down a list of every single failed relationship, whether it be romantic, friendship, or family, and to call out them people by name and forgive them. after reading this book, i've realize that i have to ask to forgive them maybe everyday until i finally forgive, or at least every time thoughts of unforgiveness comes up (which is what the book says).
i also had to ask God to please forgive me and to help me to forgive my self. there is alot of things in my life that i've done and allowed to happen that i wish i didn't do or let happen. i really have to learn to forgive my self so that i can grow and i hope and pray that God helps me along with this.
I also ask God for confidence in my self and to be confident in Him that he will help me and heal me. So please God please heal my old wounds, i don't want a quick bandage on them anymore like my cousin said i had because it seems as though the scared have been picked at and never been able to heal. i want them to heal completely, inside and out.
this felt good getting this off my chest and to just let it out in the open.
so i ask pray for me and pray with me.
if anyone still reads this, let me know, leave a comment.
if you've struggled with forgiving people, lt me know what your experience is and what have you done to help you to forgive that person.
i hope all is well with everyone, be blessed, take care.
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