ARRRGGGHHH!
I guess I'm writing this evening so that I can vent. I am so frustrated and irritated right now. I feel like I'm going crazy a times and that my world is falling apart. I have so many issues that I'm dealing with, things that I thought that I would be over with by now, but I'm not.I wish I wasn't so jealous, I wish I wasn't so insecure, I wish i had a better self esteem and had more self confidence. I wish that i didn't have obsessive or compulsive behavior.
I am dating a great guy right now. We're been dating for about 4 months now and have been exclusive for the last 3 months. He's great, he writes me poetry, he talks to me, he doesn't judge me, he's sweet and caring, he comes out to see me when I'm feeling bad, even tho he lives so far away.
The bad thing is that he lives in Indiana, but right off of the Illinois boarder. It takes him a minute to drive over to here, but it's no different than if I was on the EL for about 40 minutes to an hour (which is the time it takes me to travel to work).
My problem is that I require so much attention! I don't want to be an attention whore, but I think I kinda am. Well ok, maybe I'm not an attention whore, because I really only want attention from him. It's like i always need him to reassure me that I'm pretty and that he wants me. What man wants a girl who's like that? Though he knows i have these issues and he assures me that he still wants to be with me to help me through them, I still have in my mind that he'll leave me.
Right now we're both struggling due to the economy and job market, money is tight. Last night I thought he'd come to see me, but he didn't earlier in the evening, so I told him not to even bother so late (he tried to at 10pm), because he had to be at work the next day at 6am, and I'd hate to be so happy to see him just for him to have to turn back around to leave. I was just frustrated because he could've probably seen me alot earlier, but he didn't. The same thing happened on Monday. So tonight I had class, and he was talking about coming to see me if he got the gas money. I told him cool. It was almost time for me to get out of class around 8pm and he was just now telling me that he couldn't get me. Now I hate to find stuff out at the last minute, especially if I'm thinking we're gonna hang. He text me back cuz I couldn't talk on the phone in class and said he won't make it. That's about 2 days in a row that I had my hopes up high thinking I'd see him, then my hopes were taken away.
I understand that he doesn't have the gas money and that things come up, but he doesn't understand that I need to see him for my sanity. I know I shouldn't be so dependant on someone like that, and I hate that I am. I'm mad at my self for being that way as well. I always said that I wouldn't be like this when it came to a man, that I wouldn't be clingy, or jealous, or acting crazy, but I feel like I am doing those things and I'm so upset with my self because of it.
This last week has been hard. I haven't seen him in a week and a day, not since he showed up and surprised me when I was hanging with my friend who was in town. He was invited to hang, but had to work, but he got out of work and showed up. I was happy because i thought i wouldn't be able to see him for almost 2 weeks. Now there's been times that we could've seen each other, even if just for a night, but I feel that those times haven't been taken advantage of, and it hurts me because I want to see him so bad.
I don't know if I'm falling for him, or if it's just lust, or if i just really like being around him, but I care about him alot. My life has been happier with him around. But when I've been so use to talking to him all day every day, and seeing him a couple of times a week, at least once a week, it sucks when that changes. I know his hours has changed at work, and that he's been starting work all of this week at 6am, so it's rough. He has to go to sleep, or he has his own life and things to do, but when something in his normal habit changes it makes me wonder....
That's another thing I need to stop....i need to stop thinking he's going to cheat on me. He hasn't really given me a reason to think that he would. It's probably just my own insecure self. I don't know if I should go with my first instinct so that I don't be made a fool of, or if he ISN'T doing nothing and it's just my own insecure tainted messed up self. I blame my ex boyfriend and the guy i talked to before him in college for playing me, and any of the guys i ever "talked" to that abandoned me. I have these baggage issues that i want to get rid of, but it is so hard. They messed me up, and i don't know how to let go.
I was re-reading some chapters in this book i bought to help me get over my ex "Don't Call That Man", and in it the author talks about abandonment issues. She said it could be from past relationships and from even your father abandoning you. My parents are divorced. Alot of times my mom struggled raising me and my brother. My dad wasn't there like he should've been, so hey maybe he's to blame as well as to why I am the way I am...
or maybe it's me...
I just know that i need to pray and meditate more. I need to learn to love my self because how can i even love someone when i don't even love my self? I want to be more confident....i want to be more girlie and feminine....that's another problem he has, that i don't dress as girlie as he would like. What he thinks would look nice on me. But that's just not me, and i told him that upfront, and how he met me is how he should take me. And he says that that is true and that he's wrong for trying to change me on that end, but then it comes up again. But i know that i need to dress prettier, girlier, sexier....because how else would i keep my man's attention? I mean i do want to dress like that, just really classy, girlie and pretty, but i lack the confidence i feel to pull it off *sighs*
I really need to work on my confidence....anyone got any tips? I don't want to depend on him for that. Though he wants me to know that he's there and that i can get my confidence from him, he tells me I'm beautiful, that I'm sexy, and have a great body, even when i don't feel like none of those things, but i want to be able to gain that confidence on my own...
and i sure hope i can see my man at least on this weekend, because if i gotta wait another week, i'ma go crazy! I wish i had a car to get out to him! i guess I'm just going to have to take the train to him....but since he didn't mention it and he never knows his work schedule off hand, then i don't feel like i should ask...he should tell me when he's off...which is another thing that irritates me...i feel like I'm always on top of the schedule and he isn't.
i really need to get my own life, and not wait by the phone for him to call. like right now i turned off the phone because i don't want to be looking at it, waiting for him to call or to get a text from him. plus i guess i secretly want him to know how it feels to wait on someone to return your call. he told me he was going to shower, and I'm like it don't take 40 minutes to shower....should i assume that he's cheating? or that he's giving me the run around? am i being boo boo the fool? or should i just trust him?
Trust is my other issue. My ex and the guy before him really messed me up on that. I want to trust my current boyfriend so much, but i always have these thoughts in my head because of the last 2 guys...and i know he's not those 2 guys and he didn't hurt me, but i can't help it. i need to learn to help it though.
plus it being hot as hell the last 2-3 days in the Chi ain't been helping either! i get mad and angry when I'm hot! plus I'm PMS'ing, well i was at the beginning of the week..and cramping...but yeah i know, those shouldn't be an excuse...maybe everything will be normal next week, if it's not so hot and i'm not pms'ing, lol.
I need to learn how to trust....i so want to trust him and not be paranoid or jealous or his female friends....that's the worse feeling to have...then i feel bad about being that way towards them, because they didn't do nothing to me, or i ain't met them yet, and it makes it seem like I'm nothing, just chopped liver...i need to have more confidence for my self! God i need help! please hear me God! help me!
I'm just blabbing now. I feel better that i vented out my feelings on here. I haven't done that in a while, not since my early days of blogging. oh well. anyone out there who prays, please pray for me that i can get better. I don't know what's wrong with me....i don't know if it's the social anxiety trying to creep back up, or if it's depression, or I'm hoping nothing else is wrong like me being bipolar or something. I wish i could afford counseling, because i would go....and i don't want to depend on medication. So for now i just gotta get support from people close to my, prayer, my bible, this blog to write on, reading self help books like this Joyce Meyers "Battlefield of the Mind" book, and God.
I don't know if anyone reads this anymore, please let me know if you do, because if you do, then maybe I'd start to write more. peace and take care everyone! :-)
look at me, calling him again, and he doesn't answer...great! i just left a voice mail saying "hello, it's 9:40, i thought you was gonna call me back...you still in the shower"?. *sighs* i should've not called him. oh well. we'll see how i get through this... :-(
