Friday, March 25, 2005

Good Friday

That you Jesus! What a price he paid! Someone who laid down his life for me. I can't wait for church on Sunday!

posted by Toya @ 10:46 AM 3 comments

Thursday, March 24, 2005

Nothing much today...

...i'm just in this computer lab trying to listen to this CD of songs we have to sing for Ressurection Sunday aka Easter this Sunday....i'm cool, not upset anymore, well i'm kinda mad at my self for getting upset over something silly, but i'll get over it.....anyways, we have to learn some songs that i havent listened to yet because i just got the CD last night after our quick rehearsal after bible study...after all of that, this lady from church, left her son asleep ont he pew...now we got done with bible study and was still there rehearsing for about 30 min after bible study and pretty much everyone else was gone but the choir and some of the ministers, and we hung around and talekd for an additional 30 minutes, because you know black folks dont know how to go home....this lady that's in the choir lil son told us as we were leaving out "The *****'s left **** asleep on the pew"....now, if he didnt notice him, since we didnt, we wouldve been gone and that lil boy wouldve been in the church all night...so my cousin's husband called their house and they wasnt there...id ont think hey gotta cell phone, but like 10 minutes later they came back to get them, the lady sent one of her son thats about 13 i believe to get him....this lady, she doesnt really keep her self together....or her kids....her young daughter is always watching the baby they got...and she's pregnant again...some folks were saying "i dont know why she pregnant again" but fromw hat i heard from someone else, her husband might have rapped her, because she didn want to have more kids...which is very sad..and he might be drinking again which he was supposed to be clean from...it's sad....i guess i just have to lift them up in prayer...she works, her husband works, and they have like 6 kids with a 7th on the way...the kids, from what other's say, smell like pee....now i said in a previous post a while back tha i use to pee int he bed...but i never smelled like pee, neither did my mama's house, cuz she'll whoop our butts if it did, if you pee int he bed you better get up, wash those sheets in the tub and your clothes.....and wash your bed down...i dont know... maybe she need's some parenting classes...now her children are well mannered, but her sister who has 3 kids have these 2 lil boys that cry and scream all during church service...they just fall out..they need their butts whooped...this lady from church said that she told the one lil boy "if you dont stop giving your mama a hard time i'm gonna whoop your lil butt, you understand?" and she was like he didnt make another sounds....sad...i dont understand how some people cant keep their kids in check....or teach their children about hygiene, i just dont understand it......it's very sad...i guess maybe it depends on how her mother raised her, or maybe she's just lazy...or maybe she just feels like she just cant keep the house clean...and her husband is a janitor and he's very clean! i thinkt he first 4 children she has isnt his...she's a very nice lady...i felt bad for her yesterday...i know she doesnt want to be pregnant...because when we were at our pastor's wife lunceon, and she was at our table, the way she made it seem was thats he didnt want to be pregnant and that her husband forced her for sex...it's sad, and he was probably drunk when he did it...i just have to lift her up in prayer, she's a very nice lady, a RN at that, so i just dont understand...i know those kids maybe wearing her down, and they probably cant aford them...she got her sister and her sister's kids staying with her i believe...it's just sad....

on another note, why in world did i get 2 crazy email's yesterday? my bestfriend emailed me a picture of a penis...so i was like "ok is this supposed to be some kind of joke? is it supposed to be funny because it's small? why did you send this to me? i see that **** sent it to you? why is he sending you this picture? is it a picture of his penis?" then i got a picture of a guy's chest with taco meat on it (ewwwww)...and i was like "WTF you sending me these pictures?" so when i finally got a hold of her she told me that it was **** that sent the pictures to her....now **** is this guy that she kinda tried to hook me up with like about 2 years ago....wow thatw as two years ago, yep it was too years ago...she told him that he should meet a friend of hers and that i was a sagittarius like he was....he's a year older than me and graduated from college 3 years ago and is now in grad school, he wasnt in grad school when we met but he was a college grad...she told him my bp page and he someone ot my yahoo ID...so he IM'ed me and we talked for a while, well pretty much everyday, and we decided to meet...which didnt go well, and we stopped talking to each other...he's not a Christian, and he's a Black Nationalist, so it wouldnt have worked....so i was like "why did he send them to you?" she said that she dared him to or something like that and he did, and she told him that she was gonna send the pics to me, and she said he was like "no dont send them to her, dont tell her it's me in the pics"....well i figured it was him just from seeing thats he forwarded them to me and it had his name on who originally sent them to her...slow....lol, i hope she didnt tell him what i wrote when i was like "is this picture supposed to be funny because the penis is small?" LOL....shame on me...God please forgive me...i'm off to choir rehearsal...

posted by Toya @ 4:57 PM 0 comments

Wednesday, March 23, 2005

I think I'm ok...

...but i'm not sure...i'm mad...mad at my self for reading too much into things....mad at my self for wanting to take things more serious than they should be...when i like someone, i end up liking them too much...but what is too much? i dont understand that...i mean i dont like them to a point that i'm going to stalk them...but i guess if they're in my thoughts all the time then that's too much...i dont understand that though....all of this talking and dating stuff is new to me....i'm 23, never had a boyfriend, i'm just now coming out of my shell...i've wanted a boyfriend for a very long time, but i have wanted to date too......i dont want to seem like a bug a boo or sound like one...i dont want to scare guys off by repeatedly asking them questions because i want them to re-assure me of some things that i dont know....i dont know if any of this makes sense so far...it probably doesnt...alot of times my thought are all jumbled...whats the difference between being just friends, the "talking" stage, dating, and being boyfriend and girlfriend? do friends kiss? if friens kiss is it a little more than just being friends? how long does it take to get to know someone? do you have to be around that person often in order to get to know them? does talking on the phone either everyday or almost everyday or on the internet count? does it take weeks or months or years? or does it depend on how much you open up to each other and be truthful to each other?

i know there's some things i need to work on with my self...my low self esteem, me not being sure of my self, my lack of patient, and that i can probably be mean sometimes and a little of a nag, which i dont mean to be....maybe i'm putting too much of my self into things when it comes to guys and not God....thats probably what i'm doing....still working on being a better Christian, but i'm not working hard enough, especially when it's hard for me to crack open my Bible, if not at all.....guys are so strange...so confusing...i just dont understand...so i ask questions, i sound naieve, but i havent experienced much....then, why after months and month would a guy not really let you kjnow if he was interested in you, and then now all of a sudden he wants to make you his girl when that probably something that couldve been done months ago, but he lost out, waited too late...and not just cuz of that, but because of silly things he did...and when i tellh im i'm talking to someone (James), he's like "Well why didnt you tell me that?" well why didnt that sucka tell me about his on and off girlfriend....and with James, which is who i was sort of talking about above...when i think we're a little more than friends, then i find out that's all we are then it kinda hurts...because i guess i'm looking at his actions and little things he do, but he's not feeling the same...maybe i'm silly for liking him too soon, and yes we have time to get to know one another, but when things are said and done, that confuses things and makes me think that things are more than they seem...i start reading too uch into it when i shouldnt...i have a big problem with doing that...over analyzing things and driving my self crazy...is that something that females just do or do males do the same things? do friends kiss? i know if i get all confused over kissing then it's a good thing that i dont have sex because if i did i would be all messed up!

thank GOD that i am still a virgin...so friends shouldnt kiss friends, though lawd i truly did enjoy it, it just shouldnt be done, i guess unless you dont get too attached...glad i dont have sex, i would be messed up, especially with casual sex...i dont know, maybe i'm reading too much into it...i'm tempted to go home for the whole summer just so i can get a chance to spend time with "James" since i dont need to take any summer classes...but i've probably already scared him away by talking to him yesterday...i was hurt and upset, and for what? cuz i'm sensitive, and i catch feelings, when i probably shouldnt, but i can't help it...now i'm scared i probably scared him away, and even with thinking that, i probably didnt, but will if i keep on asking him a million questions because i'm not sure of my self and i get him all irritated because i keep asking him the same thing over and over...i asked him if he'd get mad if i go out on dates with someone else...because this guy, "yellow man" said he was gonna make me his girlfriend...maybe i was dumb for asking James what he thought about that, but i dont know allt he rules of dating and males and females interacting with one another if they like each other...i feel that alot of times these are things i shouldve learned years ago like when i was 13, 14 or 15, like when i shouldve had my first boyfriend like 10 years ago....but he told me that i didnt have to ask for his permission...i mean i wasnt, but i just wanted to know what he felt about that because i really care about him, but he was getting upset with me cuz i've asked him similar questions before...i dont know, i just need to stop, chill out, and take a step back...then i guess he thought i got upset cuz he said that, i got upset because he was likeiw as taking the two of us too seriously and we're just friends....

i didnt want to ask him anything about that because i didnt want him to get irritate or be like "you know what this girl is just too much, and i dont think i can deal with her always asking this, this isnt gonna work out" and i'm scared of that...i mean last week we had fun we hung out, went out to eat, talked, kissed, whatever, i met his friends, i mean lil things like that, especially with kissing and me meeting his friends, and he ironed my clothes for me, who does that for people? Does actions speak louder than words? of course not all of the time, but it makes me think that it's more than just friends, but i guess not...i dont know...then i mean he say he doesnt want me to just focus on him and get so wrapped up in him when there could be something better for me out there, so he wants me to go and date, and he wouldnt even probably admit if he'd be upset if i did, but i do care because i like him and i'm not really interested in anyone else now, but for now, he is what i want to focus on, i dont want to pay attention to any other guys...i mean of course i see guys on campus that i think are fine, but they dont be all on my mind like "James" does...i hope he isnt upset with me or when and if he reads this cuz he reads my blog sometimes, and i'm scared of even losing him as a friend because he's probably fed up with me, but even with that, i'm probably putting way more into it than i should, and if i keep this up then maybe i would...so no more asking him anything of this nature, nothing like this...i just need to chill out and not take things too serious...i dont need to be re-assured of things everytime i start to feel like something is wrong i guess...i just need to suck it up and stop being so sensitive...i dont understand why for the last few years i've been so sensitive...before i would never cry in front of anyone, i would always put up this wall and try to act like nothing bothered me, but things do...and the low self esteem doesnt help either......but i just needed to get this out because i needed to vent...woosaa! i'm cool now! i was actually cool last night after i talked to him, but i just wanted to write this out...this probably didnt make a lick of sense, and maybe too personal, but that's what i originally used this blog for...for me to vent...

my friend said, i was talking to her, she tried to warn me, but i take advice from people just ot hear what they have to say because i dont want them to be the ones to make the decisions, but i do hate making decisions....see thats another reason why i dont really want to be dating 3208409328 guys at the same time, because what if i like him, him and him, and then have to make a decision...lawd i hate making decisions....she told me that "maybe 'James' isnt taking this as serious as you and that he's not ready yet, even if he does like you. Give this "yellow man" (who i think is my text message stalker though he denies it) guy a chance...just dont put your attention on one guy, have your options"...which is something she's told me plenty of times before...but i didnt want to listen to her...so after i called "James' then that happened, i was like oh ok dang she was right, and i was upset....and then i talekd to her and told her she was, and she was like "See i just told you that because i do the same thing and dont want your feeligns to get hurt. I end up liking a guy and he likes me but he's not liking me the same way that i like him"...so pretty much the same thing...which is why i asked is that something that females just do, or maybe it's both males and females and just depends on the type of person you are......who knows....this post is so jumbled and boring, and makes no sense, but i just needed to type this up...dont be made "James" if you see this, i just needed to vent! now i'm cool, and i understand, i think, well heck i'll figure it out...dang i need to be more sure of my self than i am....

anyways, on a lighter note....it's time to go to bible study and we have a quick choir rehearsal afterwards...i hope it is really quick, and not 1 hour long because we got choir rehearsal tomorrow too instead of friday....next Tuesday my bestfriend is coming down to school to visit me, after about 5 years of me being here.......and then on friday april 1st, i'm going to a wedding in STL....i get to see my family and all, so that's cool,,,,i'm getting high speed internet this weekend...yea! i got a good promotional deal witht he cable company here...channels 2-78, all of the Starz channels and high speed internet for $59 a month, which is good for 12 months...so for 12 months i will be paying that amount...for an additional $6 i get all of the HBO channels. for 6 months....after the 12 months, each pack is $39 a month for another 2 years i believe, which isnt bad, because regular price is $45 for each the cable and net......and this deal is only for new customers or people who havent had their cable service for 6 months or more......i'm finally able to get cable because i got into this apartment i've been talking about and i'm living rent free...also i finally paid my cable bill off in Jan. from whem me and my cousin was living together....i still gotta put this futon up that i bought...i need to get a couple of lamps too...i'm not staying on campus all day like i use to because i guess i'm not depressed about being in such a small room like i was, which was smaller than a studio...but now i'm actually in a one bedroom...which is alot mroe space...i just need to put some pictures up, and decorate, and i'll be happy, get some furniture and make it feel like home....so i'm pretty happy with that, and glad that God blessed me with that apartment.........anyways, this girl from class just reminded me of the 2 pages of dialogue we gotta type for our playwriting class, so i need to hop on that and make it to Bible Study by 7pm...it's 5:28pm now, and prayer starts at 6...i guess i'll miss prayer...i invited 2 guys i got class with to church...which they already joined the church, but they havent been in a while,,,one of the guy's promised me he'd be there...i told him if he's not i'ma knock him upside the head with my umbrella...lol, i know that's not a way to win souls...i hope he know's i was joking...i'll post later...

posted by Toya @ 3:53 PM 1 comments

Monday, March 21, 2005

My school lost!/Spring break is over

First off i know ya'll probably like "Why the hell do this girl have her eye up for her picture?" i dont know, just because i felt like it....cant ya'll see the bags under my eye? i'm always tired....

i'm so sad! :-( Why can't they keep up a lead! dang it! i'm glad i didnt bet on the game....see it wouldve been tight if my school and the illini couldve played each other...but they one the first game against st mary's and lost the 2nd round to oklahoma st....oh well, maybe next year...but this was #1's last game, since he's a senior...maybe he'll go to the NBA...look for him int he draft, D. Brooks...lawd he fine!



anyways, i'm back at school....spring break is over...i had alot of fun...got to spend time with my mama,b ut not as much as i wanted to, i went to class with her....went to my home church, got to see my grandparents...got to hang with my friend from high school, and got to hang with "James", met some of his friends, they were pretty cool, so i had a great time...i got to eat all my favorite foods, and my grandma made me her butter cookies! :-) i got my popeyes, garretts popcorn, whitecastle, giordanos pizza, and some cheesecake from the cheesecake factory...i wish the break was LONGER, but i guess the earlier i get back to school, the faster the semester will be over...2 more months....my best friend is coming down to visit me next week, this si the first time she's come to visitn in my 5 years here...well i guess since her mom kicked her step father out (who was controlling) a few weeks ago, she can now finally come....so she's going to come,a ndon April 1st i'm going to STL to one of my 2nd cousin's wedding....i was supposed to go to the Alicia Keys and John Legend concert with "James", b ut that didnt work out, and he told me to go and see my family.....but these are people i havent seen in a long time that dont really talk to my family anymore...so some of us was surprised they invited us...that's going to be a busy weekend in STL since the Final 4 is going to be there.....anyways i need to go to the store to pick up some things...read this play...and finish unpacking some more stuff...i'll post later...

posted by Toya @ 3:59 PM 1 comments

Saturday, March 19, 2005

Go Salukis!



(that is SUCH a ugly logo....they use to have a better looking one until they changed it to this one 2-3 years ago...and paid so much money for it when it looked like a 5th grader did it...)


I have NOTHING to write about! I'm still at home on Spring break...having a pretty good time, pretty busy, which is a first, cuz i'm never really busy during any of my breaks...well my school, (Southern Illinois, #7) did make it to the tourney, and they did win yesterday afternoon against St. Mary's (#10)...they play Oklahoma St. on sunday.....i told my grandpa that they are going to win and will m,ake it to the Elite 8 and play against #1 Illinois...he just laughed at me...but oh yes, my school will make it that far (hopefully, if they can finish out the games, keep leads, and play liek they want to win)...that would be SO AWSOME if they did though! Old players playing against their old coach Bruce Webber, who left them 2 years ago to go to Illinois! It'll be the northern part of IL against the southern part of IL....kinda like the westside vs southside people in Chicago...but anyways, yea, GO Salukis! i missed the whole game except for the first minute of it (which made me sad because i wanted to see #1 D. Brooks play, lawd he fine!) because i went somewhere with my mama thinking that i would get back in enough time to watch the rest of the game, but didnt, because it was rush hour in Chicago, so i was lucky enough to find the sports radio stationt hatw as playing the game, tho they kept leaving my school's game ot talk about another one...i wont be able to watch Sunday's game since i'll be on the road to go back to school then, unless it comes on late and this guy i got a ride with leave's early enough....i need some sleep, i gotta finish helping my mama braid this little girl's hair in a few hours, then try to go to the movies with her to see "Diary of a Mad Black Woman" then hang with "James" later on in the evening...it's 1:07 am now...i guess i can get about 6 hours of sleep...watch my school! root for them! that So. Illinois and Illinois game has GOT to happen! That's if Illinois make it that far too...Go Salukis! Maroon and White!

http://sports.yahoo.com/ncaab/recap?gid=200503180528

http://www.siuc.edu/aboutsiuc/saluki.html

sa·lu·ki Pronunciation Key (sa-loo-key)
n. pl. sa·lu·kis
Any of an ancient breed of tall slender dog developed in Arabia and Egypt and having a smooth, silky, variously colored coat.



This is how our mascot look:

posted by Toya @ 12:55 AM 0 comments

Sunday, March 13, 2005

I thought this was funny....

posted by Toya @ 1:48 AM 1 comments

Saturday, March 12, 2005

This is what i typed on Thursday, 2 days ago....

i am in Chicago now, i i typed what's below on Thursdays...thanks to Blogger.com acting up, it didnt go through, and what i originally typed up, which was a book, didnt go through either...the title of the bellow was called "Ef bloger.com" i actually had the "F" word, cuz i was pissed, but i decided not to type it again....

Ef Blogger.com!

The hell? i just typed up a WHOLE BOOK and that mess did NOT go through when i went to publish it! Oh well and i'm not typing that mess up again either. to sum it all up, i had alot of stuff going on at church last week. Alot of us at church know's that one of our musicians is cheating onh is wife, but no one has told the pastor, should we? I'm moving today. I got into that apartmenr that goes by ya income finally (RENT FREE YEA!), and i think i bombed my mid-term yesterday. I'm going home tomorrow for Spring break and get to spend time with "James". I'll go to class with my Mommy, and see my best friend, and my grandparents, and maybe my father. Spend some time with my brother, and maybe some cousins. I got cramps and aunt flow seems to always come when i'm about to go out of town. Yea at Illinois losing, but boooo@my Salukis losing! Hopefully they'll get a #7 or 8 seeding. I've had a crush, well use to, on #1, D. Brooks, since both of our first years down here, before he was on the b-ball team, but then i figured he has alot of groupies since he's on the b-ball team and in a frat. I still think he's fine. Ok that sums up all that i talked about, but not that much detail. LOL, if i could do that in this much, then that lets me know i talk too much, Anyways, have a good week! Go Salukis! Maroon and white!

posted by Toya @ 11:26 AM 1 comments

Monday, March 07, 2005

Stank Breath

ok, now i know i've wrote about this before in a previous post, but i have to again. Lord please forgive me for talking about this man, but i have to get this off my chest! I'm in the choir at church and there is this older gentleman in the choir. Now a about a month ago when we had a revival at my church i ended up standing next time him when we had to sing. Now i know at one point in time, some of us (if not all) breath might get a little tart at times. Maybe you just had a taco or a double cheese burger or something. Maybe you had some Subway or Quizino's. However, for your breath to smell like straight up SHIT, yes i said it (and excuse me because i dont curse), SHIT, it was utterly ridiculous! His breath smelled like shit, doo doo, boo boo, dookie, mess, BM, however you want to say it! It smelled like something died.

Ok so for two nights i had to stand next to this man right. I could not breath, because it hurt to breath! I felt like i had to throw up! The only other time i smelled someone's breath that stank that bad was when i was in lecture for one of my classes and this boy smelled like hot throw-up and garbage a few years ago. I thought that was gross, but this was worse. Man i felt like i was going to pass out while singing. After we left the choir stand, i had to sit next to him. I mean at first i was thinking it was possible the girl sitting next to me, but i was like "i hope no female breath smell like that", but it wasnt, it was him. EVEN when he wasnt saying anything, saying no "amens" or "preach preacher", i could still smell his breath. So after that, maybe the Sunday after or a week or so after on a Sunday, i ended up sitting next to him again. I was like "dang man! why???" I swear his breath was so nasty that i couldnt concentrate on the Word being preached. I was praying that church would be over quickly. After that i told my cousin, who use to be the minister of music but is now the choir's president, i told her "look either you have to talk to him or have the minister of music to either talk to him or adress personal hygiene while singing in the choir. I couldnt pay attention in church today because of his breath!" She just laughed and was like "i know".

So ever since then i refuse to sit on the first row when we sing, or i either make sure i'm at the end and not next to the Tenors. LOL. After that, i was sitting on the second row a couple of weeks ago and this girl in the choir was sitting next to him, i felt sorry for her and wished that i told her about his breath. She found out the hard way. Me and my cousin was sitting one the second row, and she asked me "why you not sitting down there?" and we just both cracked up laughing. I thought i was safe, but i wasnt. I still smelled something, but i was kinda like right behind this guy on the left. My cousin was sitting directly behind him, and there was one seat between me and her. I seen her face scrunch up, and she asked the girl sitting next to him 'is that his breath?" and she looked at her like "yea" (i think he left the choir stand to put his camera up or something). After church they were talking about it, and i was laughing. The girl was like "Toya i thought we was cool! Why you didnt put me in the loop? He breath is horrible!" i was like 'Sorry, but i didnt wanna be telling everyone and it get back that i said something about it" So she had to find out the hard way like i did.

I talked to my friend that use to be down here for school and use to sing in the choir but left last year to live in Chicago and i told him about this man's breath. He already knew because he use to sing in the Tenor section with him. He was like "******'s breath smells so bad that it makes you sick to your stomach. It makes you want to throw up!". We both laughed.

Now i dont understand why you would talkt o people if your breath isnt smelling so fresh. If your breath is tart, you can taste it! Anytime i feel that my breath isnt fresh, i refuse to talk to people, or sometimes i unconsciously put my hand over my mouth. Maybe i'm sometimes obsessed with my breath, and i guess i get that from my mama. Don't get me wrong, i dont have the best mouth, my teeth are terribly crooked at the bottom, but i do plan on getting braces by the end of the year, at least so they can be off before i get married (hopefully soon), but i refuse to talk to someone and be in their face if my breath is tart. I start to carry mouth wash around with me now. I still forgot to get that tongue scrapper, but i'ma get it the next time i go to Wal-Mart. My breath may get tart sometimes, ex. after i eat lunch, anything with onions or peppers on it, or when i wake up, or towards the end of the day. My cousin was like "Toya i've never smelled your breath, cuz you're obsessed with it' Yea i am, and like i said i get that from my mama. See my mama use to smoke, and she hated any cigarett smell on her breath. So she would brush her teeth for like 15 minutes, seriously, i'm not playing, and she'd drink 64 ounces or more of water. She brushes her teeth like 2-3 times a day, and floss all day (now i'd admit i need to floss but it hurts sometiems cuz my teeth are crooked). I dont know, i guess i'll end this here. But PLEASE iof you feel that your breath isnt fresh, PLEASE dont talkt o folks until you go brush your teeth again. Brush your tongue! NOT just your teeth! Brush the roof of your mouth too! As for this man at church, as my friend that's up in Chicago now said, "It's something more than his breath, it's probably some boo boo. Some people need to get cleaned out and they have boo boo all the way up piled in them to their chest" (he's trying to go to med school, well he said it somewhere along those lines, probably better than that though). Maybe he needs to get a colon cleanse. Maybe he's full of crap like NapKaboom had on her blog...who knows. Just PLEASE dont be like him and make someone else sick to the stomach.

posted by Toya @ 7:27 PM 4 comments

Tuesday, March 01, 2005

Warning, this post has TOO MUCH INFORMATION

OK...., now that you've read the title, you might not want to read this, especially if you're a guy....but heck i have nothing else to write about...this is a little TOO personal, but oh well...



Ok, why must women get pap smears? That is the MOST uncomfortable thing ever! Especially for me since i'm still a virgin. Why isnt there something similar for guys (well maybe there is and i just don't know about it.) Why in the world did someone think to use that horn thing, or whatever it's called, and put it inside the vagina (i don't like that word), ok, let me use "pocket book" instead (something i've heard a few people refer to it as). Why would "forsake" (as my cousin said her mom says, her mom is my grandma's twin sister, and she's old, and country), someone to stick that thing in there and stretch open the "pocket book"??? That thing is COLD and it's uncomfortable! Why did someone say "hey i think i'm going to take this instrument and use it to stretch open a "pocket book" and look up inside it"...What the hell? And use a flash light to look up it. That's uncomfortable!

Like ok, when and how did the first pap smear go? Could you imagine that?

Doctor: Yes miss, i want you to lay down, spread your legs and put your feet on these foot rest.
Lady: Ok, now what.
Doctor: Now just relaxer while i stick this tool in you to open you up to check up there.
Lady What the hell?

Just crazy. I know ya'll are probably like "WTF is this girl writing about?". But i had nothing else to write about, and that's what happened today. I went to get a pap smear, which i was long overdue for one, about 4 months overdue. Even though i'm not having sex, i still want to check for any fibroid tumors, or cervical cancer, especially since my grandma and mom had to get hysterectomy's (sp). The fist time i finally got one was like 3 years ago, back in the fall of 2002. The doctor couldnt complete it because they didnt have small enough tools to use on me. The second time, which was Nov. of 2003, they still didnt have small enough tools, but i told them to just go ahead and do it because i wanted to make sure that my womanly organs were functioning right. Everything was fine the. So today was the third time, and it was SO uncomfortable and it hurt! It hurt the last time too! And this time she used the wrong tool at first! I'm like "Is this lady trying to kill me?" So she had to go and get another one. Either way it still hurt. It seems like in order for it to not hurt, i might as well go out and have sex (which i wont).

Seeing how that feel makes me scared about when i'll have sex for the first time. I know it wont feel like that, but i know it'll probably hurt. I've had several ladies tell me that it hurt their first time, some have told my their first 2-4 times. I thought that was supposed to be something you enjoy! I guess it's a good type of pain. This guy told me that he had sex with a virgin, and it took him a hour just to get in, and that made his penis hurt. I don't know if he was probably over exagerating with that, probably was. I know my husband is going to have to be patient with me because i'll probably keep saying "Stop, that hurts, stop" I don't know, we'll see, and don't worry i won't post about that experience when it comes if i'm still blogging then, because that's just TOO personal.

posted by Toya @ 2:38 PM 8 comments