Goodbye, well "later".... (Sept 16, 2007)
(This is a blog i wrote on my Myspace on Sept 16, 2007, please excuse the typos!)in the previous blog, i said that my ex got back in contact with me. this caused a mess. me i was so confused because i was starting to like someone else i've been talking to. this caused a little bit of a problem witht he new guy, and he didn't want to get hurt. he felt like i still love my ex. i told him i'll always have a place for him in my heart, but that i need to move on and see what else is out there like he did. the new guy got a little jealous, and that's not a good thing, but i see where he's coming from, just wanting to cut me off so that he doesn't get hurt. now my ex, i miss him. we've been texting each other all week, well mainly him texting me first. i was kinda wishing he'd stop. he seemed to keep hinting at wanting to meet up, and i'm like i don't think so. this has had me thinking all week about whether i should even be friend with him, which is what he want to do, but i know he wants to get back together, tho he said he understands if i don't wanna talk to him and am seeing other people. like i might've said in the previous blog, i don't think it's been enough time for him to want to run back to me, especially if thing's didn't work out with whoever he was talking to. which is what i told him today. i decided to cut him off again, for a while, if not forever. i need to really move on. i mean i miss him, and there maybe a chance later on, but right now i need to do me. he had his chance, and i want mine. not just because he had his chance, but us breaking up has made me think about there being something better out there. if we didn't break up, we'd probably still be together. i'd probably still be trying to figure out what i want to do with my life. breaking up has pushed me to really think about what i want to do because i wasn't no longer thinking about how my decision would effect the significate other in my life,. since i've decided to go back to school, i'll just let guys know that ahead of time. i told him i can't be friends because i need to move on and it's hard if i'm trying to date someone else and be friends with my ex at the same time. those feelings will be there, i'll always care about him. that's not going to help a new relationship, at least not now. i have to be complete over him because i can be friends with him, and right now, i don't know about that. either way i don't want to be with him because i don't know if i can trust him, or if he appreciate me, or if he'd be honest with his feelings. i also don't feel that 4 months is enough time for him to know what he's wants in his life when it comes to women. he was only tlaking to 2 girls. that didn't work out, what if the next girl worked out? i told him 4 months isn't enough time, and i don't want it to be that if me and him got back together, then he see's another girlhe likes, then break it off with me. i don't want to get hurt again. i told him not to wait on me because i don't know what will happen. i told him i don't expect for him to wait on me and that he need's to continue to date. if late one, our relationships don't work out, and we're both single, and he changes for the better, and i can finally trust him, and he appreciate me, maybe then, we can try, but right now, no. i feels he needs to figre out what he wants, and he also needs to know what he's going to do with his life reguarding school. also i maybe moving away, but he did say that if he had a better job, and if we were together and things were going good, he'd be more willing to try a long distance relationship, because he'd have the money to travel and he'll probably be on his way to falling in love. this relationship crap sucks! i wish it was alot easier. we talked for about 4 hours tonight. i originally called to just get it out and say "we can't talk no more", but we got the talking about something else silly, lol. i really miss our friendship we had. i eventually got around to that, and he said he understood. we talked some more about where our lives were heading, and i was like yeah, we gotta stop talking for now. we didn't want to get off the phone with one another, but i had to go because i got work. i started to cry, because i was letting him go again, and he told me not to, but i couldn't help it. i felt like this was for the best, but i'm wondering if i'm making a mistake and if i should keep him in my life. i don't know. for now i feel like it maybe best, especially while i'm dating other people, because what guy would want to date a girl who's ex is always coming around or still talks to her? i don't think they would, heck i wouldn't.i told him later instead of goodbye, because i know he hate's to say goodbye, and i know i'll probably call him again one day to check on him. we were discusing plans with our lives, and i told him that he needs ot make a plan to get his life in order. since i care about him, i may call him to check on him, but i'm sure he'd be doing fine. i check his myspace page from tiem to time when i know i shouldn't. that'll let me know what's up with him, especially if he writes a blog.
it's funny how things can change in a matter of days, weeks, or months. if he had just made up his mind to contact me maybe about a month ago, maybe, just maybe i would've said "yes, let's try this again, i want rto be with you". or maybe i would've been like "hell no i don't wanna talk to you, don't talk to me". he said he expected me to do the latter, but i told him i have a soft spot in my heart for him. i guess you always will for your first love.
Options: What is a girl to do? (Sept 11, 2007)
(This is a blog i wrote on Sept 11, 2007 on my Myspace, please excuse the typos!)so in the blog before i talked about another guy i was talking to and seemed cool, not the 35 yr old man, but the other guy. we met up and hung out, and he's a really nice guy. i'm attracted to him, but he's like an inch shorter than me and smokes cigarrettes, ugh, but other than that i like him. he's a ex-thug, lol, he use to be a lil rough neck when he was younger, but that's his past, and everyone has a past, that doesn't make our future. and he's really into studying the bible. we've talked about a few things from it, that's something me and my ex really haven't done. he seems a lil bit more serious about getting his self together with God than my ex does. i've been really enjoying talking to him, which is good because i was starting to think that i wouldnt be able to date anyone or like anyone after my ex. oh the ex, well i got a message from him on myspace today. aint this about a B uh? He sends me a message i guess at 11am this morning, well yesterday since it's 12:51am now, but anyways i got a message. he said that he know i said not to bother me, but he wants to know if i want ot meet up or hang out. i'm like wtf? i was so confused in that instant. here i am starting to like this other guy, talking to him every night, we hung out a few times, i like him, he likes me, and my ex comes along and drops a bomb. i called 2 friends, but they didn't pick up. then the new guy, i'ma call him p.j, calls. i tellh im what's up, about the note my ex sent. he's like "well what are you going to do about it" i'm like i dont know. he's like see that's why he needs to cut this off right now. i'm like what do you mean? i know what he means, he doesn't want to talkt o me no more because he thinks i'm still inlvoe with my ex. he's been saying this for the last few weeks, and i've been saying im not. he says he doesn't want to get hurt, and i mostly definately dont want to hurt him, he's a nice guy. but it's annoying when he says i'm still inlover with my ex. i've been working very hard to get over this, and it's like the last few weeks i've been really getting over the ex. i hate that my ex sent me this message. it throws a wrnch in my plans. everything was going fine, but he has bad timing as usual. so p.j says i need to call my ex and find out why he sent the message, cuz i'm like i dont know if he wants to get back together or just wants to be friends. i'm like i dont want to and i dont know, but p.j says to do so and call him back later. i make him promise me that he'll pick up when i call back. he does. he tells me not to rush off the phone with my ex, but have a good conversation with him. i call my ex, and he's like hello. i told him i was getting right to the point. i called him instead of playing tag on myspace. we talk. he tells me he misses me and has been thinking about me for the last few months, well weeks, whatever. it's only been 2 months snce we last spoke. he said he wanted to call me but wanted to respect what i said about him not contacting me. but he didn't wanna call ro text out the blue, so he just emailed me. he said if i'm available and would want to, we could be friends and start out slow. to try to date, or just be friends and not date. i'm like i dont nkow. i get a lil irritated and go back over some things we talked about months ago when we first broke up. he told me he broke up because he needed to make sure i was what he wanted and that he wanted to be sure. after 4 months he said that he realized he had a good thing and i am what he wants. i'm thinking like wtf? oh so he went off and had his fun and dated while i was having a hard time to get over it, but now he's ready and what i'm supposed to be ready too? wtf? he said he didn't expect me to just be like "yeah lets get back together". and i'm not thinking that. yeah right after we broke up, id id kinda want to get back, but the last few months i've been asking my self what if he came to be wanting to get back. should i really? or should i just date other people? should i really go back to someone who wasn't completely honest with me about their feelings and didn't appreciate me when they had me? it's so cliche, but i guess it's true that you dont know what you got until it's gone. i mean i miss my ex, i do, i miss our inside jokes, i miss our friendship. he was like my bestfriend for almost a year. when i see stuff i be wanting to call him like "oh man guess what i saw", but i couldn't cuz we wasn't together. he said he was wanting to do the same thing, but didn't cuz we wasn't together. it makes me mad that he just now realizes that he wants to get back together. why not 4-5 weeks ago before i decided to start dating? or why di dn't i wait to make that decision? maybe it would be easier. but then again i probably really wouldve been like naw cuz i wanna date, or regret getting back with him cuz i never had the chance to date. the one thing i do know is that i do want to date other people. he had his chance, and no i want my chance to see if i like someone more than him or if there's something better than him. i've been waiting for that since we broke up. telling my self that there's something better out there for me. i mean my ex is always the one saying, talking about his ex, that you don't go back to someone who broke up with you. well not so much those exact words, but he did say he wouldnt go back to his other ex cuz he broke up with him.he wanted to see what else was out there because he's a late bloomer, well i do too dammit because i am as well. i never really got the chance to date. now that i'm alot more outgoing, i wanna date and meet new guys. i don't know. p.j is a really nice guy, he's 29, yeah he a lil shorter than me, but i like him. his early gray hair on him, bothered me a lil, but i've grown to like it, i think it looks nice on him, kinda like the dude Khadija was dating on "Living single", lol, except p.J got more gray on his head than that, well it's more like a white/silver, and it looks nice against his dark skin in a weird way. but yes he's nice,a d he makes me laugh, and he care's about black people, and i do wanna find out more about him and get to know him better.
i kinda wish i didn't tellh im about this right away, but i'm too honest, so i felt like i should tell him. i can tell he likes me, so he doesnt want his feelings hurt. i dont want to hurt them. he said now we can' cake ont he phone or hold hands or whatever. we just gotta be friends. dang it, lol. i guess being friends is just what it's going to have to be friend. he said i can get to know him better and have a clearer understanding on this thing with him and my ex. that way no hand holding or caking to confuse things. he said i should meet up with my ex, but i know he doesn't want me too. i'm not sure if i should. i told my ex i'd let him know, he said i got his number to call him. i dont know. this is confusing as hell. on one hand i already know about my ex, so why even bother to meet up with him. is it to see if there's any feelings still there? of course there is, i mean he was my first boyfriend, but does that mean he's the person for me just because he was my first boyfriend? i don't know. it's been easier for me to get over him since talking to other guys, so i guess the feelings aren't so much there like it was say 2 months ago when iw as still sad. yes i've been thinking about my ex, but it's been more of a what to do if he tries to get back with me, and i've been debating this in my mind for a few weeks. long behold it happens! i wanna get to know p.j though! and i know if trying to date my ex, p.j will not stick around to see what happens. and why should he? i wouldn't blame him. so far though i told p.j i wanna date and get to know him. he said we be friends first, he dont wanna put his self out there, i dont blame him. as for my ex, i don't know. he's just probably going to have to wait, just like i was for a few months before deciding to just go date again. just because it tookh im 4 months to figure it out, doesn't mean it'll take me the same time, it may take me longer. maybe i'll be with someone ad decide that my ex wasn't for me. i guess it is best that we did break up. he told me that he's sorry he hurt me, but he doesn't regret breaking up because it let him know what he now wants. he said he wants a stable relationship, and he feels he can have that with me. i told him i maybe moving going to school. he was surprised about that because he didn't expect me to move. the other surprising thing is that he's thinking about staying in Chicago, which is funny because one reason we supposedly broke up was because he wasn't sure if he was going to be going back home or not. go figure! now we've reversed! aint that about a B! if i move away, another thing is it wont work with my ex, because he's against logn distance relationships, and i told him that. now p.j said he's up for that, so i don't know. i've been willing to try out a long distance relationship if i moe and i really care about a person. i don't know. we shall see. i just gotta pray about this because this is so confusing! anyways, i got work in the morning, peace out.
