What is wrong with me?
that's what i decided to google just now and this webpage came up: What is wrong with me?it's about Bipolar Disorder. I was feeling sad today, got into a semi kind of argument with a friend because i don't feel that he hangs with me enough. He's moving out of state, so i doubt that i'd really get to hang with him before he goes. I am broke. I need money to move. My cousin asked me on facebook if i go to church, and i figured she was trying to be funny. So i deleted her comment off my facebook status that had nothing to do with church and sent her a message saying i go when i can and don't judge me. She replied back and said to stop being so sensitive, and she wasn't judging, and stop thinking that people are attacking me. My friend i sort of gotten into an argument with earlier said the same thing. All i could reply back to her was with "ok".
i don't know what's wrong with me. Neither she, or my friend, are the first 2 people who have told me that. I've been told that by other family, like my mom, and brother, also by a friend or 2. maybe an ex boyfriend.
Why is it that i always feel that i'm being attacked and that people are out to get me? i don't like that feeling. because after i jump to conclusion and say what i have to say, when people point out that i'm being too sensitive, it makes me feel stupid. It makes me feel as if something is wrong with me and that my feelings aren't valid.
sometimes i feel like i should just shut my mouth and not say anything at all. go back to that quiet person who kept everything to her self, dealing with all of my thoughts all alone, and hurting on the inside. I don't want to go back to being that person. but now that i speak up and speak my mind, it's that i'm being too sensitive. i feel like i can't win.
so i wonder. i've always felt like i've been sad, ever since i was a little kid. if you look back at my past blogs, especially the ones from 2002 and 2003, you'd see that i always posted when i was sad or that i posted about my anxiety. i never officially been diagnosed (unless you count the time with the counselor that was in grad school at my college back in 2003), but i felt that i had social anxiety. i felt that i had a combination of social anxiety and depression.
look at the link above, maybe it just isn't depression. maybe it's bipolar disorder. i've always had a lot of ups and downs, especially as of late. earlier this year (or was it late last year), i felt like i was about to loose it. the only thing is that i try to deal with it on my own. i pray, talk my self out of the feelings (well i at least try to). i don't want to become dependent on medications.
one of my aunts is bipolar. she checked her self into a place when she was really depressed and missed work for some days. that's how she found out she was. she was always kind of mean when i was growing up. coming to find out she was bipolar, that very well made sense as to why she was so mean. she got on medications and she was a totally different person. she did stop taking the meds and said that it felt like God healed her. but i can tell the difference, and that she's not as friendly like when she was on the medication.
that's one thing i don't want to be. but i'm starting to think i might be. i've been having way too many highs and lows. i'm confident one day and happy, another day i'm really ad and feel so all alone. i hate the feeling of feeling alone. it's one of the worse feelings in the world.
there are a few people in my family that deal with mental illnesses. on my dad's side, my 2nd cousin has schizophrenia. i've heard of stories of my grandmother's grandma being crazy or going crazy. and my dad isn't too wrapped right in the head in my opinion. on my mom side, her sister, my aunt, is the bipolar one. i wouldn't be surprised if my mom didn't suffered from depression because she has a lot of sadness in her and issues she deal with. maybe from her up bringing and the things my father put her through. also i wouldn't be surprised if a lot of my aunts and uncles had issues.
i pray all of the time that God makes me normal. I just was to be a sane and normal person. i don't want to be scared to talk to people, have weird thoughts, and be sad. sometimes i think the most stupidest things, like thinking bad things would happen to people, like freak accidents, or if someone in my family dies, how will i deal with it. i'm scared of death and don't want anyone in my family to die, since that's inevitable, but i digress. i just pray and tell Satan that i rebuke those thoughts in the name of Jesus.
sometimes i wonder if prayer just isn't enough. it's been years since i had a break through at the church, but i still struggle with these issues. not to mention other personal issues that i still have yet to talk about on this blog EVER. i don't know. maybe i should just try to take the medication. hey God made people smart enough to be able to make the medications to help people with mental chemical imbalances right? so why not?
the only thing that keeps me from taking the medications is i guess the stigma behind it. it makes it seems like i would be officially crazy! also a lot of those medications have crazy side effects. like diarrhea, and suicidal thoughts! first off i don't want to be running to the bathroom all day to do @2....secondly i don't want to have suicidal thoughts! i'm scared of death! lol i don't understand why some of these medications have the suicidal thoughts side effects...it seems like that's a bad combination for someone who is depressed lol.
i don't know. still from over 8 years ago when i started this blog up to know, i've changed a lot. i am more outgoing, and i am slowly trying new things. i had my 10 year high school reunion and we went out to a bar/club after and i even danced with 4 different guys, mainly my classmates. something i would not have done 8 years ago, or even in h.s. i can talk to people. i am moving slowly but surely forward in my career. it's just that still sometimes i feel stagnant and that i'm not advancing like i should. i don't know.
i just have to continue to pray to get better. because i don't want to push my family or my friends away and feel even more lonely than what i already feel. i want a boyfriend, but i know that won't stop my lonely feeling, so i'm making my self not search for a relationship. since i still have a hard time talking to guys, i mainly use online dating sites, especially since they don't come up to me to ask me out. i also am trying to deal with my self esteem issues. i try to tell my self that i'm pretty and have been trying to make my self be more girly. i even wore a dress 4 days in a row this week. so i am trying.
one thing i do need to do is find a church, but since i'm in the burbs and don't have a car, i haven't been actively looking for one in the last almost 4 years. i go every now and then, here and there, but i haven't found one that feels completely like home. i miss the church i went to in college, but i don't even talk to any of the friends from there anymore, and that makes me sad sometimes, because they were really a support system for my coming out of my shell, when i had my break through. but i digress on that as well and that is a topic for another day.
if anyone out there is reading this, or is still reading this, and you're a christian, please keep me in your prayers. i really need it. for my sanity, to keep a sound mind, to be confident and to have a high self esteem, to be a better person, to not feel so sensitive, to not push my family and friends away, to not feel lonely, to smile more, to eat healthier and be healthier, to exercise, to not be so lazy, to be neater and more organized, to not be so worrisome, to not have the anxiety i have, to be better at saving money and budgeting my finances, to not be judgmental and to not feel like i'm being judged or attacked, to stop jumping to conclusions, and to be more focused.
hopefully soon i will be able to get a better job and better insurance. with the insurrance i hope to start going to conseling again. i really need it, especially since i haven't been to a session in about 7 years. i really need to talk to someone who will not be at all biased about my situation. i think some of my family and friends are sick of hearing my sob story and feel like i'm using it as an excuse....i'm in no way trying to, or not trying to use it as a crutch. maybe to them it's just that easy to get over the anxiety and depression and to break through, but it's not. i've been this way most if not all my life. it took years to get that way and i didn't realize something was wrong until i was about 20 or 21 years old. i am now 28 going on 29. it's going to take a long time to break out of it. it's not like i'm still in the same place. i am way more advanced than what i was, so i don't know why they might think that. *sighs* oh well.
or maybe i'm a hypocondriac like my cousin use to tell me and there's nothing wrong with me at all lol. i highly doubt that though.
anyways i think i'd stop this blog here. i haven't posted since about January, so i have a lot to say as you can see, but most of my blogs are long anyways, lol. i've been neglecting this blog really bad. i ended up changing the blog address because i didn't want my ex to see my last few post since i've emailed him the blog link before. i might change it back later, i doubt he even has tried to search for it. i know my old readers probably don't even know where my blog is...oh well lol...
anyways i hope everyone's year is going great. Go bless and take care! :-)
