Friday, December 17, 2004

The dumbest decision I've ever made in life (maybe)

It may seem to alot of people the dumbest thing ever, but to me, i just dont know. You all probably wont believe this, but here it goes.

Ok, so about a hour ago i just got out of my Directing class final. Well we didnt have a final, but our teacher just talked about our scenes. This was the class that i was worrying about passing because it's a theater core course that i need to graduate with a C or better. "Directing isnt that hard" you say..."All you have to do is tell people how you want them to act". Well it ISN'T that easy. First off i am NOT a actor. I am a theater major, but not a actor. There are different parts to theater than acting. I'm trying to do playwriting. When i first came down here for school i was trying to do scene and lighting design. There's alot more to theater than acting. So i'm not a actor, but i'm a theater major. I took a acting class last year in the fall of 2003 and got a B in the class, but i'm not a actor. So how can i tell someone to act if i'm not an actor? I have no idea. Acting is not my passion unlike the other 10 people i had class with who either have acted and are not actors, or who are actors.

(ok i took like a really long pause inbetween typing this, because i emailed my teacher to ask him something about my grade again, but it's not liek you guys would know that if i didnt tell you, lol, but ok back to the story)

Also i have a hard time telling people what to do. I still get sort of nervous around people and having to give them instructions on how to do something, especially something that i am not comfortable with and dont know mucha bout.

So ok, i got a "D" in the class (took me long enough to get to the point, i forgot i didnt make it yet), and i was like "ok if i got a 'D' i will retake the class in the spring, still try to walk across stage in the spring, and just take the make-up class that'll be conflicting with it in the spring in the fall instead". So i go to his office after class, because he left early because we had to do those stupid evals. I asked him about plays i need to read so that i can be prepared to retake this class. He asked if i had to retake it, because this is his first semester here at this school, and the first black falculty in the theater department, he's from Nigeria, and has directed stage and television in London i believe, but anyways, he didnt know that i needed a C or higher int he cour to graduate. So he told me that he thought about giving me a "C" or "D" but gave me the "D". I know i deserve the D though, because i didnt do my first scene, and my Directors book i gave him was crap.

So he told me this "I can give you the "C" if you want it so you can graduate, or the "D" so you can retake it, because you should because you need to know the material". Now how many times in life would a teacher give you that option? I've been to teachers offices my first couple of years of college pretty much begging them to give me a C instead of a D or a B instead of a C. I know begging for a C seems silly, i mean i should apire for more than a C right? When you're trying to graduate however and just want to get through with school, getting a C is alright.

This is what i told him: "Yes i do want a C but i know that i need to retake this course because i didnt learn anything and i was behind everyone else" (because i'm not a actor and i dont like theater that much, i just switched back to it to graduate, and i rather take playwriting classes every semester than to take any other theater classes) "I'm still going to probably be down here int he fall anyway to take english classes and to work on my writing to submit a portfolio of my work to grad schools, so maybe i can take the make-up class in the fall instead, but still walk in May"

So yep, that's it, i decided to take the D (smh) and pass up the C that i needed thats required in the College of Liberal Arts to retake this dang on directing class! Can you believe that? who int he world would do that? Only me i guess. About a year or so ago i wouldve taken that C and not feel bad about it, but i wouldve felt bad if i took that C and didnt deserve it. What about when i'm applying for grad schools for their playwriting programs and i dont know some basis stuff about directing that can assist me in writing my plays. See it's not like this is a math class or science class that wont REALLY help me int he future or what i majored in. This is a theater class that will actually help me with my writing. I have to know how to analyze these plays. Thats another thing that makes a good director, and i didnt know how to do that. I JUST figured out how to analyze a play at the end of the semester, but it was too late and i got a D. I did take Play Analysis like 2 years ago, but i dont remember anything from it! I shouldve took this directing class 2 years ago right after play analysis, but i switched majors to radio/tv for a little bit.

So ok i was sort of happy that i made that decision because i felt that that had to be one of the most mature decisions i've made so far in my adult life. Like i hate making decisions, i'm bad at it. I like to hold things off until the last minute until i really have to make a decisiona nd i have no other choice. But once he told me that, my gut told me to retake the class because it would help me later on, but i was thinking in my head that i should take the C. I followed my gut.

So i left his office and went back to work because i left work to go to that final time. I told my boss that and she said to call him back, and i did, and then she said to pray about it. I told her supervisor about it (she's the director of undergraduate psych and has been teaching for many years) about it, and she told me, after i told her my conflicting class times, that i should call him back. After finding out that it wasnt conflicting with make up and that the directing class was conflicting with my long playwriting class, now i'm in a rut. So i wrote my teacher a long email explaining the situation and asking if i could work with him to see how he directs this play he's doing at the beginning of the semester and the play he's doing at the end (to get hands on experience), and still hand in analysis of plays to him without having to retake the class. I know he'll probably be like "forget it, you still get the D", but who knows. But i think he went to put grades in today, but they're not due until monday. So that means tuesday or wednesday i will be able to go online and check my grades. Hopefully everything elseis fine, i know i got at least a C or better in the rest of the classes, but hopefully i should have at least 3 B's, but since i'm always late, i might have a C in stage management. See i really have a problem with being late and procrastinating. i really need to work on that.

So what do you guys think about this situation? Was that a dumb decision i made? Do you think my teacher might let me just take the C? I don't know. Either way i still plan on walking in may. Well i'm stilla t work, and it's like 5:07pm right now, i got off at 4:30, but i was writing the emailt o my teacher and this post. Ok so i'm gone, time for choir rehearsal. You have a good weekend and hit me up and let me know what you think, aight? PEACE!

posted by Toya @ 4:00 PM 0 comments

here i am...

....it's 6:51am and i haven't been top sleep....been in the library since about 10:30pm.....i haven't been to sleep since before i woke up yesterday morning...i am such a procrastinator, it's ridiculous...luckily the library is open 24 hours this week...i couldve typed up my paper at home, but i was scared that i would go to sleep...but oh well...now i have to go home shower and leave back out for work because i gotta be there at 9am...it's cold as heck outside and i gotta go catch this cab, so i'll post later...

posted by Toya @ 6:51 AM 0 comments

A nice story...

....i just thought that this was a nice story about someone on my campus. This guy, a little old white man, and i've seen him my 5 years here riding on his bike every morning. He always says hi when he goes past on his bike and when i would see him after a year or two i decided to start to say goodmorning to him. He seems to be a nice old man. After reading this article in the school paper i felt bad for him, i dont know why, but i did. He seems to have had a sad life. Never married, and he was born with cerebral palsy. I think that this story can be a inspiration to people. Well here it is:

Campus Flag Master Bob Reid gets around

Geoffrey Ritter
Daily Egyptian

In the beginning, Bob Reid simply needed some wheels. Not too many. Two would be sufficient.
That was almost 40 years ago, and Bob had seen the inside of too many cabs and had done about all the walking he was interested in. Unfortunately, a driver's license was out of the question. The cerebral palsy he was born with 30 years earlier made steering a car an impossible task, and besides, he had given up on that when he was in high school. He knew it wasn't going to happen.

But Bob, working as a teacher for the mentally handicapped at the Dixon State School in Dixon, needed to do something.

Town was two miles away from the school, and with the holidays coming up, the air was getting icier each day.

Bob, determined to get himself around, rounded up some money, made his way to a local second-hand shop and bought himself a bicycle.

It was a blue Schwinn.

He doesn't remember what it cost.

He does remember learning to ride it, though.

When Bob was in grade school, his father had bought him a bike, and no matter how hard he tried, he could not stay balanced on it.

Again, the palsy was the culprit.

His hands shook, his mind trembled and his body simply refused to do it.

This time around, it began the same way, with Bob teetering to stay on the seat long enough to declare victory.

Needless to say, he didn't get it the first time around.

But he refused to give up.

Bob began taking to the school gymnasium during his lunch hours, riding slowly and methodically along the walls, trying over and over again to find his balance.

At first, it was trial and a whole lot of error. He couldn't do it. He rubbed his knuckles raw from scraping against the wall, and with each topple from the seat, his frustration grew.

One day, though, Bob finally got it. He got on the seat, put his feet to the pedals and took off. To his surprise, he kept going without falling, and ever since, Bob has been an enthusiastic bike rider.

"I got it through my head I could do it," Bob says of the experience now. "I'm proud of it when I look back at it.

"If you're persistent with anything you set your mind to, you'll accomplish it."

That was ages ago, and Bob is now a much older man.

Still, he gets around on a bike.

Although his back and hips pain him, making each step on foot a slow, crooked crawl, he is a force to be reckoned with when sitting behind the handlebars. It is more comfortable. His speed makes him seem decades younger than his 68 years.

You've probably seen Bob and his bike on campus. Pretty much everybody has. For almost a dozen years, he has been SIUC's voluntary flag master, waking in the early morning hours to raise the flags on campus and leaving his house again at dinnertime to take them all down. It's become a tradition for him, and if nothing else, it's a reason to get up early each morning.
Plus, everyone needs a little sport from time to time.

"I like to run people over," Bob says with a wicked grin. "It's fun to hit co-eds. I've got five so far today. Sometimes I'll help them at night if I see them."

Some insight on this twisted individual:

Robert Homer Reid was born on Dec. 2, 1936 in Chicago. His father, an employee at Woolworth's, was periodically on the move, and by the time Bob was starting the first grade, he was living in Kewanee. When the time came to begin high school, he was in another town. Needless to say, adaptation was a must.

Compounding that was the cerebral palsy, a brain disorder Bob was born with that always made him a little different from everyone else. For the most part, he says kids at school were warily sympathetic of him, refraining from bullying him but acknowledging that his slow speech and disjointed sentences made him more than irregular. Occasionally, someone would act out against him. It was the exception to the standard, but it didn't bother Bob too much. The disease was a part of him, and the best he could do was live with it.

"I couldn't defend myself," Bob says. "I was too slow. [The disease] was worse when I was smaller. I've made lots of progress, but I'll never be rid of it."

Regardless, Bob made the best he could of it. Although he admittedly had to put handfuls of dreams on the back burner, kids got used to Bob, he got used to them, and by the time he was in high school, he was doing his own thing. He served as manager for the Annawan High School football and basketball teams, and when the time came to graduate, he was ready to go off to college.

Bob came to SIUC in 1957. He wanted to be a teacher. One day, the dean of his college called him in and compassionately presented him with the stark truth. In order to be a teacher, three things are necessary: good handwriting, clear verbal communication and the ability to speak with parents. From the dean's perspective, Bob had none of them. He suggested that Bob take a major in outdoor education. Bob took the advice and moved on.

In 1963, he graduated from SIUC. Afterward, he received his teacher's certification from Northern Illinois University and even took some classes at Illinois State University, where one professor harshly warned him his handicap would prevent him from ever being a teacher.
No matter. Bob did find work as a teacher in the 1970s at the Dixon State School, where he worked with mentally handicapped people who helped put his own disease into perspective, and that, perhaps combined with his bike lessons, gave Bob a different lease on life.

"They needed a slow person to relate to them," Bob says. "They were so slow. It's hard to accept a person who's 40 with the mind of a 2-year-old. You are teaching babies, but I tried my best. My handicap was a gift there."

About that time, Bob got some bad news.

His father had suffered a heart attack and died, and although he had been sick for quite a while, the news hit Bob hard. For weeks, he stopped eating, slipping into an almost insurmountable depression. Finally, his boss told him that he needed to get his life back together, and hesitantly Bob began to turn things back around.

He worked for a while longer in Dixon and eventually moved on to another mental health facility in Jacksonville. There, he worked successfully as a teacher until 1991. After that, the best that can be said is that whimsy took hold of Bob. Something about the coloring of the Southern Illinois leaves in fall and the way Carbondale wakes up in the summer grabbed him. That year, he bought a house on Forest Street and rented it out until he was ready to move in. After dealing with a $700 water bill and cat feces left on the carpeting, Bob moved into his new home in 1993.

He was back in Saluki country again.

Now, Bob is an SIUC fixture. Looking for a way to stay active in the life of the campus, Bob volunteered with the Physical Plant for anything he might be able to do. In 1993, he began his steady rounds with the flags on campus. He still stops to salute the main flagpole in front of Altgeld Hall each morning after raising the flag to the top.

Lately, the mornings have been cold. When Bob begins his campus rounds around 7 a.m., bitter winds meet him on his long ride to campus, and he admits that on the days when there is rain or the cold is simply too much to deal with, the Physical Plant takes over. After all, he says, he's getting pretty old. His morning marathons are work for the young.

His hands shake when he raises the flag up the poles - a combination of the stinging cold and his lifelong disease. For all the discomfort that may appear on the surface, however, Bob loves making his daily rounds, and he loves talking to friends along the way.

There are secretaries and cafeteria workers. Friday, he met with Chancellor Walter Wendler in his Anthony Hall office. And lately, he's noticed a steady stream of students trailing behind him. Film students, photographers and even newspaper reporters follow him for a story or a class project or on deadline.

If he is now a campus icon, it is because he wrote the role for himself.

Beside flying the flags on a daily basis, Bob was also instrumental in repairing the clock on Pulliam Hall in 1995, when he led a drive to install lights on the tower and crusaded to get the chimes ringing again. Now, Pulliam is nothing short of a campus symbol. By extension, so is Bob.
Bob says he is a people person. This is only partly true. For all of his campus socializing, for all the faces he meets on a daily basis, he is very much the loner. He never married, and his only family member is a sister in California. Just look at these photos. In each, Bob stands alone. This is not coincidence, and in fact, Daily Egyptian photographer Anthony Soufflé told this reporter that it was next to impossible to photograph Bob next to other people. It was simply not a moment that happened very often.

As a result, we see Bob here as most people see him.

Silently riding on his bike.

But don't get us wrong - Bob has friends all across Carbondale. There is the community at First United Methodist Church, the swimming class he takes three days a week and what he considers one of his greatest friends of all: Southern Illinois University.

At the end of the day, Bob says that friendship makes it all worth it.

And as a result, he keeps on riding.

"It's a prideful job," Bob says. "I am proud to do it."

http://newshound.de.siu.edu/fall04/stories/storyReader$1207

posted by Toya @ 1:18 AM 0 comments

Wednesday, December 15, 2004

Finals...

....what else is there to say?

posted by Toya @ 1:58 PM 0 comments

Friday, December 10, 2004

Drained

I feel so drained. Wednesday night i missed bible study to do work (which i really didnt get done) and i had to meet with my actors for my directing scene at 9pm to rehearse. We rehearsed from 9-11pm. Then after that i went to the library until like 3:45am, typing up my play. Then i had to be in class by 9am. So by time i got home at like 3:55am, i hopped in the shower, got dressed, went to sleep for 3 hours, work up at 7:45, brushed my teeth, and hurried up to get the bus that came by my house at 8:24am so that i could get to the building my class is in at 8:38am. MAN! that was CRAZY! i was SO SO SO tired trying to get my play done that i couldve gotten done like 3 weeks ago. I have a big problem with procrastinating. It should be my middle name. I dont know why i put things off until the last minute. I hate it! I wish i could just for once get an assignment done on time.

Finals are next week and i've been sitting in this lab for X amount of hours not getting a damn thing finished. I couldve probably got 2 assignments done. Whats wrong with me?! Yesterday i was getting work done, but today i'm not. I got like four 2-page papers due monday morning at 9:30am for theater history. I have the rest of my play to finish and be revised by 4:30pm this monday. I also have my directors book for my directing class due tuesday by 2pm i believe, i have to make sure about that, or i'ma fail, lol. Also for my stage management class i gotta have my prompt script (the book that stage manager's use that keeps track of a entire production), by 11am on tuesday. Alot of work due. I hate theater now! I dont know why i even switched back to it. It's too much work, lol. You would think that alot of work didnt go into theater, but it does. And there's more to acting in theater. You have directing, stage management, playwriting, set designers, carpenters, lighting designers, etc, etc. I wish i wouldve stuck with radio/television, but like i posted about over a year ago , i got kicked out of that program :-( . I wish that i couldve passed that class dealing with laws so i couldve stayed in. It wasnt that i didnt understand the material because i did, it was very interesting to me, but since i'm not very organized and put stuff off to the last minute, i messed myself up. UGH someone help me! I need help! I need to stop procrastinating! *clears throat* Hello, my name is Latoya and i am the Queen of Procrastination. See, why am i still on the computer typing this? I should be typing my paper!

I was also looking at a old post of what i did on my 21st birthday 2 years ago. I didnt do nothing at all, which was sad, just like this year, but oh well.

I HATE FINALS!

Why do i always scare guys away? I dont know, maybe i'm weird or something...

My thoughts feel jumbled right about now. I'm tired and it's 11:07 pm. I was done by 3pm today and still didnt get anything done!. I wish i had a boyfriend and sometimes i dont. I went to eat lunch by my self today. I feel like that's something i shouldnt do. I went to this resturant, well pizza place, and ordered me a taco pizza (i know it might sound gross, but it's good), and sat in the resturant and ate by my self *sighs*.

Also why do lil boys send me notes on BP??? OMG@the note this lil boy sent me the other day:


date
Dec.02.2004 11:55

from
lyndale15 save to address book block report abuse

to
miss_toyaj

category: general

subject: hi


message

my name is lyndale i am 15 years old im on black planet cause im interested in older women u may think im too young but i thing age ain`t nothin but a number if u under stand me then hit me back up if not then thanks any way


What in Sam Hill? That lil boy is 15 and i'm 23! I am NOT a R. Kelly and i dont like little boys. LOL, i have sort of a 4 year rule: If you're over 4 years older than me, dont even try to holla. 5 years is pushing it. Also no more than a year younger than me, 2 years is pushing it, but can be done :-) . But i dont know about dating someone 2 or more years younger than me. I guess it doesnt matter if they're mature, but heck some of the guys my age and older aren't mature. I dont know. There's no guys on this campus. It's sad. I guess i'm going to go to those 2 guys graduation that i said i had crushes on, lol. Graduation is next week on saturday. But i guess that's enough for me to post right now. Have a good weekend people! Though i might come back tot he pc lab to do work and then i may post tomorrow. Peace!

posted by Toya @ 10:37 PM 2 comments

Thursday, December 09, 2004

Last song for the day, really...

...for any of ya'll out there that feel like giving up, this one is for you:

Stand- Donnie McClurkin

Stand (writtten by Donnie McClurkin)
(recorded by Donnie McClurkin)

Verse 1: What do you do when you've done all you can,seems like its never enough?Tell me what do you give when you've given your all, seems like you can't make it through.

Chorus: You just stand when there's nothing left to do,you just stand watch the Lord see you through;after you've done all you can you just stand.

Verse 2: How do you handle the guilt of your past,how do you deal with the shame?How can you smile when your heart has been broken and pained?What do you give when you've given your all, seems like you can’t make it through.

Chorus

Bridge: Stand and be sure,be not entangled with the bondage of sin,You just stand and endure,God has a purpose, yes, God has a plan.

Verse 3: What do you do when you've done all you can,feels like you can't make it through;You just stand…

Vamp 1: Stand,Stand,Stand,you just.

Vamp 2: After you've done all you can,after you've done all you can.

Ending: After you've done all you can you just stand.

posted by Toya @ 1:56 PM 1 comments

Another one

I Need You Now- Smokie Norful


I Need You Now
(written by Smokie Norful)
(recorded by Smokie Norful)


Not a second or another minute
Not an hour of another day
But at this moment with my arms outstretched
I need You to make a way
Lord as You've done so many times before
Through a window or an opened door
I stretch my hands to thee
Come rescue me, I need You right away.

I need You now, I need You now
I need You now, I need You now
Not another second or another minute
Not an hour of another day
But, Lord, I need You right away.

If I've never needed You before
To show up and restore
All of the faith that I let slip
While I was yet searching the world for more
The truest friend I have indeed
You're my best friend I know in need
I stretch my hands to thee
Come rescue me, I need You right away.

The agony of being alone
The fear of doing things on my own
The tests and trials that come to make me strong
The feelings of guilt, hurt, shame and defeat
The waves of trials that beat upon me
But to know Lord, in You I've got victory.

I just love this song! And I know alot of people feel like this.

Black Gospel Lyrics

posted by Toya @ 1:39 PM 0 comments

Just read it

This is a song we learned by Richard Smallwood, for our women's conference this past summer, but never got to sing it. The Spirit was so high in church during service after the first song, we never got around to singing this song, the second one, because folks was shouting, lol, and the preacher just went right into preaching and laying hands. But here is the song, i still want us to sing it, it's a very beautiful song about just thanking God and Jesus for just all that they do for us, despite of what we do:

Thank You- Richard Smallwood


Verse 1:
For the many times I've fallen
Yet You forgave me
Thank You, Lord I thank You
For unmerited favor
And Your brand new mercies
Thank You, how I thank You

Refrain:
For waking me up this morning
For letting me see
One more dawning
Thank You, Lord, I thank You
I thank you Lord, ooh

Verse 2:
For life health and strength
For food and for shelter
Thank You, Lord I thank You
If I had ten thousand tongues
It just wouldn't be enough to say
Thank You, how I thank You

(Refrain)

Vamp:(Solo* call and response w/ Choir#)
*For saving...
#For saving my soul
*And making...
#For making me whole
*For calming...
#For calming my fears
*And wiping...
#For wiping my tears
*And let me know...
#And letting me know...
*That I...I'm not alone
#I'm not alone
*For waking...
#For waking me up this morning
*For letting me see
#For letting me
*Just one more dawning
#One more dawning
*Ooh thank You...
#Thank You
*Lord, I wanna say
#Thank You
*You've done so much
#Thank You
*Lord, that's all I can say
#Thank You
*You allowed me to see another day
#Thank You
*Of no goodness of my own
#Thank You
*But it was by Your mercy, it was by Your grace
#Thank You
*It was by Your love, it was by Your patience, Lord I wanna thank You
#Thank You
*I was sinking deep down in sin
#Thank You
*Far from the peaceful shore
#Thank You
*But the master of the sea...of the sea
#Thank You
*He heard my despairing cry
#Thank You
*Hey, from the waters, from the waters, from the waters
#Thank You
*From the waters, from the waters, from the waters, from the waters
#Thank You
*He lifted me up...and I wanna thank you He lifted me up
#Thank You
*I should've been dead sleeping in my grave
#Thank You
*All alone I wanna thank You
#Thank You
*Thank You Jesus, is anybody here grateful thank you Jesus
#Thank You
*When I wanna say thank You Lord
#Thank You

I thank You Lord, oooooo

lyrics provided by: Black Gospel Lyrics

Listen to a clip of the song here:

posted by Toya @ 1:05 PM 0 comments

Wednesday, December 08, 2004

Be Encouraged

This is some scripture from the Bible that my cousin sent me and some other people from church the other day in a e-mail. I hope that this is a encouraging word for you guys:



To all my friends that are going through, the best thing I can do is encourage you with the Word of Our God. Be encouraged, and if we gotta go through, then let's just come on through it. In your personal life and as a part of the family of Hopewell, Lift up your heads!!!!!
You can make it, and you can take this....Didn't God work it out the last time you thought there was no way??? Think back...

Love you all,
Glenda


Isaiah 54

1 Sing, O barren, thou that didst not bear; break forth into singing, and cry aloud, thou that didst not travail with child: for more are the children of the desolate than the children of the married wife, saith the LORD.
2 Enlarge the place of thy tent, and let them stretch forth the curtains of thine habitations: spare not, lengthen thy cords, and strengthen thy stakes;
3 For thou shalt break forth on the right hand and on the left; and thy seed shall inherit the Gentiles, and make the desolate cities to be inhabited.
4 Fear not; for thou shalt not be ashamed: neither be thou confounded; for thou shalt not be put to shame: for thou shalt forget the shame of thy youth, and shalt not remember the reproach of thy widowhood any more.
5 For thy Maker is thine husband; the LORD of hosts is his name; and thy Redeemer the Holy One of Israel; The God of the whole earth shall he be called.
6 For the LORD hath called thee as a woman forsaken and grieved in spirit, and a wife of youth, when thou wast refused, saith thy God.
7 For a small moment have I forsaken thee; but with great mercies will I gather thee.
8 In a little wrath I hid my face from thee for a moment; but with everlasting kindness will I have mercy on thee, saith the LORD thy Redeemer.
9 For this is as the waters of Noah unto me: for as I have sworn that the waters of Noah should no more go over the earth; so have I sworn that I would not be wroth with thee, nor rebuke thee.
10 For the mountains shall depart, and the hills be removed; but my kindness shall not depart from thee, neither shall the covenant of my peace be removed, saith the LORD that hath mercy on thee.
11 O thou afflicted, tossed with tempest, and not comforted, behold, I will lay thy stones with fair colours, and lay thy foundations with sapphires.
12 And I will make thy windows of agates, and thy gates of carbuncles, and all thy borders of pleasant stones.
13 And all thy children shall be taught of the LORD; and great shall be the peace of thy children.
14 In righteousness shalt thou be established: thou shalt be far from oppression; for thou shalt not fear: and from terror; for it shall not come near thee.
15 Behold, they shall surely gather together, but not by me: whosoever shall gather together against thee shall fall for thy sake.
16 Behold, I have created the smith that bloweth the coals in the fire, and that bringeth forth an instrument for his work; and I have created the waster to destroy.
17 No weapon that is formed against thee shall prosper; and every tongue that shall rise against thee in judgment thou shalt condemn. This is the heritage of the servants of the LORD, and their righteousness is of me, saith the LORD.

posted by Toya @ 8:39 PM 2 comments

Tuesday, December 07, 2004

Why?

Is there more female blgoger than males? Everytime i search through the profiles of people, and click on a interest of mine to find other bloggers, there's more women than men. Ugh@that. Just wondering. Do most males rather not share whats going on in their head? I'v come across a few male, well black male, bloggers on here, but there's not many, oh well...

My b-day was ok, i just went to Applebee's (ugh) for some desert. I got me a new cell phone, because my other one was 2 and a half years old, and it was already kind of old when i got it. It still had a yellow backlight. I was in need of a new one, so the camera one was a much needed improvement.

Finals are next week! Thank Goodness! But i have alot of work due this week. Why am i a procrastinator? I dont know. I hate that i am one. I really need to learn how to manage my time better. This has been a problem for me since i about 5th grade i think.

My friend, Mike (who i've talked about on here before if you click his name), is this guy that kinda likes me, but doesnt, and i kinda like him, but i dont and he gets on my nerves, told me that his grandpa died this past thursday. On Napkaboom's blog, she talked about death and what to say to people when they've lost someone. I didnt know what to say when he told me that. All i could say was "i'm sorry to hear about that". I know i probably sounded like an ass. I mean it seems like there should be something more i can say. I dont know. I dont know what to say to someone after they've lost someone they love. Sometimes i figure they probably wouldnt even want to hear anything i have to say because it still probably wont ease their pain. I cant say "I understand, you're going to get through it", because i dont understand or know how much it hurts them.

LOL, i figured out how to post links by finding out which tags to use. I knew the tag before, since i think theyr'e all the same, like on BP, but i forgot it. Anyways, it's time for me to go home and TRY to get some work done. PEACE!


posted by Toya @ 7:55 PM 0 comments

Friday, December 03, 2004

Happy birthday to me!

Tomorrow that is. Yep i am going to be the big 23 years old! I cant believe it! I thank God everyday for letting me live this long and to be able to wake up another day, even with all the things i may do that isnt right by him and that he wouldnt approve of, i thank him for still loving me enough to let me see another day. Thank you God! I love you! well i dont have nothing much more to say, well i guess because i have to go in a few and get something to eat before i have my rehearsal for my directing class. Then after that i got choir rehearsal. Tomorrow i dont know what i will do. I could hang with folks from church, that's if they remember it's my b-day because i didnt tell anyone, or i could just sit alone by my self, which is what i'll probably do...or i could call that guy (if he answers and care) that i mentioned below and see if he wants to hang out...or i might go out to dinner by my self *shrugs*. or i could call this other guy i know on campus, that acts like h likes me also, but i dont know about him...thats the guy i posted about last month that i said that he showed up at my apartment at 11pm. the heck?@him. smh, and he thought i was going to let him in, ha! i'm not that type a girl. he shouldve caleld first, and even if he did call first, i wasnt about to have him in my apartment after 10pm if he wasnt already there earlier int he day, cuz wait he did stay before until 10:30 one time, but we was listening to music and eating and doing homework. And i did stay in his dorm room one time, he's an RA, not the same guy from below, another RA, but i dont know...i think he has "other women" and he called my number asking for the wrong girl, smh, i think i talked about that already, but that's the 2nd time he did that...lol so i dont know if i wanna hang with him, but i'm bored, and i dont want ot be alone on my birthday...hopefully folks from church wont be cheap, or say that they're broke because i really dont want to be by my self tomorrow...i need the company, it doesnt have to be male company, just friends, or folks who act like they are, associates or something....but oh well...well happy birthday to me! this post sounds depressing now, lol, and heck i'll just sit up and buy my own birthday cake and ice cream, and call it a day! have a good weekend everybody! i'll be back monday! (cus i dont have the internet at home anymore and i gotta use the campus computers, and i be feeling like coming to campus on the weekend) peace out! 2 fingas!

also, i went to this lecture yesterday about the Brown vs. Board of education case, and Cheryll Brown Henderson (not the little girl from the case, her younger sister) talked about the myths of the Brown case, what people believed what happened and how it came about, and Mr. Stokes (i forgot his first name) was a teenager that was apart of that case, and one one of a group of teenagers that took their case to the Surpreme Court. I learned alot. Here's the website, and it'll erase all of the myths of what you thought you knew about the case, she told us about it in the lecture, because that's her and her sister, Linda Brown (the lil girl everyone hears about from that case) website. They are both lawyers now. Read the site to find out more. I'll post about it later. Until monday, peace! http://www.brownvboard.org/

posted by Toya @ 4:13 PM 3 comments

Wednesday, December 01, 2004

DANG IT!

that damn post is too damn long! i'm so long winded! if i type up a post that damn long again, someone smack me! lol, i pasted that on MS Word and it was 4 and a half pages single spaced lol...full of boring non sense, smh...late for bible study! peace!

posted by Toya @ 7:11 PM 0 comments

Crushes (Part 3, the last one seriously)

Ok, this is the last one! I know that the other 2 are too dang on long and no one will probably read them, and they might sound like I'm rambling on, but I dont care! I gotta get this out so I can feel better, lol. Besides, I know I could write about them later on down the line, but I might forget. I think I'm developing earl alzheimers and my short term memory is leaving me it seems. So I'll just write about this now.

There's this guy that I liked last year. I met him in the summer of 2003 when we had a analytical writing class together, English 290. He's VERY tall, like 6'7", and I like tall guys. Since I was still going through my depression and social anxiety, I was still so nervous talking to guys. He approached me however. I wasnt sure if he liked me, maybe he didnt, he was probably just being nice.

(I actually typed the above last night, but I had to log off because the pc lab closed at 10pm and I dont have the net at home anymore, no to finish it up and something new)

So we had class together, and in our class we had to read each other's papers. So I wrote a paper on the type of books I like, and I guess he was into the same type of books, so he gave me a copy of one of the authors I listed. I was like "oh ok, cool, thanks" because I'm not reallyuse to a guy approaching me like that. He didnt come at me like some of these other guys talking about "Hey shorty come here" or "hey ma' can I get ya number?", he just gave me a book thats all, but maybe that was apart of his game, to be a gentleman, lol, I'm always suspicious. So when we would leave class, he would walk with me when I went to the library after class and sit with me, and talk to me, but me being kinda nervous still, I didnt really know what to say to him, and I would be all quiet and act shy. I was mad at my self because I was like "wow another guy wants to talk to me but i'm being too shy!", but I couldnt help it. He would always ask how tall I was, I guess because he liked tall girls since he's 6'7", and compliment me. He would compliment me on my hair too, which was a surprise because I figured most guys probably wouldnt try to holla at a girl that's wearing her hair natural, cuz my hair is nappy as heck, and I've broken a few combs from combing through my hair, lol. But he liked the lil fro i would wear, or afro puff, and especially the twist, smh, talking about i should put one of those cowrie(sp) shells in my hair.

So we had small talk in class, but we never talked on the phone. So I happened to come across his page on BP (everyone and their mama is on there, even my daddy got an account on there, smh), and I read on his page some poems he did and about how his parents were divorced because his father use to abuse his mother and how he use to be scared about that, so I felt a lil sad for him, because I understand and my parents are divorced to. So I sent a note telling him that it was me from the english class and so he wrote back. Well after the class was over, it was a 8 week class, I didnt get a number from him. He didn't really talk as much to me as he did in the middle of the semester, but he did talk. Actually in the beginning of the semester I never said nothing to him, he always spoke to me, because from some reason I didn't like him, I guess because he reminded of this other guy I use to like, so he kinda got on my nerves. So I sent him a note asking when he was going to cook, and he was like "naw you cook for me", but see I'm not about to cook for some negro, so I told him he has to cook for me. So he gave me his number and we decided to just hang in his dorm room and watch movies, "I'm gonna git you Sucka" I believe (one of my favorite movies, lol), because he just moved back on campus because he was about to be an RA for the upcoming school year.

This negro went out to eat with the other RA's and stood me up! I was SO mad. I thought he did it on purpose, which he probably did, but he called me back later and said he was sorry but all of the new RA's went to the movies and he forgot to call me and tell me that we couldnt hang. I was hurt because i thought he did that on purpose. So ok, the summer was over and the beginning of the fall semester of 2003 started. That august of 2003 I moved into my own apartment because me and my cousin wasnt gonna stay together anymore. So we was supposed to meet up again, and this time cook. He was trying to get me to cook, but I said I would only cook something if he cook something. He stood me up again! said he was sleep or something. So I was like ok, this guy dont like me, and he was pissing me off. I felt like he was playing games. So I called him up some time after that and asked him why he don't call me (that was probably a bad move, but I wanted to know), and he gave me some BS "It's not you, it's me, I'm just not a talkative person", psssh, whatever, everyone knows him on campus, well not everyone, but alot of people, I guess because he's so tall. Maybe I shouldnt have asked him that, but see I wanted to know. I hate to not know something. I know that may sound retarded, but I do. If I like someone, I want to know if they like me back or not, and I guess I'm like that now because of me having a crush on Patrick forlike 7 years. I hate to just sit up and wonder if they're interested or if there's the slightest possibility of us going out. Also I dont know how to deal with guys. I've never dated. I've never had a boyfriend. I'm about to be 23 in 3 days and I still never had a boyfriend. Sad I know. But that's why! I'm so inexperienced in alot of things, I know I'm naieve in some areas of life, but that's all due to me being nervous talking to people, especially guys I liked. I know my cousin wouldve been like "Dont call a guy and ask him that" "Or dont ask a guy out, thats something they should do", but I feel like I have to do those things because, I dont know, I missed out on all of that stuff when I was in high school. Alot of stuff I'm just now learning I feel like I'm years behind, which I probably am, but it wasnt my fault. So now I just gotta learn on my own. But alot of people tell me "be happy you never been in a relationship yet because you didnt have to deal with alot of mess with breaking up and having a broken heart and getting hurt". Though I never had any of those experiences, I want to because I feel like I've missed out on so much when everyone else my age it seems already went through allthat relationship stuff.

Back to the 6'7 guy. LOL, I'm scared to even say what his name is because it's so uncommon, so if someone knew him, they would know who I'm talking about, especially since I said he's 6'7, and hey there might be someone from my school reading this, or even him, but a synonym for his name is "adore", so figure it out, and yes that's his real name, but I thought he was joking at first. So I would see him throughout the school year, and we'll speak to each other. Everytime he see's me, he makes me give him a hug. I dont even be wanting to give him one. From looking at his BP page, it suddenly said "involved/partner", so I guess he ended up having a girlfriend later, so maybe that's why he lost interest in me, since she must have held his interest instead so he choose her. Or maybe he never really did like me, and he was just a flirt, and I REALLy hate flirts. But then I know I shouldnt assume that any guy that's flirting with me wants to try to be with me. But how do you know? Maybe they just flirt to see if they still got it or something, or how many numbers they can pull, I dont know, but I dont like it.

So I didnt see him for much of the spring semester of this year, 2004, and didnt think much of him, I guess because I had a crush on the guy Nat, lol. I did see him one time at the library and he sat and talked with me, and as we were leaving out the library he told me "You need to get some fire in your life. Get some fire, a man, and some dick." That made me mad! And who is he to tell me that? I guess he was trying to say that I might seemed a little down or bitter or whatever because I dont have a man and I wasnt getting any. Well duh, I'm not getting any because I'm a virgin still, and when folks tell me that I need to go get some penis, that pisses me off because I'm waiting for a reason dang it! I really wanted to cuss him out, but I didnt. However in the summer of 2004, this past one, i ran into him in our student center. He comes back down the elevator and was like "Hey where you been? I missed you!", and gave me a hug. So confusing. I mean it's not like we really talked anymore, and I never called him again since I asked him why he stopped talking to me. So I was wondering why he missed me so much. So I was running late for class, and he wouldnt let me go, he was still hugging me. So I gave him my number and left, well he didn't write it down, but it's easy to remember, but I guess he didnt because he never called. Why I gave him my number? I dont know, maybe I still liked him. Or maybe I just really want to get to know him, I mean I do, not just to start dating him, but to be friends. I dont know, he just catches my attention. Maybe his height, maybe the way he first came out me, I dont know.

So yea, I know this is long, but I just wanna type it out. So i see him again this summer, and he says that he's doing aight, but not that good. His girlfriend broke up with him and gave him some lame "It's not you, it's me and i gotta go find my self B.S" he said. So I'm like, ok, but I wasnt studying him. So he tells me to call him. I don't know, maybe he wanted me to be his rebound girl, but um, I dont think so. I didnt call him, well right away that is. I called him like a week or 2 later, but it was to help me move back this past August. I wasnt feeling him anymore like that. When I called though, it was a bogus number, to Compaq or something. I sent him a note on BP like 2 months ago asking if he was still down here for school since i havent seen him around. I knew he was graduating, but i didnt know when. I havent seen him since then....

That was until 2 days ago, on monday that is :-). Yea, yea, yea. I seen him, and I started thinking to my self "I need to get out of this library before he see's me" since he walked past me 2 times, but I dont think he noticed me. He was going to print something. So I was wondering if he walked past me on purpose or if he did notice me. So the way the pc's are in the library there are like 10 rows of tables of PC's and there are computers on each side. He was towards the front of the library and I was a few rows behind him, but our backs were towards each other so we didnt see each other. So I got up to put some money on my print card, which meant that I had to go to the front of the library and he would see me since he was facing that way. I didn't look his way. When I started to walk to the print, he ran into me on purpose and hugged me. I like ran into his chest, lol. I mean when he hugs me, my head can lay on his chest. Now must guy's I've hugged, that wont happen, because they're all my height (5'10-5'11) or between 5'10-6'3 it seems. So I ask him when he graduates and he graduates this month on December 18th. He also told me that he has a job lined up in KC, MO with a department store being a manager. He's a business major. So I asked him about the bogus number, and he said that they changed it, and gave me his new cell number. So I called that night, because I wanted to make sure it wasnt fake, and he asked me "You think I'd send you off?" and I was like yea because that last number was fake.

So I dont know, I'm like I dont like this guy, but I want to get a chance to just hang and find out about him, even though he's leaving. Also I dont want my first relationship to be a long distance one, so I'm not even trying to holla at him like that. So I called him last night, he didnt answer and I left a message. He called me back, but I was one the phone and told him I'll call him back. I sent a text to him to see if he was still woke and he called me back. So we're talking asking how school is. I asked him if he was excited about having this job, and he was like no. Then all of a sudden he blurts out with "Toya why dont you just admit that you like me?" LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO *dead* I was like WTF? Well that's what I was thinking, I didnt say that, lol. So I was like "Well why do I have to like you? What makes you think that i like you? Why cant it be that you really like me?" And he was like "Well because I never had a girl to call me and not try to get up with me" And I was like "Well i'm not most girls" and he was like 'I know, you're a homebody" and I was like "you're sure right". I know this is getting BORING and LONG, but I have nothing else to right about, yet. So he was like "Well I'm not use to that". UGH thats so cocky. Why do I have to like him to call him? Ok maybe I do like him still just a little bit, but I dont know. But I was mad at that. Cockiness is a turn off for me. It also made me mad because all the times I see him, I dont go towards him, I rather go away from him. He always come to me. He's always the one that gives me hugs and makes me hug him. He's always the one talking about "I missed you". SMH. So I asked how his thanksgiving break was and he said that it was good and he thinks that he meet the girl that he is going to marry at his friends family house over break. I don't know why he told me that, maybe to see how I would re-act since i didnt admit to liking him, or maybe not. I did like him at one point, but now, I just wanna get to know him to be friends. Maybe I'm sounding indecisive, I don't know. I like him cuz he's tall, but that's not good enough, lol. He's not even the best looking guy, but his height is what I love so much about him. I don't know, but I just wanna know if he likes me! And I will bring up what he said last night sometime this or next week when I call him. Or maybe I shouldnt call him. Or maybe I'll call him because I'm bored and have no one else to talk to. But I dont know. He's playing games, I dont know, maybe not. Or maybe he do want me, and just figured that it wouldnt work since I'm a virgin. I never told him I was one, but I'm pretty sure he figured it out. Heck it seems to be written on my face. I've had people tell me that I looked like a virgin, smh. But oh well, that is all, my long and boring ass nonsense post talking about absolutely nothing. I really couldve said all this in two paragraphs and left every single detail out, but for some reason i dont know how to do that *shrugs* oh well, I'm running late for bible study, so I'll see tomorrow if anyone commented, but I doubt if anyone will make it to the end of this, lol, unless they read the begging and skip the middle and go straight to the last section, lol. Ya'll have a good night :-)

posted by Toya @ 5:58 PM 1 comments