THINGS I'M GETTING OFF MY CHEST & OTHER THINGS...

*sighs*

wassup people, nothing much going on.....well there is alot going on.....

i dont know whats wrong with me, but today and for the last couple of days i been feeling a lil down and depressed, and i hate it when i get like that, im never depressed to the point to kill my self, cuz im scared of death and would never take my life or want to die, but i hate just feeling down and out. this semester is always thru, and i still havent really made any friends, well i havent made none at all. i know people always be like "well you need to go out and stop acting shy and make some friends", they say it as if its just so easy, but its not, well for me its not.....

.....i've always had a hard time making friends, i been to like 6 different grade schools when i was younger, and i finally stayed at the same school from 5-8th grade....then high school started, so alot of people from our grade school went to the high school since it is across the street, but i didnt have classes with many of them, and alot of them changed when we got to high school.....but it was hard for me to adjust to high school, i pretty much kept to my self all four years....some people did try to get me to talk, but i dont talk to people that im not comfortable around, i have to get to know them first, but then alot of people didnt bother to try and be friendly with me because they either didnt want to be bothered, or they thought i was mean, but im not a mean person, im really nice, well i think i am, and alot of people say i am.....but then again i didnt even wanna be bothered with people in high school because i saw how they was, they was wild, and im not a wild person, some people acted funny, they didnt act the same when they got around certain people, or they would talk about people behind their back, and thats something i hate, or they would talk about what someone had and didnt have, and i didnt like that, i never had much, and i really dont care too much about material things, i never had alot of clothes, i only have about 2 pairs of gym shoes in a year, so i dont know and i go to church, so it just seemed that something wasnt right about some of them, and when i dont get a good feeling from someone or a a good vibe, i dont come around them, but like they say you only have like a few good friends thru life and you only have like 1 or 2 really good, best friends, in your life time, so maybe thats why i didnt really talk to those people my first year.....

.....i didnt know any upperclass people and i was always shy, i still am.....as high school went on the people in my class i would talk to them more, but still sometimes they wasnt all that friendly or they would act funny to me.....but i must admit freshmen year was pretty fun with the people that was in my class, some of the people i was cool with, but i never talked to them outside of school, only to a few of them, maybe only like 2 or 3.......but in 10th grade it was different, and i guess going thru puberty didnt really help it, though i was already going thru it since i was like 11 years old becuase thats when i started to develope, its like i was stuck in this ackward stage, well i fell that i've been stuck in that stage since i was in 5th grade, and i still feel like i am.....

.....im 20 yrs old, soon to be 21, i never really dated, i be too shy to go up to a boy and tell him that i like him, the boys that i did like one i didnt get the chance to like him the other one i liked him from like 6th grade up to 12th grade and i didnt tell him until my 1st semester of college....i dont know why i be like that, maybe im scared of rejection, i dont know, i have a low self esteem, well sometimes i have my highs and i do lfeel good about my self, i'll think "i look nice today", but other times i feel low and i dont feel that good about my self, and i think thats why i dont have a boyfriend right now, or thats why boys dont try to talk to me....but i remember senior year in my year book, this one boy wrote "toya, you are a very attractive young lady when you add confidence to your self".....now i know i have a lack of confidence, but i dont know why, my mama has always told me that i was beautiful, but for some reason i dont feel that i am.....

.....i've had people when im walking down the street, boys making noises and stuff and one time i walked past some dudes they was like "she ugly" loud, and that hurt my feelings, but i kept my head up and just kept on walking past them, but it was dark outside so im like how they know if im ugly....i know im not ugly, but why do i feel like i am sometimes? or then theres other times when dudes do try and holla at me, but they be yelling "hey girl" or whistling from across the street, and i dont respond to that, cuz my mama always be like 'dont turn around when some man it blowing his car horn at you, or is doing cat-calls, cuz your not a call girl (call girl being as in a hooker, etc.), so sometimes them boys might think im stuck up, which im not im far from that, just because i wont stop to talk to them, but i dont like for guys to aproach me that way, i want them to come up to me ask me my name ask how im doing, no "hey girl can i get your number", so no im not gonna talk to them if they like that, or either i always see them hanging outside, and i hate to see a black man hanging on the corner, cuz he can be doing something, going to school, working, or doing his homework if he is in school, and i wont talk to them either, and i wont cuz my cousin told me not too, and he know cuz he was one of them dudes that be hanging out on the corner, cuz he said they nothing but trouble so ima take his advice, that doesnt make me stuck up though, and if someone thinks so then screw them but anyways.....

.....i feel better writing this out now because i tend to write when i need to get something off my chest, but i just hope that i can just gain some confidence, but i know i dont need a man, but hey im 20 and im lonely, and i want a man, im tired of being by my self, no one to hang out with, and i be seeing couple walking around and stuff and i want that, holidays be coming up, sweetest day, valentines day, i really hate them days, lol, but its gonna be hard to find a man thats willing to wait and im a virgin, i just hope that i dont end up being a old miserable bitter cat lady with 20 cats eating cat food and lonely in a house all by my self, but i'll be aight, ima have patience and just wait for someone to find me, hopefully they will, but anyways, enough of this.....i got other things stressing me.....

.....ok my mama moved this weekend to the Burbs of Chicago....why at the last minute, when my brother knew this for a week, tell my mama on the day she was packing her stuff up and putting it in the truck "i have no place to live", SMH, he tells here when they're loading stuff into the truck, thats a damn shame, i wouldve kicked his ass, and my mama asked him she said "do you have a place to go, cuz at first she did tell him he had to get his own place, but if he didnt have one she wouldve got a 2 bedroom, but he was saying "i gotta place to go, ima live with my friend", ok, but his friend got in trouble like a week ago and he is getting sent away, and since that was my brothers friend apartment, my brother is shit outta luck.....so he has to stay with my aunt for the next month until he find a place, him and his other friend, because his job is still on that side of town and if he stayed with my mama it would take him like 2 hours coming from that far out in the suburbs just to get to the burb by our house where he worked at, but anyways.....well him having no place to go made our cat, that we had since dec 4th 1993, have no place to go....

.....now i wouldve took the cat, but my cousin said that theires no pets allow, but he's a cat, its not like he barks, and he's clean, butr then she said the other day "i dont want no damn cat", and she bogus for that, telling me to get over it, yea im 20, but so whats we had that cat since my 12th birthday, i dont wanna get over it, im attacxhed to him, he doesnt act like no other cat i know, he thinks he human and he such a pretty cat, he's a orangish (if thats a word) tan and brown and beige, and my mama since her apartment doesnt allows pets, she cant keep him and she doesnt wanna get kicked out, my aunt has a cat thats not declawed, so they dont want him to fight my cat, cuz our cat is 9 years old, so they tried to give him away to strangers, but no one wants him, so my brother was gonna ask his friend if they could keep him for a month until he gets his place i tried to call today to see if thay did that, but my aunt didnt answer her phone, but they was gonna keep the cat in their basement for a day, but i hope my brothers friend keep him, cuz i know if they send him to the humane society, they might put him to sleep, and if not i still dont want him with a stranger for the rest of his life.....

....other things, my mama found out that my brother is getting high, i was hoping that he never would seeing how our father was on drugs when we was little and all the people in our family that was on drugs....see im scared of things that would hurt me, so i see how they effected my family, i wont do it, i dont smoke or drink, cuz we got alcoholics on my mama's side of the family, but my brother he doesnt wanna learn from their mistakes, so i guess he's gonna have to make his own, and its not just him smoking weed, its that my mama said she found a pipe or bomb, or whatever they smoke that shyt with, im not sure cuz i dont smoke, she didnt go thru his stuff, it was in her front room, cuz he decided to disrespect her house and do that right there and when she came from work it was there, thats another reason why he cant live with her, but i pray that weed is the only thing he's doing, because if its cocaine or any other stuff i will have a nervous break down and cry, i know that me and my brother argue alot and we use to fight all the time, and we still do, but thats my lil brother though he only 2 years younger, i dont want him to do nothing that would put him in danger and if i was to lose him or my mama i would just be lost, cuz i been with them my whole life and i love them so much, even though we have our difference and we may have arguements, i love them so, their my blood, but i'll just keep praying that thats all he is doing and he'll just have to bump his head like my mama said, cuz he wont listen he hasnt listened to us in a long time for some years, so he's just gonna have to be grown and be a man, and bump his head, and God will show him and hopefully bring him through, im looking at all this and i know i wrote a helluva lot of stuff, so im thru for tonight so peace.....

posted by Toya @ 12:26 AM