Ending another chapter
So my relationship is over. Me and my guy have been having problem, and even when i typed up the post yesterday, we didn't talk all day. i decided to be nosy and check the one email i knew he didn't change his password to. i seen in it that he was meeting women from craigslist, made a profile there, and was calling women, maybe even have met some, but he was actively looking for someone. i know he said he didn't meet anyone and was just talking on the phone, but he was looking to meet them. to me that's cheating. and i don't want to wait around to see if he'll even try to meet them. whether he did or not, i don't have time for that, him or his lying ways. i loved him so much and he hurt me. of course we had our problems, and i had bagged, i'd be the first to admit that, but he had alot of bagged to and he never owned up or admitted that he had baggage. he put it all on me and made it seem like i was always the problem. it wasn't until we talked tonight that he said he was dealing with stuff, but as much as i asked him to open up, he never did. and he still tried to make it like i never listened to him. i wanted him to open up and comfort him and make his hurt go away, and i hope he'd do the same for me, but he didn't. he never opened up to me so that i could let him lay on my lap and maybe cry if he need to, and let him know it'll be ok, even if he didn't believe it. i wanted to do that for him, but he never allowed me to. he was just stubborn and had his way of dealing with things. i'm so glad that i seen his email because i would have stayed in this relationship longer and he would have found someone and dumped me. i'm glad i called him and told him that i think we should break up. that's the hardest thing i've had to do, and i've never broke up with no one. granted he wanted to break up several times weeks ago, but i practically begged him not to. after that i felt ashamed, embarrassed, and seemed that i made myself look desperate. and he told me then he didn't love me anymore. so even though i was trying to hold on, after that day of begging him, i started to not like him anymore and fall out of love. so many times int he last week ro 2 i wanted to break up with him, but i kept talking my self out of it. so i'm glad i seen his email because i didn't want to get hurt or played. he was taking my love for granted. he knew i had issues and i was trying to work on, and i wanted to believe he loved me, but the way he been acting over the last few months, it felt like he didn't. and he's been so mean to me. so i'm glad it's over so that i can move on with life. i need to stop worrying about having a man....and i should not have fallen for him or let him talk me into being in a relationship when i told him i wasn't ready and knew i wasn't ready. that's my fault for allowing that. but oh well we live and learn, and i hope and pray that i NEVER make this mistake ever again!i sent him a long email, which i kinda wish i didn't send, but oh well, i needed to get everything off my chest and let him know how i felt since we'd never probably talk ever again. he probably won't read it and probably will delete it, oh well, at least i got it all off my chest.
now it's time for sleep, time to cry and pray, pray to God to help me get over this hurt, and pray to God to help me to forgive him because i most definitely don't want to bring the baggage from this relationship over into my next one, and i want to be able to learn to love and trust again. i want to be free of all past issues and problems and be a new creature in Christ.
Goodnight all.
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