Crushes (Part 3, the last one seriously)
Ok, this is the last one! I know that the other 2 are too dang on long and no one will probably read them, and they might sound like I'm rambling on, but I dont care! I gotta get this out so I can feel better, lol. Besides, I know I could write about them later on down the line, but I might forget. I think I'm developing earl alzheimers and my short term memory is leaving me it seems. So I'll just write about this now.There's this guy that I liked last year. I met him in the summer of 2003 when we had a analytical writing class together, English 290. He's VERY tall, like 6'7", and I like tall guys. Since I was still going through my depression and social anxiety, I was still so nervous talking to guys. He approached me however. I wasnt sure if he liked me, maybe he didnt, he was probably just being nice.
(I actually typed the above last night, but I had to log off because the pc lab closed at 10pm and I dont have the net at home anymore, no to finish it up and something new)
So we had class together, and in our class we had to read each other's papers. So I wrote a paper on the type of books I like, and I guess he was into the same type of books, so he gave me a copy of one of the authors I listed. I was like "oh ok, cool, thanks" because I'm not reallyuse to a guy approaching me like that. He didnt come at me like some of these other guys talking about "Hey shorty come here" or "hey ma' can I get ya number?", he just gave me a book thats all, but maybe that was apart of his game, to be a gentleman, lol, I'm always suspicious. So when we would leave class, he would walk with me when I went to the library after class and sit with me, and talk to me, but me being kinda nervous still, I didnt really know what to say to him, and I would be all quiet and act shy. I was mad at my self because I was like "wow another guy wants to talk to me but i'm being too shy!", but I couldnt help it. He would always ask how tall I was, I guess because he liked tall girls since he's 6'7", and compliment me. He would compliment me on my hair too, which was a surprise because I figured most guys probably wouldnt try to holla at a girl that's wearing her hair natural, cuz my hair is nappy as heck, and I've broken a few combs from combing through my hair, lol. But he liked the lil fro i would wear, or afro puff, and especially the twist, smh, talking about i should put one of those cowrie(sp) shells in my hair.
So we had small talk in class, but we never talked on the phone. So I happened to come across his page on BP (everyone and their mama is on there, even my daddy got an account on there, smh), and I read on his page some poems he did and about how his parents were divorced because his father use to abuse his mother and how he use to be scared about that, so I felt a lil sad for him, because I understand and my parents are divorced to. So I sent a note telling him that it was me from the english class and so he wrote back. Well after the class was over, it was a 8 week class, I didnt get a number from him. He didn't really talk as much to me as he did in the middle of the semester, but he did talk. Actually in the beginning of the semester I never said nothing to him, he always spoke to me, because from some reason I didn't like him, I guess because he reminded of this other guy I use to like, so he kinda got on my nerves. So I sent him a note asking when he was going to cook, and he was like "naw you cook for me", but see I'm not about to cook for some negro, so I told him he has to cook for me. So he gave me his number and we decided to just hang in his dorm room and watch movies, "I'm gonna git you Sucka" I believe (one of my favorite movies, lol), because he just moved back on campus because he was about to be an RA for the upcoming school year.
This negro went out to eat with the other RA's and stood me up! I was SO mad. I thought he did it on purpose, which he probably did, but he called me back later and said he was sorry but all of the new RA's went to the movies and he forgot to call me and tell me that we couldnt hang. I was hurt because i thought he did that on purpose. So ok, the summer was over and the beginning of the fall semester of 2003 started. That august of 2003 I moved into my own apartment because me and my cousin wasnt gonna stay together anymore. So we was supposed to meet up again, and this time cook. He was trying to get me to cook, but I said I would only cook something if he cook something. He stood me up again! said he was sleep or something. So I was like ok, this guy dont like me, and he was pissing me off. I felt like he was playing games. So I called him up some time after that and asked him why he don't call me (that was probably a bad move, but I wanted to know), and he gave me some BS "It's not you, it's me, I'm just not a talkative person", psssh, whatever, everyone knows him on campus, well not everyone, but alot of people, I guess because he's so tall. Maybe I shouldnt have asked him that, but see I wanted to know. I hate to not know something. I know that may sound retarded, but I do. If I like someone, I want to know if they like me back or not, and I guess I'm like that now because of me having a crush on Patrick forlike 7 years. I hate to just sit up and wonder if they're interested or if there's the slightest possibility of us going out. Also I dont know how to deal with guys. I've never dated. I've never had a boyfriend. I'm about to be 23 in 3 days and I still never had a boyfriend. Sad I know. But that's why! I'm so inexperienced in alot of things, I know I'm naieve in some areas of life, but that's all due to me being nervous talking to people, especially guys I liked. I know my cousin wouldve been like "Dont call a guy and ask him that" "Or dont ask a guy out, thats something they should do", but I feel like I have to do those things because, I dont know, I missed out on all of that stuff when I was in high school. Alot of stuff I'm just now learning I feel like I'm years behind, which I probably am, but it wasnt my fault. So now I just gotta learn on my own. But alot of people tell me "be happy you never been in a relationship yet because you didnt have to deal with alot of mess with breaking up and having a broken heart and getting hurt". Though I never had any of those experiences, I want to because I feel like I've missed out on so much when everyone else my age it seems already went through allthat relationship stuff.
Back to the 6'7 guy. LOL, I'm scared to even say what his name is because it's so uncommon, so if someone knew him, they would know who I'm talking about, especially since I said he's 6'7, and hey there might be someone from my school reading this, or even him, but a synonym for his name is "adore", so figure it out, and yes that's his real name, but I thought he was joking at first. So I would see him throughout the school year, and we'll speak to each other. Everytime he see's me, he makes me give him a hug. I dont even be wanting to give him one. From looking at his BP page, it suddenly said "involved/partner", so I guess he ended up having a girlfriend later, so maybe that's why he lost interest in me, since she must have held his interest instead so he choose her. Or maybe he never really did like me, and he was just a flirt, and I REALLy hate flirts. But then I know I shouldnt assume that any guy that's flirting with me wants to try to be with me. But how do you know? Maybe they just flirt to see if they still got it or something, or how many numbers they can pull, I dont know, but I dont like it.
So I didnt see him for much of the spring semester of this year, 2004, and didnt think much of him, I guess because I had a crush on the guy Nat, lol. I did see him one time at the library and he sat and talked with me, and as we were leaving out the library he told me "You need to get some fire in your life. Get some fire, a man, and some dick." That made me mad! And who is he to tell me that? I guess he was trying to say that I might seemed a little down or bitter or whatever because I dont have a man and I wasnt getting any. Well duh, I'm not getting any because I'm a virgin still, and when folks tell me that I need to go get some penis, that pisses me off because I'm waiting for a reason dang it! I really wanted to cuss him out, but I didnt. However in the summer of 2004, this past one, i ran into him in our student center. He comes back down the elevator and was like "Hey where you been? I missed you!", and gave me a hug. So confusing. I mean it's not like we really talked anymore, and I never called him again since I asked him why he stopped talking to me. So I was wondering why he missed me so much. So I was running late for class, and he wouldnt let me go, he was still hugging me. So I gave him my number and left, well he didn't write it down, but it's easy to remember, but I guess he didnt because he never called. Why I gave him my number? I dont know, maybe I still liked him. Or maybe I just really want to get to know him, I mean I do, not just to start dating him, but to be friends. I dont know, he just catches my attention. Maybe his height, maybe the way he first came out me, I dont know.
So yea, I know this is long, but I just wanna type it out. So i see him again this summer, and he says that he's doing aight, but not that good. His girlfriend broke up with him and gave him some lame "It's not you, it's me and i gotta go find my self B.S" he said. So I'm like, ok, but I wasnt studying him. So he tells me to call him. I don't know, maybe he wanted me to be his rebound girl, but um, I dont think so. I didnt call him, well right away that is. I called him like a week or 2 later, but it was to help me move back this past August. I wasnt feeling him anymore like that. When I called though, it was a bogus number, to Compaq or something. I sent him a note on BP like 2 months ago asking if he was still down here for school since i havent seen him around. I knew he was graduating, but i didnt know when. I havent seen him since then....
That was until 2 days ago, on monday that is :-). Yea, yea, yea. I seen him, and I started thinking to my self "I need to get out of this library before he see's me" since he walked past me 2 times, but I dont think he noticed me. He was going to print something. So I was wondering if he walked past me on purpose or if he did notice me. So the way the pc's are in the library there are like 10 rows of tables of PC's and there are computers on each side. He was towards the front of the library and I was a few rows behind him, but our backs were towards each other so we didnt see each other. So I got up to put some money on my print card, which meant that I had to go to the front of the library and he would see me since he was facing that way. I didn't look his way. When I started to walk to the print, he ran into me on purpose and hugged me. I like ran into his chest, lol. I mean when he hugs me, my head can lay on his chest. Now must guy's I've hugged, that wont happen, because they're all my height (5'10-5'11) or between 5'10-6'3 it seems. So I ask him when he graduates and he graduates this month on December 18th. He also told me that he has a job lined up in KC, MO with a department store being a manager. He's a business major. So I asked him about the bogus number, and he said that they changed it, and gave me his new cell number. So I called that night, because I wanted to make sure it wasnt fake, and he asked me "You think I'd send you off?" and I was like yea because that last number was fake.
So I dont know, I'm like I dont like this guy, but I want to get a chance to just hang and find out about him, even though he's leaving. Also I dont want my first relationship to be a long distance one, so I'm not even trying to holla at him like that. So I called him last night, he didnt answer and I left a message. He called me back, but I was one the phone and told him I'll call him back. I sent a text to him to see if he was still woke and he called me back. So we're talking asking how school is. I asked him if he was excited about having this job, and he was like no. Then all of a sudden he blurts out with "Toya why dont you just admit that you like me?" LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO *dead* I was like WTF? Well that's what I was thinking, I didnt say that, lol. So I was like "Well why do I have to like you? What makes you think that i like you? Why cant it be that you really like me?" And he was like "Well because I never had a girl to call me and not try to get up with me" And I was like "Well i'm not most girls" and he was like 'I know, you're a homebody" and I was like "you're sure right". I know this is getting BORING and LONG, but I have nothing else to right about, yet. So he was like "Well I'm not use to that". UGH thats so cocky. Why do I have to like him to call him? Ok maybe I do like him still just a little bit, but I dont know. But I was mad at that. Cockiness is a turn off for me. It also made me mad because all the times I see him, I dont go towards him, I rather go away from him. He always come to me. He's always the one that gives me hugs and makes me hug him. He's always the one talking about "I missed you". SMH. So I asked how his thanksgiving break was and he said that it was good and he thinks that he meet the girl that he is going to marry at his friends family house over break. I don't know why he told me that, maybe to see how I would re-act since i didnt admit to liking him, or maybe not. I did like him at one point, but now, I just wanna get to know him to be friends. Maybe I'm sounding indecisive, I don't know. I like him cuz he's tall, but that's not good enough, lol. He's not even the best looking guy, but his height is what I love so much about him. I don't know, but I just wanna know if he likes me! And I will bring up what he said last night sometime this or next week when I call him. Or maybe I shouldnt call him. Or maybe I'll call him because I'm bored and have no one else to talk to. But I dont know. He's playing games, I dont know, maybe not. Or maybe he do want me, and just figured that it wouldnt work since I'm a virgin. I never told him I was one, but I'm pretty sure he figured it out. Heck it seems to be written on my face. I've had people tell me that I looked like a virgin, smh. But oh well, that is all, my long and boring ass nonsense post talking about absolutely nothing. I really couldve said all this in two paragraphs and left every single detail out, but for some reason i dont know how to do that *shrugs* oh well, I'm running late for bible study, so I'll see tomorrow if anyone commented, but I doubt if anyone will make it to the end of this, lol, unless they read the begging and skip the middle and go straight to the last section, lol. Ya'll have a good night :-)
1 Comments:
Well...I can't say that I've broken any combs...my hair is weird, it's like, really curly, but if I pick it out, it's straight...I don't get it...and no, I'm not mixed, so that is not the reason either. As to this guy...he is the only one that comes across as someone annoying. I don't know how in the world you have managed to deal with someone that long. I mean, I got sent off once by this "Oh my gawd!!!" beautiful girl with a beautiful personality, and it took me a long time to talk to her again. So, I don't know about it...I would just write it off as some guy that isn't worth your time...and I wouldn't call him anymore if I were you. Plus, don't be all whatever about your hair. I really like girls that wear their hair natural. It is a defining character trait, well at least right now...just let your personality shine through with anyone that you meet that you think you would enjoy being in a relationship with...plus be glad that you didn't have a boyfriend in high school. Most high school age boys don't know what factors into having a good and healthy relationship; including me. Most of them are either out for themselves, or just want a girlfriend so they can say that they have a girlfriend. I mean, in this I am including myself because I was a horrible boyfriend. I mean, I did all the easy stuff: I bought flowers, took her out, bought clothes for her, did little romantic stuff for her, and would leave surprises for her in the house when she came home from work...that was the easy stuff. I didn't know how the actual mechanics of a relationship were suppose to go...the issue of compromise, the fact that arguing is something that is truly futile, and understanding that everything that runs through my mind when I'm angry isn't something that would be fruitful for me to say. I mean, guys can be really damaging...you should be glad that your crushes are all that you have had to deal with...and then sex, that is far, FAR worse. I mean, I'm not some crazy hoe or anything, and I don't have sex anymore, but when I did, I didn't realize how much emotional damage it can cause after the wake of euphoria passes. It isn't something to be messed around with, and I wish I never tried to do it...it would have been way more meaningful if I waited until I got married. I mean, now, it really isn't even a factor for me anymore. I've waded through so much crap by sleeping with women who weren't suppose to be my wife...I'll just say I really don't want to go through that anymore...
So just be happy about your situation, and remember that even the Bible says that your husband will approach you, so don't be in a rush to ask some guy out. Plus, if you just be who you are, without being extra shy, you will have your suitor approach you when the time is right for the both of you. Just chill, stay on point, and enjoy the life that you have been granted.
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