My insecurities
i wrote a long as blog and i'm just pissed right now since it just deleted. i guess there's where recover post comes in, but i didn't know at what point to press it. i just through a little tantrum. i guess it's best that the post deleted because it was starting to get too long. i guess i'm very detail oriented.well i was talking about my boyfriend and how this blog could pretty much be part 2 to the "My Confidence" post. we had a rough weekend. we argued, then made up. he opened up to me about things that was going on with work and school and in his mind. he told me how he was uncertain about our relationship, and i told him that i was too. i guess we were worried about what will happen after he graduates. he's not from here, so there's a possibility that he will be going back home. there's also the possibility that he might move to anywhere a job is at.
i don't want him to move. i don't want him to leave me. i don't want to leave him. i don't know if we should talk to each other first before we make these decisions. getting a job these days is important. i want to be with him though. what if a job comes my way, should i take it? i should probably do whats best for me, just like he should do what's best for him. this is my first relationship, and he's had a few relationships before. this would be hard for me if he leaves. he said that we could do the long distance thing, but more than likely it probably wouldn't work out. i'm willing to work at it, but i'm not sure if he is. we decided to just stay together to see what will happen. he doesn't graduate until June, so we will see.
we cuddled the rest of the night, i was so happy with him being open and sharing himself with me. we went bowling with his friends later that night. the next morning i woke up and ask him to use his phone. i wanted to check my myspace and facebook and probably play spades because my phone doesn't have the Internet. i go to myspace to log in and i see that he wasn't logged out of myspace. so i go to his inbox. big mistake. i go through about 4 pages of his inbox. i didn't check all of the messages, but i was just looking at who they were from. i've looked in his phone before and see the number and picture for a girl that's on his myspace list. he told me that he met this girl before and that they kissed and that he use to like her. i see a message from her in his myspace inbox. i looked at it. it pretty much consisted of her sending him a message about some musician. he replied back asking if she'd want to meet for dinner to have pizza. she said yes and he said that he's take care of everything. i was crushed.
i guess that's my own fault for looking through his stuff without his permission. i will admit that that is wrong of me. insecurity sunk in. i was thinking is he seeing this girl? i know he use to like her. they're both into hip hop and her page said Chicago and Wisconsin before. i don't know. i started to cry. he was still sleep while i read all of this. i hope hoping that he would wake up, but he didn't. i wasn't trying to cry too hard. i was debating whether to tell him i seen it, or try to see if i could catch him at the pizza place. what if he didn't tell me he was going to meet her. i took a shower and cried in the shower. we had to get ready for the Bears game to watch at his friends house, and i wanted to get a head start on getting ready. i cried int he shower. i couldn't believe that he'd meet another woman for dinner. i mean i know he said he's friends with her, but he doesn't talk to her much he said. why didn't he mention it to me?
i get out the shower and sit down on the bed. he wakes up. he says something then ask me what's wrong. i ask him about why his pictures in his phone was locked. he unlocked it for me, and it was just a pic from his cousin. i don't know what i was thinking. maybe thinking that there would be a pic from another girl. he ask what's the problem again. i ask him about the girl's number in his phone. he ask what's wrong again. i ask him that he's meeting girls for pizza. he looks, rolls his eyes and get mad. he ask if i read his myspace and i tell him yeah. he got mad, but i started crying. i guess he could see that i was hurt, so he stops being mad and consoles me. i ask him why he didn't tell me and he said that they didn't meet and wasn't going to meet because she couldn't come. he said he didn't think that there would be nothing wrong with it and that they're just friends and that nothing is happening. he ask me why did i look at his messages. i tell him because i'm a loser and i'm insecure.
i guess i expected to catch him in something. i don't know. i'm insecure when it comes to some things and i don't want to be. i want to be very confident and i want to be very confident in our relationship. i see that he has a lot of female friends. it's not so much that he might do something, but i don't trust a lot of people. males, females, whatever. some people can be trifling when they know someone is in a relationship, especially females. also that he use to like her and he's inviting her to dinner disturbed me. i don't want whatever feelings he might have for her still or she have for him to come up. whether it's a crush or what. we talk about it and i just continued to cry. he went into the bathroom and took his phone. he made a comment about if I'd have to look at his phone when he got out. he came out the bathroom and said asked me why i looked through 4 pages of his messages. i guess he checked to see where those messages was at. he said that i couldn't use his phone anymore and went into the shower. i felt bad. the way he said it made me feel he didn't trust me, and why should he? i went through his phone checking on him.
i started to cry again because i was worried about him not trusting me and putting a strain on the relationship. maybe he would want to break up, i don't know. why be with someone you don't trust or who doesn't trust you right? i became extremely sad. my friend called and asked me what was the matter. i told her and she said things would be ok. she did a similar thing to her boyfriend a few weeks before. a girl from his friends list showed up to one of his hip hop shows. i don't know if that's what i was starting to think of. she said that it'll be ok and her and her boyfriend talked about it and me and mine needed to talk about it too. after we hung up i was still sad. he was int he shower. he asked me what was the matter when he got out. i told him that i didn't think he'd trust me know. he asked me what did i expect to catch him in. he said that he's spending all of his time with me and that after what we discussed the day before, he has no time for no other girls or to even try to cheat. he said that he is just friends with the girl and that he would've mentioned if they went to go eat.
i was upset up until we left. he asked me if i was on to go to his friends house because he didn't want me looking sad over there. i told him that i would be cool. i put some cold water on my face and we left. i was still upset pretty much the whole trip over to there. i could tell he might've been a little worried. he didn't want me to be upset. he was trying to make me smile and wanted me to kiss him, but i didn't want to kiss him. i was still a little upset. we stayed at his friends house to watch the game. The Bears won, that was cool. we stayed after. i really wanted to go, but he asked me if i wanted to stay and i said it was up to him. i was mad at that later because i was ready to go and i guess he couldn't tell that i was. i should've just said yeah i wanted to go, but i don't want to seem like i'm occupying his time and keeping him from his friends. we finally leave, got back to his place. i was still kinda mad. after about an hour i decided that i didn't want to be mad anymore. i didn't want to sit in his house and not talk to him.
after that, i was worried when i went home Monday morning. i don't want there to be a strain on our relationship. i know that he's dealing with a lot with school and work. the stuff he told me i went through the same thing right before i graduated. i'm still going through it now. i told him that i'd be there for him. i don't think me going through his phone and me getting upset helped. it made me seem as though i didn't trust him. do i trust him? i guess i do. to say i guess is probably bad too. i do trust him, but i have trust issues. i don't trust people with too much stuff about me. i'm always worried about someone stabbing me in the back and hurting me. i always have my guard up. i need to have it down so that i can trust. i don't want to put it down too much though and get hurt.
i was still sort of upset and irritated about the incident. i talked to a friend of mine from the net. he said that a man need's trusty. he said that it makes them feel good to know that their girlfriend won't go through their messages. he also said that my guy should've told me about that. you don't want anything to look suspicious he said. he also said that since he let me used his phone, that seems that he's pretty open about things. he said that he's going through similar stuff with his girlfriend and he doesn't like ti when she compares him to men in her pass. he said that he's his own person. he said that he tells her about his friends, whether real life or online and if he talked to them. that's what i try to do with my boyfriend. i let him know that i talked to such and such and i mention their names. especially the guys. i feel like it's important for him to know. not that he wouldn't trust me, but out of respect. i don't want some guy popping up out the blue that i never mentioned before. i expect him to do the same. let me know about his friends, especially the female ones. especially the ones he talk to a lot and that men a lot to him. i feel like he should introduce me to them and let me know about them. there's been a couple of times where i went to his school or somewhere and he didn't introduce me to a friend he said hello to. it starts to make me feel that he doesn't want people to know that i'm his girl.
my friend told me that we should probably talk some more and know about each other's friends. so i called my guy up and i tell him that i want to know about all of his friends. i guess i really wanted to know about the girl he was supposed to meet for dinner. he tells me to start first. he ask what is this going to prove. i told him that i just want to know. i tell him about my friends. 2 of them know some personal stuff about me. i let him know that because i thought that was important. he said he trust me. he said that the different between me and him is that he trust me. that made me feel a little bad. i didn't know if i should go on with it, but i told him to tell me about his friends.
he told me about his friends that's in different states. he told me about friends from school, who he use to like. some of the girls he mentioned are on his myspace list, some are in his phone and he has picture of. one girl i didn't bother mentioning goes to his school and he said he use to like her. i figured he did. he got pictures of her in his phone. i didn't want to bring that up though. i guess they're just friends now. he finally talks about the girl. he said she use to go to school here but is in another state now. he told me that they were thinking about meeting, but didn't. he said they started talking again, then met. he said that they were thinking about going further into a relationship, but she wasn't over her ex boyfriend. he said they stopped talking and he met me. we met through myspace. he said he didn't want to tell me about this because he was worried that i'd be insecure about it. i guess you could say that might've made me a little bit insecure, but i like having the truth. i want to know what history he has with this girl. i don't want to be surprise if he leaves me for her or someone else. he said he's not leaving me for her, and that there's nothing. it seems she might like him still because of comments she leaves on his myspace. i know people might say you shouldn't take the net seriously, but i know how females are. they might say they don't like a guy, but they do. even if it's just a little crush. they might like them somewhat. if not, they wouldn't leave flirty messages.
i was just happy with us being open with each other again. i only want things to get better. things should only get better. i told him i want him to talk about his friends more. i mean if these are his friends and they're important people in his life, i should meet them. i should know about them. just like he should know my friends. i just hope that he's telling me the truth and is being truthful and honest with me. all i can do now is take his word and trust him completely.
i'm still worried though how this weekend and my insecurity may have put a strain on our relationship. he called me today and told me that his grandfather died. i didn't know what to say. earlier today he wasn't really answering my text messages, but i figured that he was busy in class and at work. i wrote a blog on my myspace indirectly talking about yesterday, but being very vague, so that he's the only one who would know what i was talking about. i was just saying that how i like for things to be open and don't like being lied to and how i love honesty. i don't know if he was mad at that or what. i know he hates for me to compare him to the last guy, the jerk, that i talked to. he's told me before that he isn't him. i don't want to compare him to that guy, because i know he isn't him. that guy was a HUGE liar and couldn't tell the truth to save his life. i guess i'm just scared about getting hurt again. i already got burned once, i don't want someone to lie to me again. if you don't want to be with me, i just want honesty and want to be known before the relationship goes any further. i like for things to be out int he open.
so now i know about the girl, the history. i'm ok with that. as long as she knows that he has a girl. as long as he let's me know if they meet up again. as long as eventually if he hangs with her, then i meet her. i don't know how i feel about someone hanging with someone they use to like. i just don't know, but we'll see.
so i don't know what to say when someone die. like i said he called and told me that his grandpa died. i know that his grandfather has been sick and i know he said he didn't have a good relationship with him and that he wish he could change things. he said he'd call me back. i text him to tell him that i could come over if he wants. he never text me back. i call him because i need to know before the last bus stops running. i ask him how he's doing again. he said he just needs to be alone. i told him that if he needs to talk he can. he said that he sure does have my number. that was a little snappy of him, and i was hurt by that, but i know his grandfather just died. it's not about me. he's hurting because of his grandfather. i was just worried that with this on top of what happened last night and this weekend that he might be mad and irritated with me. especially with what's going on with school and work.
i don't know, so this is just my vent blog on this topic. i just wanted to get this all out so that i don't have to discuss it again. writing for me helps me to vent. i hope and pray that things works out for us. i pray that i'm less insecure. i pray that i have more confidence in myself and relationships with others. i pray for him a safe trip home and to return back here. i pray for his grandmother and the rest of his family that God helps them through this time of hardship. i pray that he's ok and not beating his self up over the fact that him and his grandfather didn't have a good relationship when they were younger. i haven't checked my phone since i've been typing this and i don't think that he's called.
i just want things to be great. i want things to work out. sometimes i feel that i love him, but i'm not sure. i kinda hinted towards it when we were talking over the weekend, but i was like i wasn't sure and i wasn't sure of his feelings. i'm not sure if he even feels the same i do. i'm not even sure if it's love. i sure do care about him alot. i don't even know if you could love more than one person. i'm not saying that i love someone now like that because i don't, but could i say i love him, then we break up, then say i love someone else? love is a funny thing, and i'm so unsure about it. i guess you could say that i love him, agape (sp) style, but i'm not sure if i love him yet in a "i want to be with you for the rest of my life" way. it's only been 3 months, almost 4 months since we've been official, and it's been 9 months since we met. 10 months since we first talked on the phone, and over a year since we first messaged each other. i told myself that i wasn't going to meet anyone else from the Internet, not look what i got myself into. i care about him a whole lot. i'm not sure about my feelings, if it's love or if it's just lust, or if i just like him a whole lot. i just want things to work out and see what will happen in the future. he's a really good guy, a good catch. we both got things we could work on, but we have alot in common. i guess we'll see in the long run if my feelings are really love and if his are or will be love.
anyways, i'll end this here since my brother wants to use the computer. i'm still looking for a job so that i can move out. anyways, peace, and you all have a great rest of the week. this blog was long too, lol, hopefully it'll post, if not then you couldn't see it, lol :-)
