I think I'm ok...
...but i'm not sure...i'm mad...mad at my self for reading too much into things....mad at my self for wanting to take things more serious than they should be...when i like someone, i end up liking them too much...but what is too much? i dont understand that...i mean i dont like them to a point that i'm going to stalk them...but i guess if they're in my thoughts all the time then that's too much...i dont understand that though....all of this talking and dating stuff is new to me....i'm 23, never had a boyfriend, i'm just now coming out of my shell...i've wanted a boyfriend for a very long time, but i have wanted to date too......i dont want to seem like a bug a boo or sound like one...i dont want to scare guys off by repeatedly asking them questions because i want them to re-assure me of some things that i dont know....i dont know if any of this makes sense so far...it probably doesnt...alot of times my thought are all jumbled...whats the difference between being just friends, the "talking" stage, dating, and being boyfriend and girlfriend? do friends kiss? if friens kiss is it a little more than just being friends? how long does it take to get to know someone? do you have to be around that person often in order to get to know them? does talking on the phone either everyday or almost everyday or on the internet count? does it take weeks or months or years? or does it depend on how much you open up to each other and be truthful to each other?i know there's some things i need to work on with my self...my low self esteem, me not being sure of my self, my lack of patient, and that i can probably be mean sometimes and a little of a nag, which i dont mean to be....maybe i'm putting too much of my self into things when it comes to guys and not God....thats probably what i'm doing....still working on being a better Christian, but i'm not working hard enough, especially when it's hard for me to crack open my Bible, if not at all.....guys are so strange...so confusing...i just dont understand...so i ask questions, i sound naieve, but i havent experienced much....then, why after months and month would a guy not really let you kjnow if he was interested in you, and then now all of a sudden he wants to make you his girl when that probably something that couldve been done months ago, but he lost out, waited too late...and not just cuz of that, but because of silly things he did...and when i tellh im i'm talking to someone (James), he's like "Well why didnt you tell me that?" well why didnt that sucka tell me about his on and off girlfriend....and with James, which is who i was sort of talking about above...when i think we're a little more than friends, then i find out that's all we are then it kinda hurts...because i guess i'm looking at his actions and little things he do, but he's not feeling the same...maybe i'm silly for liking him too soon, and yes we have time to get to know one another, but when things are said and done, that confuses things and makes me think that things are more than they seem...i start reading too uch into it when i shouldnt...i have a big problem with doing that...over analyzing things and driving my self crazy...is that something that females just do or do males do the same things? do friends kiss? i know if i get all confused over kissing then it's a good thing that i dont have sex because if i did i would be all messed up!
thank GOD that i am still a virgin...so friends shouldnt kiss friends, though lawd i truly did enjoy it, it just shouldnt be done, i guess unless you dont get too attached...glad i dont have sex, i would be messed up, especially with casual sex...i dont know, maybe i'm reading too much into it...i'm tempted to go home for the whole summer just so i can get a chance to spend time with "James" since i dont need to take any summer classes...but i've probably already scared him away by talking to him yesterday...i was hurt and upset, and for what? cuz i'm sensitive, and i catch feelings, when i probably shouldnt, but i can't help it...now i'm scared i probably scared him away, and even with thinking that, i probably didnt, but will if i keep on asking him a million questions because i'm not sure of my self and i get him all irritated because i keep asking him the same thing over and over...i asked him if he'd get mad if i go out on dates with someone else...because this guy, "yellow man" said he was gonna make me his girlfriend...maybe i was dumb for asking James what he thought about that, but i dont know allt he rules of dating and males and females interacting with one another if they like each other...i feel that alot of times these are things i shouldve learned years ago like when i was 13, 14 or 15, like when i shouldve had my first boyfriend like 10 years ago....but he told me that i didnt have to ask for his permission...i mean i wasnt, but i just wanted to know what he felt about that because i really care about him, but he was getting upset with me cuz i've asked him similar questions before...i dont know, i just need to stop, chill out, and take a step back...then i guess he thought i got upset cuz he said that, i got upset because he was likeiw as taking the two of us too seriously and we're just friends....
i didnt want to ask him anything about that because i didnt want him to get irritate or be like "you know what this girl is just too much, and i dont think i can deal with her always asking this, this isnt gonna work out" and i'm scared of that...i mean last week we had fun we hung out, went out to eat, talked, kissed, whatever, i met his friends, i mean lil things like that, especially with kissing and me meeting his friends, and he ironed my clothes for me, who does that for people? Does actions speak louder than words? of course not all of the time, but it makes me think that it's more than just friends, but i guess not...i dont know...then i mean he say he doesnt want me to just focus on him and get so wrapped up in him when there could be something better for me out there, so he wants me to go and date, and he wouldnt even probably admit if he'd be upset if i did, but i do care because i like him and i'm not really interested in anyone else now, but for now, he is what i want to focus on, i dont want to pay attention to any other guys...i mean of course i see guys on campus that i think are fine, but they dont be all on my mind like "James" does...i hope he isnt upset with me or when and if he reads this cuz he reads my blog sometimes, and i'm scared of even losing him as a friend because he's probably fed up with me, but even with that, i'm probably putting way more into it than i should, and if i keep this up then maybe i would...so no more asking him anything of this nature, nothing like this...i just need to chill out and not take things too serious...i dont need to be re-assured of things everytime i start to feel like something is wrong i guess...i just need to suck it up and stop being so sensitive...i dont understand why for the last few years i've been so sensitive...before i would never cry in front of anyone, i would always put up this wall and try to act like nothing bothered me, but things do...and the low self esteem doesnt help either......but i just needed to get this out because i needed to vent...woosaa! i'm cool now! i was actually cool last night after i talked to him, but i just wanted to write this out...this probably didnt make a lick of sense, and maybe too personal, but that's what i originally used this blog for...for me to vent...
my friend said, i was talking to her, she tried to warn me, but i take advice from people just ot hear what they have to say because i dont want them to be the ones to make the decisions, but i do hate making decisions....see thats another reason why i dont really want to be dating 3208409328 guys at the same time, because what if i like him, him and him, and then have to make a decision...lawd i hate making decisions....she told me that "maybe 'James' isnt taking this as serious as you and that he's not ready yet, even if he does like you. Give this "yellow man" (who i think is my text message stalker though he denies it) guy a chance...just dont put your attention on one guy, have your options"...which is something she's told me plenty of times before...but i didnt want to listen to her...so after i called "James' then that happened, i was like oh ok dang she was right, and i was upset....and then i talekd to her and told her she was, and she was like "See i just told you that because i do the same thing and dont want your feeligns to get hurt. I end up liking a guy and he likes me but he's not liking me the same way that i like him"...so pretty much the same thing...which is why i asked is that something that females just do, or maybe it's both males and females and just depends on the type of person you are......who knows....this post is so jumbled and boring, and makes no sense, but i just needed to type this up...dont be made "James" if you see this, i just needed to vent! now i'm cool, and i understand, i think, well heck i'll figure it out...dang i need to be more sure of my self than i am....
anyways, on a lighter note....it's time to go to bible study and we have a quick choir rehearsal afterwards...i hope it is really quick, and not 1 hour long because we got choir rehearsal tomorrow too instead of friday....next Tuesday my bestfriend is coming down to school to visit me, after about 5 years of me being here.......and then on friday april 1st, i'm going to a wedding in STL....i get to see my family and all, so that's cool,,,,i'm getting high speed internet this weekend...yea! i got a good promotional deal witht he cable company here...channels 2-78, all of the Starz channels and high speed internet for $59 a month, which is good for 12 months...so for 12 months i will be paying that amount...for an additional $6 i get all of the HBO channels. for 6 months....after the 12 months, each pack is $39 a month for another 2 years i believe, which isnt bad, because regular price is $45 for each the cable and net......and this deal is only for new customers or people who havent had their cable service for 6 months or more......i'm finally able to get cable because i got into this apartment i've been talking about and i'm living rent free...also i finally paid my cable bill off in Jan. from whem me and my cousin was living together....i still gotta put this futon up that i bought...i need to get a couple of lamps too...i'm not staying on campus all day like i use to because i guess i'm not depressed about being in such a small room like i was, which was smaller than a studio...but now i'm actually in a one bedroom...which is alot mroe space...i just need to put some pictures up, and decorate, and i'll be happy, get some furniture and make it feel like home....so i'm pretty happy with that, and glad that God blessed me with that apartment.........anyways, this girl from class just reminded me of the 2 pages of dialogue we gotta type for our playwriting class, so i need to hop on that and make it to Bible Study by 7pm...it's 5:28pm now, and prayer starts at 6...i guess i'll miss prayer...i invited 2 guys i got class with to church...which they already joined the church, but they havent been in a while,,,one of the guy's promised me he'd be there...i told him if he's not i'ma knock him upside the head with my umbrella...lol, i know that's not a way to win souls...i hope he know's i was joking...i'll post later...
1 Comments:
Oh sweetie, I totally can relate to you. In the sense of you not knowing what having a bf or dating is all about, I am on the same boat girlie. It's hard when you have no experience and then some dude comes along, then you got all thrown off cause your not used to it. Well, for me anyway. I can't give you much advice on this, other than to pray hard about it all and be sensitive to the spirit so that you can hear when He is revealing things to you. God will not let you down nor let you be hurt for NO reason. Everything will work out hun, you wait and see! *big huge hugs*
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