THINGS I'M GETTING OFF MY CHEST & OTHER THINGS...

More drama...

...maybe i'm creating it my self...i dont know...maybe i'm over reacting, or being too needy for friendship....heck who knows....the final is over...it went well...hopefull i'll pull a B if not an S off in that class...i'm sitting here now trying to pull together 40-50 more pages of my final play thats due at 4pm today...it's 10:50am now...i have 22 pages already...which i've had for 2 weeks...why am i such a procrastinator??? but it seems i write better and the ideas flow better under pressure...i have a 6-8 page paper to type tonight and my make-up final for Stage make up class and i'm done...also...did you know that you swallow up to and have 2 litters of mucous in your stomach every day? that amount doubles when you have a cold!!! ewwww, gross! thats what the doctor told me when i went to health services the other day....yesterday i babysit this girl's child so she could take her final, it wasnt that bad....

now back to this....this IM...i talked to my friend earlier this morning...just to tell her about this dream i had, which was weird...about this guy from high school that i havent talked to in like 4 years...he got arrested with a few other people we went to school with...maybe i'm being super sensitive...and needy...and maybe i'm looking into things too much and over analyzing...maybe i'm just not listening to my self and sounding like an idiot...maybe i do have a problem with my friend because i feel like she isnt there sometimes...maybe i'm too needy for a friendship...maybe i have a problem with her and when i talk to her, instead of telling her that, i get attitudes...maybe just because you've known someone since 5th grade doesnt mean you'll be friends forever...maybe people grow apart.....thats scary to me because i dont have many friends to begin with....maybe you dont know people as well as you think you do.....hey, who knows...but heres the IM...what do ya'll think? maybe i'm being selfish, maybe i'm being a bad friend and not understanding....just want everything on my time and not worried about other people time...but what is taking 5 minutes out your day to call and say "hello i'm just checking up on you"....maybe i do just need to shut up and listen...because i wont stop talking until i say what i got to say...not that i have to have the last word....but i got to finish off all my thoughts before i shut up, and the other person can have the last word...maybe i was being a jack ass, i probably was...i need to learn to just shut up sometimes.....

LANESE1281 (1:07:47 AM): why did i have a dream about Jihad?
LANESE1281 (1:07:51 AM): not a sex dream
LANESE1281 (1:07:54 AM): just a dream
lovehater**** (1:07:57 AM): lol
LANESE1281 (1:08:04 AM): but i was wondering why the hell i had a dream about him?
LANESE1281 (1:08:42 AM): like it was like we was still in h.s but we was grown well at least i was grown, but he looked real young like he was still in h.s
LANESE1281 (1:08:59 AM): and he it was like ghe was saying he's doing ok and Got his life back together
lovehater**** (1:09:00 AM): he still looks like that
LANESE1281 (1:09:02 AM): but that's weird
LANESE1281 (1:09:06 AM): LOL well yea
LANESE1281 (1:10:14 AM): but that type of dream is usually the type you have about loved ones or people you really care about you know?
LANESE1281 (1:10:30 AM): likr them telling you that they're ok int he dream, or you seeing that things will be ok
LANESE1281 (1:10:47 AM): i wasnt all that cool with Jihad, but i was disappointed when he went to jail
LANESE1281 (1:10:53 AM): maybe he got his life together
lovehater**** (1:11:01 AM): i doubt it
LANESE1281 (1:11:04 AM): lol why did i dream about him? weird
LANESE1281 (1:11:09 AM): hey dreams telly ou things
LANESE1281 (1:11:13 AM): i hate to dream tho
LANESE1281 (1:11:19 AM): you sure do doubt alot of stuff
lovehater**** (1:11:23 AM): u do it everyday
LANESE1281 (1:11:24 AM): you need to stop doubting
lovehater**** (1:11:29 AM): u may not remember them
LANESE1281 (1:11:33 AM): i dont dream
lovehater**** (1:11:35 AM): im a realist
lovehater**** (1:11:39 AM): im not doubting
lovehater**** (1:11:44 AM): i seen and spoke with him
lovehater**** (1:11:57 AM): and a change like that wont happen in a few months
LANESE1281 (1:12:04 AM): i ask and pray to God to not have any more dreams, especially since i had that awful dream back in 7th gr, and i havent, well i havent remembered them
LANESE1281 (1:12:07 AM): you dont know that
lovehater**** (1:12:10 AM): i knew jihad when we were lil
LANESE1281 (1:12:12 AM): God can change anybody
LANESE1281 (1:12:22 AM): just cuz you knew him when you were lil means nothing
lovehater**** (1:12:23 AM): only if the want to be at that time
LANESE1281 (1:12:44 AM): you said the same thing about Charllotte like you was so surprised she was in school as if she wasnt supposed to be
lovehater**** (1:12:45 AM): i have seen him recently trust me i know more to it than u
LANESE1281 (1:13:03 AM): like she wasnt good enough to and that she wouldnt make it...why was you so shocked by that?
lovehater**** (1:13:16 AM): wha
lovehater**** (1:13:31 AM): ive seen charlotte i wasnt schoked we
lovehater**** (1:13:38 AM): spoke and my opinion hast changed
LANESE1281 (1:14:01 AM): you said the same thing about Victoria sails, whatever her name was...when i said soemthing about i wonder what she was doing but you made it sound like she probably pregnant with kids...i known her since 3rd gr tho
LANESE1281 (1:14:07 AM): hasnt or has changed?
lovehater**** (1:14:15 AM): has not
lovehater**** (1:14:20 AM): sorry if i dont think that way
lovehater**** (1:14:25 AM): u should know that by now
LANESE1281 (1:14:35 AM): just saying sometimes you sound bougie (sp)
LANESE1281 (1:14:45 AM): like you have your nose in the air
lovehater**** (1:14:52 AM): sometimes i can admit i am
lovehater**** (1:14:55 AM): no its not
LANESE1281 (1:14:57 AM): as if people can't change
lovehater**** (1:15:08 AM): once again u said those words i didnt
LANESE1281 (1:15:12 AM): or like they'd never amount to nothing
lovehater**** (1:15:24 AM): i believe everyone is capable but only if they want it
lovehater**** (1:15:34 AM): those are ur words not mine
lovehater**** (1:15:40 AM): and never have been mine
LANESE1281 (1:15:43 AM): how are you to know that Jihad doesnt want a change?
LANESE1281 (1:15:50 AM): i swear that dream kinda tripped me out
lovehater**** (1:15:59 AM): not if he still on the streets sellin drugs
lovehater****(1:16:08 AM): but like i said i know more to that than u
lovehater**** (1:16:13 AM): so i will leave it at that
LANESE1281 (1:16:30 AM): who's to say he hasnt had a change inh is life starting today and today is the new day of the rest of his life?
LANESE1281 (1:16:43 AM): you know more about life? or just Jihad
lovehater**** (1:16:52 AM): honestly let me pose a real question to u
LANESE1281 (1:16:59 AM): i mean it's not just about Jihad i'm jsut saying people can Change
lovehater**** (1:17:03 AM): u wanted to change being so shy did u not
LANESE1281 (1:17:13 AM): yes and?
lovehater**** (1:17:19 AM): did it happen in one day
LANESE1281 (1:17:30 AM): did i say that it would happen to Jihad in one day?
lovehater**** (1:17:40 AM): thats not what i asked u
LANESE1281 (1:17:47 AM): i said i had a dream that he said he's ok, that he's getting his life together
lovehater**** (1:17:59 AM): ok
LANESE1281 (1:18:13 AM): not saying he's changed this minute, but he could be ont he verge of doing that and you havent seen him in a couple months, it's possible that he isnt ont he streets
lovehater**** (1:18:30 AM): i have seen him
LANESE1281 (1:18:33 AM): but no, some people it's a shorter process to get out f their shyness or anything
lovehater**** (1:18:36 AM): thats what i have been sayon
LANESE1281 (1:18:37 AM): for me it took a while
LANESE1281 (1:18:41 AM): for depression it took a while
LANESE1281 (1:18:45 AM): for my cousin it took months
lovehater**** (1:18:51 AM): but ur so quick to say im bougeouis
LANESE1281 (1:18:55 AM): for my mama to stop smoking cigarrets it took weeks
LANESE1281 (1:19:01 AM): for my grandma, it took a day
lovehater**** (1:19:03 AM): u didnt bother to read what i typed
LANESE1281 (1:19:09 AM): and that was it to stop 30 years of smoking
lovehater**** (1:19:35 AM): like i said im a realist i dont believe anything till i c it and that applies to myself as well
LANESE1281 (1:19:45 AM): you do act bougeouis, as soon as i say something about change, i mean i was trying to be positive, you say you're a realist and put a damper on it
LANESE1281 (1:19:57 AM): and pretty much saying that they'll never amount to nothing
lovehater**** (1:20:05 AM): i just stated my opinion keyword my opinion
LANESE1281 (1:20:14 AM): i mean if they dont that's them i gotta live my life buti like to have hope for other people that they're doing well that's all
lovehater****(1:20:16 AM): dont [put wrds in my mouth
lovehater**** (1:20:22 AM): if i didnt say it dont assume
LANESE1281 (1:20:27 AM): even if it has nothing to do with me, ilike to know that people are doing fine
lovehater**** (1:20:48 AM): ok u stated something and i said my personal opinion
LANESE1281 (1:20:54 AM): ok
LANESE1281 (1:20:58 AM): but why make it negative?
lovehater**** (1:21:01 AM): so why are u my friend if u feel im so negative?
LANESE1281 (1:21:39 AM): i'm around negative people all the time, and i my self am negative at times, but those people aren't negative all the time, and i'm not my self, i try not to be
LANESE1281 (1:21:55 AM): lol@that question, is that a way for you to break our friendship or something?
lovehater**** (1:21:59 AM): so u feel im a negative person?
lovehater**** (1:22:04 AM): no
LANESE1281 (1:22:05 AM): why would you even ask a silly question like that?
lovehater****(1:22:14 AM): but u sit and say im negative and stuck up
LANESE1281 (1:22:27 AM): people usually ask questions like that when they want to end something that's why i ask
LANESE1281 (1:22:37 AM): you said you was stuck up ya self
LANESE1281 (1:22:51 AM): i said you made that negative i didnt say you was negative all the time
lovehater**** (1:23:02 AM): ok drop it
LANESE1281 (1:23:12 AM): :-LANESE1281 (1:23:19 AM): you getting ya self upset
LANESE1281 (1:23:32 AM): all i said was that i had a dream about Jihad and that it was weird
LANESE1281 (1:24:27 AM): go to www.barnesandnoble.com and look up "heaven sent" by MonTre` Bible
LANESE1281 (1:26:35 AM): guess you not talking anymore
LANESE1281 (1:26:37 AM): *sighs*
LANESE1281 (1:26:38 AM): ok
lovehater**** (1:28:10 AM): im on the phone
LANESE1281 (1:30:03 AM): with who?
lovehater**** (1:30:22 AM): felicia
LANESE1281 (1:30:41 AM): let me ask you a question then, if you're my friend, why dont you call?
LANESE1281 (1:30:56 AM): especially when i need someone to talk to when i am down?
lovehater**** (1:31:21 AM): phone works both ways
LANESE1281 (1:31:33 AM): i do call you
LANESE1281 (1:31:39 AM): i feel that i cally ou the most
LANESE1281 (1:31:50 AM): during that whoe ordeal with your father i called
LANESE1281 (1:31:58 AM): you didnt callt o tell me you was back or ok
LANESE1281 (1:32:05 AM): after that you jsut seemed to stop
lovehater**** (1:32:28 AM): i call u later tonite to explain my case cause im not typing it
LANESE1281 (1:32:30 AM): i hate to feel like i call someone all the time, because i start to think that i'm getting on their nerves and thats why they dont call back
lovehater**** (1:32:56 AM): its been times i call u and u dont call me back for days
lovehater**** (1:33:00 AM): as well
LANESE1281 (1:33:07 AM): and if they leave messages that seem like they just leaving it to leave it and that they really not interested in how i'm doing i be like "Well should i call bacl" cuz they dont sound like they want to be bothered by their otne
LANESE1281 (1:33:09 AM): tone*
lovehater**** (1:33:29 AM): once again u made that assumption
LANESE1281 (1:33:32 AM): i dont call back for days because i've always beent he one calling
LANESE1281 (1:33:38 AM): it seems since high school
LANESE1281 (1:33:56 AM): now i know you probably couldnt call cuz of your step father but i figure even now that he's gone you would
LANESE1281 (1:34:13 AM): i return calls, i call everyone, my family, people at church, you
LANESE1281 (1:34:33 AM): but i always feel like i'm always calling people when dont really give a fuck about me or how i'm doing
LANESE1281 (1:34:41 AM): and if i do call they're quick to get off
LANESE1281 (1:34:47 AM): make you feel kind of un wanted
lovehater**** (1:34:50 AM): but thtas honestly an internal issue
LANESE1281 (1:35:08 AM): no thats a issue of no one calling to check on me
lovehater**** (1:35:19 AM): i wouldnt bother callin when i do if i didnt want to talk to people
LANESE1281 (1:35:38 AM): uh?
lovehater**** (1:35:47 AM): well its open forum tell me what other issues u have with me
LANESE1281 (1:36:06 AM): i've told you other before when you was down here, so that's done
lovehater**** (1:36:12 AM): honestly
lovehater**** (1:36:19 AM): no cause this is new to me
LANESE1281 (1:36:32 AM): about not feeling like i had you who's supposed to be my best friend to have a shoulder to cry on when i had my depression
LANESE1281 (1:36:36 AM): i told you that then
LANESE1281 (1:37:21 AM): i felt like i had no body, not even you, cuz you wasnt really compassionate or like "it's going to be ok" i know i have to suck it up...but thats not what someone wants to hear when they are depressed
LANESE1281 (1:37:44 AM): you want someone to comfort you and say it's ok,a nd that helps the best, but i got that from people i barely knew
lovehater**** (1:38:02 AM): because especially u knwing what i went thru at hme with him on a personal level
LANESE1281 (1:38:38 AM): uh?
lovehater**** (1:38:50 AM): i feel and still feel like depression is just a way to feel sorry for urself, and i never wanted that for myself
lovehater**** (1:39:11 AM): ill call u tommrow
lovehater**** (1:39:16 AM): and we can talk
LANESE1281 (1:39:19 AM): i knew nothing about what you went through at home...all i knew is that your parents were strict...you never even told me all that other stuff, and after you finally told me i wondered why you kept that in so long, because i wouldve never wanted you to handel that by your self
LANESE1281 (1:39:33 AM): and i felt so bad and hurt for you after you told me that
lovehater**** (1:39:45 AM): but thats what i didnt want
lovehater**** (1:40:06 AM): i didnt feel that way for myself so why would i burden someone else
LANESE1281 (1:40:39 AM): it's a way of feeling sorry, but you think you aren't depressed or never been? please, there's people that go thru walking depression, they dont have to be all down and out and stuck in a room like me....they can be like my mama...smiling in folks faces like nothing is wrong, but hurting inside
lovehater**** (1:39:45 AM): but thats what i didnt want
lovehater****(1:40:06 AM): i didnt feel that way for myself so why would i burden someone else
LANESE1281 (1:40:39 AM): it's a way of feeling sorry, but you think you aren't depressed or never been? please, there's people that go thru walking depression, they dont have to be all down and out and stuck in a room like me....they can be like my mama...smiling in folks faces like nothing is wrong, but hurting inside
LANESE1281 (1:41:09 AM): but to let that go and to make your burdern lighter wouldnt helped
LANESE1281 (1:41:48 AM): goodnight


maybe i do have internal issues...um, i already know i'm messed up...LOL, not like i need someone to tell me that...that's why i have been to counseling...thats another thing, i hate it when people tell me stuff that i already know....

posted by Toya @ 10:42 AM