Friday, October 29, 2004

What will i do after graduation?!

we'll i'm going to be on my way to choir rehearsal in a minute...it's 5:24pm now, and it starts at 6 pm...i'm just siting in the library wasting time, knowing that i shouldve been doing some work....i went to career counseling today, and it went well. This was the i think 3rd or 4th session i've been to. We talked about what things i can ask the person incharge of creative writing at my school about the program...this is my 5th year of college i'm in, and i am graduating this may, but i still dont really know what i want to do.

I am a theater major, but i dont really like theater anymore. I started off wanting to do technical stuff in theater like lighting and scenic stuff like building the set and other things...then i got bored with that and switched to radio/television. As i posting a a post about a year ago, i talked about how that didnt work out and how i'm back in theater. I switched back to theater to graduate, but it's not what i really want to do. I'm focusing on playwriting now. I took a intro to creative writing class this past spring semester and now i'm taking Short Playwriting. The short playwriting class is going ok, and i think i'm getting better in my work. There are Grad students and Doctoral students in the class in addition to the undergrad students. Next semester i will be taking the long playwriting class. In the undergrad theater program at my school however, they only offer 2 playwriting classes, which isnt enough.

I've been thinking alot lately about teaching, so i think i should pick up a 2nd BA in English. I would like to do creative writing and go to grad school for that and obtain a MFA in Creative Writing. So i'm thinking that i can pick up a 2nd BA in English and writing more stories and plays and submit that work to a graduate program that i like. I'm thinking about going to another school for grad school, which people have been telling me to do, but i'm scared to. I've gotten so comfortable here in Carbondale, which i'm surprised that i have because i use to hate being down here and wanted to go back to Chicago, but i'm comfortable here now. I do eventually want to go back to chicago, but it maybe good for me to go away to grad school in another state.

I figure that i can teach and writing plays and short stories on the side. I havent decided on what grade i would like to teach. Maybe high school would be a good start, but then i start to think about when i was in h.s and i dont think i can deal with silly teenagers....but i was thinking what age would be a good age to reach a child before they get into their teenage years and not want to listen to anyone? Maybe 5th or 6th grade would be a good age group, from 10-12 years old....i dont know, but hopefully God will help me to figure it out. I have to catch this bus for choir rehearsal, i'll post again next week, if any of ya'll are actually reading this, peace :)

posted by Toya @ 5:23 PM 1 comments

Thursday, October 28, 2004

Something random for today

i really dont know what to write about....i guess i'm not as good at this as i thought....but anyways.....you ever wonder why folks breath stank so bad? even if they brushed their teeth? for some it maybe that they have gum disease or a rotten tooth or something along those lines....for others it maybe their sinuses because if you have a bad sinus infection it will make ya breath stank......for the people that love food it maybe that they ate some type of pepper or that they had some onions or garlic or eggs (ewww@eggs!)....for others, it's just that they dont know how to brush their teeth properly.....

For those that dont know how to brush their teeth properly, thats a mistake their parents may have made.....like how many people you know, or maybe you do it ya self, only brush their teeth for a minute? brushing your teeth for a minute is NOT going to keep your mouth fresh! People dont know, you should at least brush your teeth for 5 minutes, heck 10 minutes at that! growing up, my mama was, and still is obsessed with teeth. She brushes her teeth everyday for like 15 minutes...she flosses all day long and gargles with Listerine.....she use to smoke so that maybe a reason why she was really obsessed because she didnt want the cigarette smell on her breath. What alot of people dont know however is that when you brush ya teeth, you should also brush your tongue, your gums, and the roof of ya mouth.

Do ya'll know HOW many germs and how much bacteria is in your mouth? folks will go and brush their teeth for like a minute or 2 and not even brush there tongue! That's why ya breath is stinking fool! Since there is bacteria on your tongue and ya gums, and the roof of ya mouth, you have to brush all of that stuff away because it lives in it and will cause your breath to smell!

My cousin was telling me a few weeks ago about how her older brother use to have gingivitis. She said that his breath would always smell, and he finally went to the doctor to get it fixed. She said that he's now obsessed with his mouth. She said that he has some plastic strip that you use to scrape your tongue....she said that he brushed his teeth and after that he used that thing and that he had stuff on his tongue, like white stuff, i guess it was the bacteria...you couldnt see it just from looking at his tongue, it had to be scraped off....

Could you imagine that? you brush ya teeth 2-3 times a day and your breath may still be stinking just because of all the stuff thats on your tongue....ewwwww@that! that is SO gross! i really need to one of those things, tho my breath doesnt smell, i know my mouth would feel alot fresher if i could use that.....but this is just to let those folks with the funky breath know that it takes more than just a minute brushing your teeth, and just your teeth, to get your breath fresh. You have to brush ya tongue and sometimes that not enough! you may need to get one of those things my cousin got for his tongue! Also dont be all up in folks face if you KNOW ya breath be funky.....if i feel that my mouth isnt too fresh, i dont WANT to talk to folks *shrugs* , or i'll pop a few tic-tacs or some type of mint in my mouth and when i go home i brush my teeth! But for some folks, they dont know that their breath stinks, which i dont understand because you would figure that if ya breath taste nasty, it must mean that ya mouth is nasty and not fresh!

This was so random.....i guess i'm just trying to find other things to write about since my past post have been sort of boring and depressing.....oh well, it's time for me to get some work done...i need to have a scene picked for my directing class by tuesday. We are directing a scene for that class for our final project. Hopefully i will do ok.....anyways, peace!

posted by Toya @ 5:50 PM 3 comments

Tuesday, October 26, 2004

got damn html!

i was trying to use codes, well olds codes i have saved on BP so that the actual site name wouldnt show up, but so that i could make link, but that didnt work, boooo@this blogger stuff...so the post below may look a little weird, i wanted to make the post go into the words, but that wasnt working....peace out! time to go home!

posted by Toya @ 9:39 PM 1 comments

Past Issues I Had....

....i really cant believe how boring i am, i just went through my blog and looked at pretty much all of the old postings i did, boring boring boring i tell you!....i cant believe how much i use to complain and be sad and depressed! .....well have complained in the past...i know that i complain alot and i have been trying to stop that and bite my tongue....but there's a reason for that....though i doubt if anyone actually went back through my blog and red old post from over 2 years ago...but these are some post that are important to see i guess where i've come from, and what i've over come because i'm not at that point anymore in my life....today is a new day ya'll! well lets go to (http://toya81.blogspot.com/2002/02/hey-people-out-there-how-are-you-all.html) my first ever post on this blog ....on there i was complaining about how i dont like valentine's day...which i still kinda dont like, lol, but i may be over it, because sweetest day was on oct 16th and i didnt even know it was that day, and i didnt feel sad or anything...i just realized that it's just another day...maybe i'm finally able to be comfortable with being by my self, which is good i guess, because that's something that i've been trying to work on...i need to learn how to be by my self, like my self, and build up my self confidence before i can have anyone else liking me....

here's my (http://toya81.blogspot.com/2002/02/well-lets-see-this-is-my-2nd-post-and.html) 2nd post , i was just talking about how i spent my v-day.....with (http://toya81.blogspot.com/2002/07/well-well-well-i-havent-posted-here-in.html) my 3rd post ever, i sort of talk about why i started my blog and that that was my first time posting since my 2nd post in like 5 months! as you can see i'm not very consistent with posting on my blog....ok now i will not go and give a link for EVERY post that i've done....but i just want to put links for the important ones.....theses post kinda show where i was at at that point in time....this one shows i guess how i didnt know how to deal with guys....i guess i am very naieve when it comes to guys and dating...but i'm learning slowly, and folks tell me stuff but i know i just ant listen to one person, so i try to take it in and use what i feel is the best advice for me.......

so here is one incident that i had in which i may have over reacted, but i was young, and unexperience as i am still now, now this post (http://toya81.blogspot.com/2002/07/well-wassup-again-people-its-like-223.html) , this guy right here, i met from BP, but i went to H.S with his sister , but it didnt really go anywhere (never meet anyone and try to date anyone from the net, you may feel like you know them pretty well, but most of the time, or probably 90% of the time, it wont work....) we talked ont he phone everyday before we met in person, he would call me all the time and didnt give me a chance to call.....so we decided to meet when i went back home to chicago for summer break, and we did...i went to his job, he worked at the park with the kids, he was in charge of activities and games and a b-ball coach there.....very nice and that negro was FINE, but after we met, i guess i was SO SO nervous about meeting him that i didnt talk, and he was mad at that, he later told me that he didnt like quiet people, and stopped talking to me, and i found out in this link here (http://toya81.blogspot.com/2002/07/well-its-309-am-im-about-to-go-to-bed.html) that he ended up dating someone else which hurted a little, but after that i realized that i cant get mad if a dude ends up dating someone else if he wasnt mine t begin with...but see these were things that i didnt know because i didnt date in H.S and i just kept to my self....we dont talk anymore, if i IM him he seems to not wanna talk, and if i send him a note on BP, he doesnt respond...but i have no ill wishes towards him, because it really wasnt that serious, but i really hate for someone to all of a sudden stop talking to me, so thats really why it hurted, because i wanted to be friends eith him, i thought we had stuff in common but i guess not.....but hey maybe if i wasnt so nervous when i met him....but i had social anxiety then and really had a hard time talking to people without getting nervous....but with that situaton i was hurt, and i dont know why now because it didnt really make sense...but i guess it has to go back to my social anxiety and like when i was talking to my Pastor last year about how i feel that i fail at relationships....

i was scared to talk to guys (i would get nervous and not talk or think that maybe to them i wasnt that pretty, and i felt ugly alot)...and had a hard time making friends (most of the time because i thought they wouldnt like me, or that i might not be interesting or say something so stupid that they wouldnt want to talk to me again)....i always beat my self up (not literally)...but you know i put my self down, as if it's always my fault that i dont have a boyfriend, or that why i dont have many friends, or why i always felt that i was alone for all of those years and didnt have anyone to talk to....but thank God for bringing me through that, it's a struggle and sometimes i still get a little down, but i know that i have to talk my spirit up and that the Devil is a liar and i will not let him put thoughts in my head that will destroy my self esteem or make me feel like no one will ever love me at all or that people dont like me....it's something i struggle with everyday...

now i've never been suicidal, but i just felt like going into a hole somtimes and not coming out....but it's a mind thing that i have to get over, and i know i'm not alone because i got God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit, but sometimes i just want a real friend that i can talk to...someone that i can hang with and that will be compassionate and not judge me or make fun oh me or my situation....but talking to folks at church, i later learned that i am not the only person that feel this way....and there's so many other people out there that have been through depression, anxiety, anxeity attacks, social anxiety, panic attacks, bi-polar disorder, and any other mental illnesses...in some cases you may not be able to help it, like the bi-polar disorder (aka manic depressant), but the other things are all in ya mind...but i thank God that he's heard my prayers and that i did have some people at a certain point in my life to help me to get over those things, well at least to a different place than i was 1-3 years ago....hey i pray to God all the time asking him to keep my mind because i really dont want to loose it...but like my Grandpa said a little while back, like earlier this year 'we're all a little crazy, we all have something that maybe wrong with us, at anytime we can end up with a mental illness, but it depends on how good you can handel the stuff in your mind and in the world, because if you cant handel it, you will go crazy and it will show (he might didnt say it in those exact words, but it was along those lines) ...

but here are some other links....(http://toya81.blogspot.com/2002/08/hey-people-wassup-i-see-i-have-posted.html) when me and my cousin first started to live together, this was a time that i seemed excited and was ready to start things off new...but like i said, it's been a long struggle, so the next few sites shows where i was at that point in time: link 1 (http://toya81.blogspot.com/2002/10/sighs-wassup-people-nothing-much-going.html) this one here is pretty much my life story as to why i maybe, or use to be the way i was , link 2 (http://toya81.blogspot.com/2002/10/well-hey-i-might-not-post-nothing-for.html) this one talks about my signs of depression , link 3 (http://toya81.blogspot.com/2002/10/well-well-well-ok-im-back-my-break.html) this link here was when i finally realized that i probably had social anxiety and i just learned exactly what it was by researching it online , link 4 (http://toya81.blogspot.com/2002/10/well-today-im-doing-alright.html) this link here is when i finally went to counseling and how i felt during it , link 5 (http://toya81.blogspot.com/2003/03/well-im-back-at-school-for-minute.html) here's another failed relationship, someone my bestfirend knew, but we only talked online and on the phone, it didnt work out , link 6 (http://toya81.blogspot.com/2003/02/alrighty-people.html) and here's another v-day posting, from the next year , link 7 (http://toya81.blogspot.com/2003/07/theres-nothing-much-that-has-been.html) this link here was the point in my life when things really started to get better , this was when i started to really get involved in church.... this next link, link 8, (http://toya81.blogspot.com/2003/08/well-im-back-and-today-is-first-day-of.html) , this was the point when i finally made my mind up to fight off this depression and social anxiety, and the times when i feel so alone.....

so now that i go through my post, those are really the important ones, probably like half of my post, lol....i know someone reading this would be like "what is she babbaling about? this makes no sense"...i dont know, i just felt like putting all of this past stuff put on here because i know folks wont look through my archives, and this way they can just click and see the post and figure out where i've came from...i really dont know why i've typed this, making it's my cold doing it, cuz i'm a lil sick now...or maybe cuz i'm tired...or maybe cuz i'm bored...or heck maybe one day somebody else that struggle with the same things i do will get some sort of relief that they're not alone, and that other folks do feel like they do, and that witht he help and love from God and from family and REAL friends, that you can get through it....

right now i can say i'm not at the same point that i was at in those postings, thought i might get a little down and out at times, i know how to talk my spirit up...i tell my self that i'm beautiful and pretty, not to be conceited, but to build up my self esteem....i tell my self that i can do stuff that id idnt think i could before, like trying out being a stage manager, which i was an assistant for this last play the theater department did, and i did have to deal with people, something i wouldnt have been doing 2 years ago.....well heck now even 10 years ago...because all of the depression and social anxiety didnt start from my first year of college, heck it even started before high school...as far back as i can remember, it probably started back in like 5th or 6th grade, more than likely i believe it was 6th grade....so it's been hard to get over it, and a struggle, but i am getting over it......i sign in the choir now, and have been for the past year...something i never did when i was young though i love to sing and love Gospel music, and Love God, so that was a ministry i use to want to do when i was younger, but i never did.....i have someone thats a really good friend, thats crazy about me, but i dont want to be with him yet....thats something i wouldn't have done over a year ago, because if i had a guy to like me i wouldve been trying to be his girl....i'm not just falling for any guy....i have male friends....i talk to guys now...i havent blossomed into a social butterfly over night, and i dont have many male friends or talk to ALOT of guys, but even just 1 or 2 is a big change from me not talking to any.....

i dont get as down as before, and i do try to smile alot more now...even people at church that haven't been to church in a while, when they came back they just noticed how much i smile now, even though that's still hard sometime, but i just have to make my self do it....i dont worry about being around alot of people anymore that much and i dont get that nervous...so i've changed alot....and i thank God for that.....


posted by Toya @ 6:34 PM 0 comments

Thursday, October 21, 2004

i really dont have nothing to say today...i wish these cramps would go away! and i am helluva hungry! i guess it's time to leave campus and go home, so peace out! :)

posted by Toya @ 7:32 PM 2 comments

Wednesday, October 20, 2004

ok...i'm like late for bible study...well not the actual bible study, but for prayer that starts before...but i just missed the bus and will have to catch the next bus in like 25 min...i guess i'm not mad at my cousin anymore, wait, scratched that, i am STILL pissed at her...and i told my self that i wouldnt talk to her anymore....but i cant help it, and i did like the next dayafter that talk with her i wrote about happened...it's not really in my nature to be evil, and i just couldnt, but i sure am still pissed...but yea, my teacher spranged that assignment on us and we did indeed meet last night, but we have to meet again tonight at like 10:30 and i really dont want too...i just wanna go home and go to sleep! lol, well wow this is the first time in a while that i've posted back to back...i've been having a trend of waiting about 4-6 months then posting again...but anyways, i need to go and catch this bus, i'll holla later, whoever is reading this, (probably no one at all), peace!

posted by Toya @ 5:53 PM 0 comments

Tuesday, October 19, 2004

Ok, so I'm sitting in the computer lab right now, bored...I need to be reading "Taming of the Shrew" and right a short analysis on it for my teacher since I'm supposed to be meeting with him tomorrow....He's hard, and he's getting on my nerves...He's hard to talk to, and folks be kinda scared to go to class because he's intimidating...He's the first black faculty member in the theater department, which is a good thing though, because in my 4 years here, there hasn't been a black theater professor. Well he gave us an assignment today in directing class and it's a group assignment which is due on Thursday, which means our group have got to meet today, which is bogus, because most of the class is working on this production for this play, so since they don't get out of rehearsal until like 10:30pm, we cant meet until then, it's like 7:03pm now....So that means I have to sit here on campus since I didn't feel like going back home then have to go to campus in the dark, since it's already dark outside, or call the women's transit....

Anyways...Why this guy I kinda liked, well I don't know about him now, came by my job today..And that negro popped up at my apartment on Friday night at like 11:40pm out of the blue and didn't call first....I was like "what do you want?" he was like "I was just in the neighborhood and was passing bye and wanted to say hi" I was like "ok, bye"...I don't know what type of party he thought this was, because I'm not one of those fast tail hoochie mama's, bust down, skeezas, chicken head, hoodrats he might normally try to talk to, I'm not ya average girl!......I haven't even talked to that negro for like almost 2 weeks and he had the nerve to just pop up...He didn't give me a call or nothing, and was the last to call him...So now I guess he sees I'm kinda losing interest in here, so now he popped up at my job today to say hi talking about "I was just going to my car through the building" I was like "but this in the 2nd floor, why you up here?" (I work on campus in the psychology department), he was like "I just wanted to say hi"....

but I don't know, I think he's playing games, because why like a 3 weeks ago, he calls me talking about "Is Tasha there?", I was like "the heck?" And he was like "my bad is Shawna (or some name I don't remember) there?" I was like "yea" acting like I was her, then I guess he caught on and was like "oh yea hey Toya, how you doing? How was the play?" (because I was the assistant stage manager for that play and that was the opening night), and I was like "fine"...We had some small talk, and I told him "well I'll let you go back to calling Tasha and Shawna"....I was mad at that, but he said he was looking at his old cell phone bill cuz he lost his cell to find people's number for a homework assignment...So I don't know, and I know he did lose his cell....But I told this guy I chat with on the internet that, he told me "he's letting you know what his other options are" I was like what? I don't know, maybe he was, but that's a bogus way to do it...But anyways, I thought he was cool, but now I don't know, but now it seems like he's popping up everywhere I'm at, just like he was at church this Saturday when we had a musical playing the guitar for the other choir....smh, *sighs*...First I didn't have a boyfriend or any guys trying to holla, now I do...

And the guy back home that I like, but I don't want to be with, I don't know about him...And I told him that I didn't, and I don't know, I probably hurt his feelings, but I hope I didn't..I told him that about a month ago...We're too far away from each other since he's back up in Chicago and I'm here for school....And I guess another reason could be his weight because he's a BIG BOY, but then again, I don't know, maybe I'm scared of commitment, because he seems to want to commit and I don't because since I've never had a boyfriend, I don't know, I just want to be able to date and not have anything serious right now....

LOL, me of all people, scared to commit....That's funny....Me the quiet shy girl who's been longing to have a boyfriend for the longest since like 6th or 7th grade, is scared to commit her self to someone who is just crazy about her....He's the first guy to actually be crazy about me, and I really appreciate him for that....And I've shared with him some things that I haven't shared with anyone else...But I just don't know...Well this weekend is his birthday...Happy 24th Birthday Richard, sorry I cant spend it with you....I know he'll probably wont read this anyways...oh well...

I think I need to get started on reading this play...I've been procrastinating for the last 2 and a half hours...Procrastination is my middle name...Hopefully I'll be able to change that soon....Peace ya'll! Hopefully this dude who's blog I visited the other day will tell me how to go about getting a hit counter like he got on his page so I can know if people are actually reading my page since no one seems to want to post...Anyways, peace out!

posted by Toya @ 6:44 PM 0 comments

Friday, October 15, 2004

pissed!




lets see...I'm halfway through the semester, and next week I have 1 midterm....There's been a lot of things going on here, but man, I was VERY pissed on this passed Wednesday...I'm having money problems that could possibly affect where I will be living at for next school year....It's a apartment that I could be moving into sometime next month, but I don't know, money is a problem....I cousin owes me about $600 from bills she didn't make payments on when we lived together from Aug. 2002 to Aug. 2003...

Now I've been more than patient with her, and have been giving her time to pay me back, but I need that money now.....

After bible study this past Wednesday, she told me she wont have it and I was like "Well it's been over a year, and you barely attempted to make payments to me, and this is going to affect me" she just basically said "I don't have it, I don't know what you want me to do, I have $7 in my account" which I pretty much took as meaning "Fuck you" ...I need this apartment because it goes by your income, and they do a credit check on you...Well since there's a lot of college students there, they just want to see that you're paying on stuff, which I don't have the money to because I've been concentrating on other things on my credit expecting her to give me the money from those other 2 bills which she didn't....

I am VERY pissed at her...I told her to ask her brother who's a pastor instead then since her mama and her husbands mama don't have the money...She said no...It's like she doesn't care...I don't care if she got too much pride and doesn't want to ask him, that shit is affect me, and it seems like she don't give a fuck...She's 28 years old, about to be 29, and I'm 22 going on 23....Why the hell is she NOT responsible with her money? She's quit 2 jobs when we were living together because she didn't like them or they wasn't paying money...But why the hell would you be dumb enough to quit if you know you need even that little bit of money? It makes no sense to me at all....

I was so pissed that I was about to get loud in the church...I wanted to cuss in the church, and that's bad if I was that mad that I was about to cuss in church....I'm mad and hurt that she doesn't care and wouldn't try her hardest to pay me back...She's saying she could start paying me now, but that's something she should've been doing back in August of 2003...I told her she didn't have to pay me the money up front, but just to give me $50 here and there...If she would've did that every month, or even $25 every month, it would've either have been paid in full or at least 60% paid in full...But she just pretty much said "fuck you Toya, I don't care if you get this apartment or not.....And I'm hurt...

And I just felt like I wanted to choke her and slap the shit out of her if I could....But I cant do that...I'm a Christian, and I have to be slow to anger.....But I sure am pissed!

Maybe I should've bugged her everyday and asked "Where's my money?" but I was trying to help her out, especially when she had her wedding in June, which is the wedding I'm talking about in the posting below, and I didn't ask her for any money then because I know she was struggling to put the wedding together.....But hopefully God will make a way that they wont even look at my credit and they will let me into the apartment anyways....

But I just had to vent and let this out anyways, again for the 3rd time, since I already vented to my friends Felicia and Paul, thanks guys for listening to me! Well I need to go do some more work and them get ready to go to choir rehearsal, so peace out! :)

posted by Toya @ 3:43 PM 0 comments