THINGS I'M GETTING OFF MY CHEST & OTHER THINGS...

wtf?

did that pic do to my blog?

posted by Toya @ 9:26 PM 1 comments

Go Bulls!

Read the below post first please, thanks! :-)

Yes the Bulls are a 500 team now! Yep that's right! To all the people that talked about my Bulls, screw you! Of course they wont make it to the finals for a while, but i knew that they'd make it to the playoffs! If they keep this up for the rest of the season they can probably move as high as a #5 seed! they're a #7 seed as of today! Now i haven't been watching the NBA this season because i don't have cable and i'm not in Chicago, and if you're dow here without cable, you can't get any TV stations in clear, so i only get to watch TV when i go home to Chicago. Anyway, Go Bulls! :


Friday, January 28, 2005

Bulls finally figure out patience trumps panic

Associated Press

CHICAGO -- Keep in mind that coach Scott Skiles gets paid a lot to make sure the glass always looks half-full. Anybody else who says they saw the Chicago Bulls in the playoff hunt midway through this season is either lying or had better have a doctor's note explaining they've been in a coma.

The reason has little to do with the speed of the Bulls' turnaround or the lack of precedent. The NBA's mantra, after all, is "everybody makes a run," and just last season, the Miami Heat stumbled 0-7 leaving the gate and still managed to close a respectable 42-40 and make the playoffs.

So why not the Bulls?

Before we tackle that question, a word from Skiles.

"That 0-9 start was probably the scariest thing we'd had to endure this season," Skiles said after practice the other day. "But even then, we never saw ourselves being any 0-9 team. At least it didn't feel that way. So that gave us a mental head start in turning things around. We always had confidence that we are a good team.

"With Thursday night's visit by the Charlotte Bobcats marking the official midpoint of the season, the Bulls suddenly look like a very good team. They beat the Bobcats 101-93 and have won five straight, 12 of 13, and 18 of the last 22. Even in a weak Eastern Conference and a league filled with surprises, that has to be the most surprising development of all.

Skiles, of course, had a perfectly reasonable explanation.

"We went from virtually last in the league to first in one major defensive statistic," he said, referring to his team's ability to hold opponents to a league-low 41 percent field-goal shooting percentage. But playing great defense is a symptom and not the cause of the Bulls' success.

Credit for that belongs mostly to Skiles and general manager John Paxson, who as recently as six weeks ago had no reason to believe that their commitment and tough love were about to be rewarded.

Franchises reach tipping points all the time, and at that moment, this future of Chicago's looked a lot more like the Clippers than one just a half-dozen years removed from the salad days of Michael Jordan. What the Bulls had in common with the Clippers was a handful of losing seasons, a team loaded with underachieving draft picks and disgruntled veterans who viewed Chicago as a rest stop on the way to somewhere else.

Paxson turned out to be shrewder than his predecessor Jerry Krause. He found better players in the draft and patiently pruned the roster instead of cutting down the tree and starting over one more time. Then he quit meddling and let the hard-nosed Skiles do the rest.

Even so, as recently as December, the Bulls were flopping and offers were coming in for Eddy Curry and Tyson Chandler, the high school phenoms whose arrested development was the legacy of the last administration. Paxson surrounded them with a better mix of veterans and four rookies that turned out to be much better than advertised. And while some of Skiles' tenacity and stubbornness had clearly rubbed off on the young Bulls and even the old ones, on paper nothing looked different.

Coaches like to say that losing affords better teaching opportunities than winning, but the Bulls had lost so much that the opposite turned out to be true. Three of the rookies who came to Chicago -- Duke's Luol Deng and Chris Duhon and Connecticut's Ben Gordon -- came directly from winning programs and floor leader Kirk Hinrich is just two seasons removed from Kansas. Confidence is a fragile commodity everywhere in sports, but at those places, patience always trumps panic.

In Skiles, they found a coach willing to risk his own neck to buy them the time to work it out. And each, in turn, stepped up every night as a kind of payback. Those lessons have been reinforcing themselves ever since.

"In this stretch, we're just finding ways to win," Hinrich marveled. "Last year, we were finding ways to lose."

Don't get the wrong idea: The Bulls may look, and play, like one big happy family, but winning hasn't made Skiles go soft. He never passes up the opportunity to jam in one more punishing practice, to remind this crew that a few points either way could trigger a slide down the standings and back into that all-too-familiar rut. He just doesn't do it as often.

A few minutes after another of those grueling practices ended last Friday, at a time when his players used to head back to the locker room, the court was still nearly full. Two days earlier, the Bulls' seven-game winning streak had been snapped in Boston, and the quiet bus ride on the way to the airport spoke volumes to Skiles.

"What was interesting to me was you could hear a pin drop in the bus. 'It was very quiet. You win seven in a row, you drop one, there could be a little, 'No big deal.'

"It is," Skiles said to everyone still within earshot, "a big deal."

------

Jim Litke is a national sports columnist for The Associated Press. Write to him at jlitke@ap.org

This story is from ESPN.com's automated news wire. Wire index

http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/wire?section=nba&id=1977850

Go Bulls! :-)

posted by Toya @ 8:47 PM 1 comments

Deer's, Black men, N*ggas and Bill Cosby

I dont have anything to write about.......well except for i almost died last night! I was leaving my cousin's house last night, this guy from church was dropping me back home (cuz a few of us was watching Tyler Perry's "Meet the Browns" at her house) and we almost ran dead into a deer! The deer didnt move a inch and just stood there. We had to be like 6-12 inches from it and i was praying or hoping because i really dont remember that the car would stop. I couldnt get any words out. We were just that close. I wanted to shout "Thank you God! Thank you Jesus! but didnt, i was saying it to my self. I surely did go home and shout for a minute. The deer walked away as soon as the car stopped and i looked over to the right and there were like 6 other deer in the grass. Dang i hate Carbondale! Also i wore the suit my mama bought me for Christmas yesterday at church. i call it my grown lady suit because i feel like it's too grown for me. Thats just because i'm not use to wearing suits, but i got SO many compliments yesterday, i was blushing and cheesing like a dummy. lol, but it felt good to get those compliments. So i did look good yesterday, good looking out mama. :-) Anyways, well i guess i did have something to write about, but this is what i wanted to post. This was in our school paper today, tell me what ya'll think:


Where's Bill Cosby when you need him?

Damion Campbell
Guest column

I am amazed at some of the things I see around campus, in the community and in society in general. Young black males disrespect black females, black females disrespect themselves and ignorance abounds. Where's Bill Cosby when you need him? For every thousand voices loudly declaiming the wrongs done to our community, one should exist to explain what we should do to better ourselves.

Some of the language on this campus is astounding. It amazes me to hear people calling each other nigger, nigga or whatever variation they choose to use. Do they seriously believe that the constant use of this word is weakening the meaning? Does this make it acceptable for whites to use it? We seem to have given a green light to Puerto Ricans with Fat Joe saying it every chance he gets on a record. What if whites walked around every day saying "How's it going, cracker?" What about Hispanics? I have never heard them address each other as "spic." I don't think Jesus would approve, and he didn't refer to other Jews as "Kikes."

I was walking across campus behind two black males who were smoking marijuana. Their conversation consisted of deciding to skip class and go back to the dorm to smoke. Maybe some desire to fail.

We should all understand that we are truly blessed to be able to study here or at any institution of higher learning; we are blessed to have the ability to earn a degree and increase our marketability. For some this is not enough, and they must bring the "hood" with them. For these people it is my sincere hope that the hood will give them a legal and lucrative job after they fail out of the university.

The idea that we play a role in holding ourselves back is gaining acceptance. In my view white America doesn't need to hold us back - why bother killing someone who is committing suicide? We need more scholars, doctors, politicians and artists. We need fewer hustlers, pimps, players and thugs. We idolize gun-toting rappers who claim they steal, kill and sell crack, then claim it was all an act when they go to trial. So we're idolizing liars?

Pull up your pants, put down the drugs, open a book and learn something. When you do go home and decide to help your community, get paid to do it.

A lot of people will read this and say, "He ain't no real nigga." You are correct. I am not a "nigga" at all - I am a young, black American male with a future who wants to go back to East St. Louis and ensure my community has a future. The biggest threat to black men in the United States is not AIDS, drugs, the LAPD or the white power structure - it's black men.

Many won't see my attempt to uplift and will only criticize what I say, but I pray for you. I am only opening my mouth because Bill Cosby's not here.

These views do not necessarily reflect those of the Daily Egyptian.

http://newshound.de.siu.edu/voices05/stories/storyReader$48

I thought that he had a good point, and i agree with him I also didnt find anything wrong with what Bill Cosby had to say either. It needed to be said. Especially with Fat Joe saying "nigga" i HATE that word. I really dont use it my self but i catch my self saying it because other people always use it, so i have to remind my self not to use it. Was i the only one mad at J-Ho, i mean J-Lo using that word in the song "I'm Real" with Ja-Rule? She said she only used it because he wrote the words, but why would she use it anyways? Why would he write that song and let her use it. Why the lil hispanic boy in "Coach Carter" use that word a few times? I know folks like to say "Well Puerto Ricans are pretty much black too" The heck they aint! I know they have it in their blood, but they aren't African Americans. That words was use to put down African Americans. I have a problem with Fat Joe and Jennifer Lopez using that word in their songs. I also have a problem with black folks using it. I know it maybe hard at first trying to stop, but at least try! I really do hate that word. I guess i'd be wrong for walking up to a hispanic person and call them a "spic" wouldnt i? I guess it depends on where you're from. I remember this girl i use to talk with in a music chatroom on AOl and me, her, and a few other folks got into a discussion about the word nigga. They would always get mad at me because they would call me a black nationalist, which i am not, and they would say that i was always blowing things out of proportion. She was Samoan, hispanic, and black, or something. She didnt look "Black" Anyways, she said that she uses the word nigga all the time. Also some Puerto Rican folks,t his guy and girl said they used it alot too. They were all from either NYC or somewhere ont he east coast like Philly. I was like OMG! I grew up around hispanic folks and they never used the word nigga. I guess because folks are all mixed up in NYC and all live together, they feel that it's ok to use to word if they're not black and the black folks feel that it's ok for their non-black friends to use that word. I got a problem with that. What happens when one of those non-black people come to some place, let's say, Chicago, and use that word around some black folks? What's gonna happen then? They will get their A** kicked! Thats why i have a problem with black folks using "Nigga" all the time because alot of these other groups are starting to feel like it's ok to use it. A joke can be funny without using "Nigga" and lyric in a rap can sound ok without using "nigga", but people think that they cant. I dont know. Am i making sense? Probably not. I need to put my thought together better before i write something so that i dont sound ignorant, but sometimes i dont do that. Oh well. This isnt a term paper. I got's to go buy this book before the bookstore close and make copies of it before it get too late and hand it back to the bookstore tomorrow before the deadline to get a full refund, lol, hey, i'm broke, i gotta do what i gotta do, even if it means standing up copying a book for 2 hours, lol.....have a blessed night!

posted by Toya @ 5:08 PM 3 comments

Air

That's what i feel like i'm floating on. I dont know why or cant explain why i'm feeling this way but i am. I really like this guy. I sound boy crazy, so let me talk about something else.

I wrote a FUNNY ass play this morning. It only took me a hour, and i was late for class because i didnt do it last night (don't beat me up) but i got it done. It was supposed to be 10 minutes, but it was 7 minutes. We had to pick a story fromt he news and make a play out of it so i decided to pick the story about the woman and the big ol' 16.7lb baby she had. My teacher and the people int he class liked it. He said i had a "wicked sense of humor" and asked if i could do more plays like that through out the semester. I told him that i dont know, because i think it's hard to write comedies. You gotta have comic timing, which i'm not sure if i have or not, but they thought it was great. Just imagine a husband and wife having a baby that's really a really short mane or a dwarf that comes out fully clothe. LOL. So that's what happened in the play, and that's all i'ma share until i get it copyrighted.

Also i seen the guy in charge of production today in the hallway in the Comm Building (Communications building on my campus). He's real cool and i've been trying to work int he TV station there on campus but last semester was very hectic. He said they needed a camera person for their sports view after i asked him if there was anything going on. He asked if i could do that at 5pm today and i said sure. Hopefully i'm not that rusty ont he camera and i'll have to get familiar with it again because i havent worked one since April of 2004. This should be fun. I also got the job of being Light Board Operator for the last show of the semester. It's for my practicum class. The play is called "Dancing at Laughnasa", i forgot the playwrite. That should be fun because that's something i've been wanting to do for a while. If i know how to work the light board and program the computer with the lighting cues, i can do that in television and at concerts. That's something i could think about doing for a job after i graduate while i'm writing plays on the side. I dont know yet, or there's still Grad school, which i've been avoiding.

Also with the dumb mistake i made. I asked my teacher if he got my email (i mightve already wrote about this) but he said he did and he still wats me to retake the class. I cant believe i did what i did. There must be a reason i did and maybe this will be for the best. So thats the only class i have to take in the fall, so i'll fill up my schedule with classes like "Under Water Basket Weaving" or something like that. I think i'll take a piano class and a tap dancing class. I'm taking a Voice class now that i dont need, i just picked it up to put me at full time. So i can still walk in May, but i wont recieve my degree until December. My name wont be int he May Graduation program either., it'll be in the December one. So i'll have to go to the Dec. graduationt o steal a few programs. I know it may seem silly to walk in may when i wont be done until Dec. but that was my plan to walk in May. Also who wants to travel in the winter time and drive on ice in Decemeber. So May graduation it is.

I gotta run to class. Ya'll have a blessed day!

posted by Toya @ 1:03 PM 3 comments

Blank

i dont know what to write about, so i'm going to copy/past this story from www.yahoo.com, lol.....but before i do that, Rest In Peace Lamont Bentley, who died last Tuesday in a car crash. It seems that we're losing alot of young black celebrities these days. So young, he was only 31, and had 2 daughters. Lamont played Hakeem on "Moesha" you some of you would know. *sighs* It's sad, first Left Eye, then Aaliyah, then Merlin Santana (Romeo from "Steve Harvey"), now him. Rest in Peace "Keemy".



Here's the Yahoo story, it's long i know, but it's crazy!...This dude is crazy as heck! He chickened out of killing his self but caused others to die! What is wrong with people these days?!? This is CRAZY!:

Ten Die in LA Train Crash; Murder Charge Planned
1 hour, 1 minute ago

By Steve Gorman

LOS ANGELES (Reuters) - At least 10 people were killed and nearly 200 injured on Wednesday when two Los Angeles commuter trains collided after one struck an automobile left on the tracks in what authorities called an aborted suicide attempt by a "deranged" man.

Police and fire officials said the man slashed his wrists and stabbed himself in the chest shortly before parking his Jeep Cherokee on the tracks. But he jumped clear at the last moment and watched as the two high-speed trains smashed together and derailed in a fiery wreck.
The man was identified by police as Juan Manuel Alvarez, 25. He was found wandering the scene after the predawn accident, muttering: "I'm sorry, I'm sorry," according to a local television report. Police said the man, who was uninjured in the crash, was arrested and would be charged with at least 10 counts of murder.

Los Angeles County District Attorney Steve Cooley said decisions about charging the suspect would be made by Friday.

Glendale Police Chief Randy Adams said Alvarez admitted parking on the tracks with the intention of killing himself, but apparently changed his mind and fled as one of the commuter trains bore down on his Jeep.

"He was very distraught and upset and realized that he caused a major disaster," Adams told a news conference.

The commuter trains also struck a parked freight train, sparking a brief fire. The collision occurred just after 6 a.m., near a shopping strip at the edge of an industrial area near Glendale, north of downtown Los Angeles.

About 125 people hurt in the train wreck were hospitalized, and 60 others were treated for minor injuries and released, fire officials said. At least 10 people died, including a sheriff's deputy and a train conductor.

Metrolink, the Southern California commuter rail service that operates the train tracks, said it was the worst accident in its 13-year history.

MANGLED WRECKAGE

The impact sent passengers flying through the trains and landing on top of one another. Firefighters found bleeding passengers walking dazed amid a tangle of twisted wreckage and scattered shoes, briefcases and gravel. Some survivors were pushing others in shopping carts taken from an adjacent store.

The smell of diesel spilled from one of the stricken locomotives filled the air.

"It's like we went from 55 to 60 (mph) (90-100 kph) to zero in two seconds flat," one injured man told reporters.

Carol Smith, 50, was on her way downtown to work and had just put down her newspaper and was starting to meditate. "And all of a sudden, the train pulls the brakes and jerks and the lights went out," Smith said. She was able to walk off unscathed, although she saw a number of severe injuries.

"I walked by a lot of people who were lying on the tracks and couldn't move," Smith told Reuters.

"This is the worst train accident I have ever seen," Los Angeles Fire Department Capt. Rex Vilaubi said.

Metrolink officials said the commuter trains, each consisting of a locomotive and four double-decker passenger cars, are authorized to travel at up to 79 mph through the area. But they were probably going somewhat slower because one had just left a nearby station and one was approaching it.

Metrolink chief executive David Solow said the severity of the wreck was due to the Jeep's having been wedged tightly into the tracks, creating an "immovable object."

Adams described the suspect as a "deranged individual" and said he had a record of prior drug-related arrests, but police knew little else of his background. He said investigators believed him to be a transient.

The man's self-inflicted slash and stab wounds, made with a knife soon before the train wreck, appeared to be superficial, Adams said.

Los Angeles County Sheriff Lee Baca, whose department oversees rail safety, said he was "outraged that people coming to work on a very safe train system would have to face something as tragic as this."

"When some individual parks his vehicle on the train track knowing full well that a train is coming, this is cause for serious, serious alarm." he said.

The National Transportation Safety Board sent a team to investigate Wednesday's crash -- the fourth serious train accident in Southern California in the past three years. (Additional reporting by Ben Berkowitz and Nigel Hunt))

http://story.news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=story&e=1&u=/nm/20050127/ts_nm/crash_train_dc



SMH@that...

posted by Toya @ 7:09 PM 2 comments

Some people maybe mad...

...but oh well this is my blog. I wouldnt call my self a homophobe because i'm not. Some of you may, but *shrugs* oh well. I don't think all gay females want me nor am I scared of them. I am a Christian and I do think that living a homosexual lifestyle is wrong. Walking around campus today just made me feel sad. I seen a few females today that seem to be gay. Like i seen this girl which i thought was a guy at first. She had her hair cut like a guy and dressed like one. She was heavy and had sideburns like she was trying to grow a goatee. She went up to this other girl and started talking. This was while I was in line at McDonalds in the student center. I also seen these girls in the book store together and one girl had a bad that had a rainbow on it, so I assumed she was gay or bisexual. How do I know this? Because it's on TV and the internet everywhere that the rainbow is a symbol for that, also I have a aunt that's gay. That's just sad to me. I thought that a rainso was a symbol of a promise as in God promising to never flood the earth again. If you like the colors of the rainbow you can't even wear them if you dont want someone to assume that you're gay.

I dont understand, lets use my aunt, how some women can say "well men have done me wrong so i will be a lesbian no" but have 3 kids and then go cheat on your gay girlfriend with a man! I've never understood that! I guess all that licking wasnt doing it for her and she needed some penis in her life or something, I dont know. It really doesnt make any sense to me. But they will say "But a man dont know a woman's body like a woman do". Ef that, I know I still haven't had sex yet, and some people would be like "well how would you know since you havent had sex?" but I would not want any female on me, it just makes me feel nauseated thinking about that. The thought of two guys going at it just makes me sick. Two women and two men can't make a baby. So I really don't understand why folks would say "Well they're born like that". I don't believe that. I believe that it is a choice. Maybe I am homophobic, who knows. I may make some people angry or lose the few readers I have or have some angry anonymous post, but I just needed to let this out because it really bothered me today when I was on campus. Am I wrong for posting this? At least I'm trying to be honest and not sugar coat what I feel. I dont know. Every has to be PC these days. I don't even know why I'm writing this post. Wait yes I do, because I seen all this gayness in the student center today when I was at the boostore and McDonalds and I'm just sick of seeing it everywhere! On campus, on TV, in the theater department on my campus (lol), I can't get away from it! It all seems like a fad to me. It seems like it's "cool" to be gay now. Weird. I just dont understand and may never understand. I may seemed closed minded but oh well. Now I love my aunt to death, she's one of my favorite aunts, but I do not agree with her lifestyle.

Anyways I wasn't typing this post just because they're gay. What I hate is that when I see some female dressing or acting boyish. Now I guess alot of girls may go through the tom-boy stage or dressing in guy clothes like I did because they're self conscious about their body, but why act like a boy??? I dressed in guy clothes because I was self conscious and my boobs and behind was getting bigger and I didnt know how to handle guy's reactions to that, so I covered up. Not because I wanted to act like a guy, but I just didnt want to show off what my mama gave me. Now I'm cool :-) I grew out of it (and no I dont dress like a hoochie now). If they're going to be a lesbian, why do they have to act like a guy? I really hate that. You are a female! Be feminine! Get your hair done! At least ever once in a while! I'm not saying go to the shop every week! Do SOMETHING to it. Put some lipstick on ever once in a while. Get your nails done! Wear something that fits! Something that shows your shape! Wear some heels! Learn to walk in heels just as I'm learning to! Wear a dress and wear skirts! Show a little cleavage every blue moon (I mean dont have it hanging out all the time, and just show a little!). I'm not saying you have to be girly all the time, because I'm sure not, but people should be able to tell if you're a female instead of having to guess or ask you. Gay men please be masculine! I hate for gay men to act the stereotypical way of how gay men act. UGH I hate that! Stop moving your hands like a female! Get a lil bass in your voice! You dont have to sound like Barry White or Issac Hayes, but at least have a lil! Dont let the mama (the first one) from "Family Matter sound more masculine than you! Be manly and stop wearing pink! Ok I will stop here. I'm done. I just had to get that off my chest. You're probably thinking "What the f**k is she talking about? This B**ch is dumb as hell!". But oh well. I probably don't sound any better than someone who is racist. *Shrugs* I don't know. I probably sound real ignorant, but maybe ignorant I am. Plus I couldn't think of anything to write about. I just had to get this out. Time for me to go.

posted by Toya @ 6:04 PM 3 comments

Biggest baby in the world maybe???

I already posted today, so please read the post below, but i had to share this what i saw on yahoo this morning:



Woman Gives Birth to Giant Baby
Thu Jan 20, 9:52 AM ET


SAO PAULO, Brazil - A woman in northeastern Brazil has given birth to what one doctor called a "giant baby," a boy weighing 16.7 pounds.

Francisca Ramos dos Santos, 38, gave birth to the healthy boy named Ademilton on Tuesday at a hospital in Salvador, 900 miles northeast of Sao Paulo. He was the largest baby born at the Albert Sabin Maternity Hospital in its 12-year history, the hospital said.
"Obviously the baby was born by Caesarean section," hospital director Rita Leal said. "Both mother and baby are doing just fine."

Ademilton "could truly be considered a giant baby, for he was born weighing what a six-month-old-baby normally weighs," pediatrician Luiz Sena Azul told the Correio da Bahia newspaper.
Santos has four other children — ages 9, 12, 14, and 15 — who were born weighing between 7.7 pounds and 11 pounds.

"She knew Ademilton would be a big baby, but not this big" Leal said. "She, her husband and the hospital staff were caught by surprise."

The average weight for newborns in Brazil is 7.7 pounds for boys and 6.6 pounds for girls.


i had to email this to everyobe i know, that's ridiculous! Could you imagine if she had to push that baby out! OMG!

posted by Toya @ 1:35 PM 5 comments

I just dont know...

...i feel weird right now. Yesterday church was good. The pastor talked about continuing to stay motivated for God and what we should be doing until Jesus comes back. It was encouraging. I dont want to sound so boy crazy as i may sound but i'm really not since i'm so shy and i havent had a boyfriend still. With James i dont know. I know he says he needs to work on his self, and i do too, but i still want to date. Honestly i know i need to be working on my relationship with God before i even try to date anyone. Yes i'm a Christian and i'm trying to walk in my salvation. It's hard though. Even if i go to church every sunday and wednesday for bible study and go to choir rehearsal and sing int he choir, that's not enough to get me into heaven. Going to church doesnt save you. I dont think my relationship with God is that good, i know it's not. I know i'm guilty of just picking up my Bible and just opening it up on wednesday and sunday and not reading it everyday like i should.

What am i doing throughout the week that let other people know that i am a Christian? People look at folks that say theyre a Christian under a microscope just waiting for us to mess up. I guess they feel that Christians put other folks that arent down. I dont do that and i have no right to because i'm no were near perfect my self. I'm struggling to do good and live right and line my self up with Gods' word everyday, but it's a struggle. I dont get up in the morning to pray like i should or pray at night. When i want to pray it seems like everything else needs to be done whether it's i gotta all of a sudden clean the house or the phone is ringing no-stop or i have something else to do that could really wait. I dont spend enough quiet time alone with God at all, and i'm mad at my self for that. Everytime i try to it seems to get harder and harder. Sometimes i feel like i cant do it at all. Why do i make time for everything else and no time for God? I really need to work on that.

I feel that i need to make time for God first before i can even get a man. It's so hard though when you've never had a boyfriend and just really want to date. It's especially hard when you've met someone that you like but you know you need to work on your self before you should even think about trying to date someone or be in a relationship. I just feel like if i miss out on this chance now that i will be alone forever. Not saying that this guy would be the one that i'mm marry, but even just having that experience of dating, and just knowing how a relationship work. We talked yesterday and i guess i really dont know much about him. He asked me if i have anything i dont like about him, and i couldnt really think up nothing. There is going to obviously be some thing's i dont know about him, but there isnt now because i dont really know him. I like him from thing's i know about him, but i havent been around him enough to really get to know him yet. It would be easier if i went to school up in Chicago, but even then he still live's far away and works alot. I do want to get to know him though and i do want that chance to date him though. It's confusing and wierd especially how i feel about him and i dont even know him that well yet. I mean i want him, and no not in a sexual way, but i just want to be around him. I could see my self dating him though for a while. I think he'd be a good boyfriend, and i think (not quite sure yet, lol) that 'd be a good girlfriend. Only time will tell if we can date. I guess the good thing is that i am at school and we can talk and be friends and get to know each other. But i still want to date him.

Maybe i just really want him because i like him, he likes me, he's nice, he's cute, he's a gentleman, i'm attracted to him, he's working on his self and trying to get his self together, and he has goals he want to reach, and he's a nice guy, which i like, and he's a Christian. It's so hard to come across Christian males, especially in my age group because alot of young men stop going to church i guess when they reach 18. All the boy's my age at my home church stopped coming around when they got to high school or in college. Even at my church here at school, there's a WHOLE lot more females in the church than males. I guess i feel like if i miss out on him then i'll miss out on something good. Since that's what i want i want to grab him up before anyone else can get to him, lol. That's sad i know, but what's wrong with me wanting to date him because of that? What other reasons are there to date? I know he might not be all that tall since he's about the same height as me and i'm 5'11 and i really like tall guys, but i like him so i dont care about his height, because i just like him, just like he may like short girl (booo :-) ) but oh well, he still likes me. I dont know. I guess we should just be friends now, since that's the best, and i dont want to scare him away or seem too needy and clingy. But i still like him alot and want to date him.

I got this bought this book at church about 2 days ago that's called "Knight in Shining Armor: Discovering Your Lifelong Love" by P.B Wilson. This book is aimed at Single Christian women who are wanting to marry. I want to get married eventually and have kids and have grandkids and God willing see my great-grandkids. I seen this book last sunday when they had the books out and was going to get it then but didnt. This girl at church told me to get it because she's reading it and it's good. I ended up buying it on Tuesday before church. I started to read it and it's talking about how women are saying that there's no more good men out there but there is a man that God has for you. It was saying not to be alarmed by the statistics out there that's saying things like there's 1 man to every 7 women. That's very scary, lol. In the book it was starting to say "How can you Love someone and be inlove with them if you havent been inlove with your true husband first, which is God. It gave some scripture to back that up, Isaiah 54:5. I have to be able to be inlove with God before i can be ready to be with someone. I've never been inlove, and i havent been inlove with God yet. That's why i guess i feel so stuck and my relationship with God isnt that great. I havent spent time with him yet to really get to know him. If i havent done that then how can i find a man? So as i started to read some more it said that for the next 6 months i should "put on a sign" that says "under construction". I need to be under construction for God. It was saying that 6 months is enough time to really get to know someone. Since i need to get to know God i should just really focus on him and not focus on dating someone during these 6 months. As i was reading the book and got to page 13 it said to sign a commitment that's on the next page. LOL, that's when i got scared. This is what it said:

Lord, I want You to fashion me for my prospective husband. I commit the next six months of my life for Your construction. I will surrender any area which is not controlled by You so that my life will bring You glory.

X_____________________________ Date ________

lol, so i got scared from that. I didnt sign it yet, because i do want to date, but what is 6 months? that's not long. It's not like i really dated before. I've never had a boyfriend, so whats another 6 months. But since it seem that i almost have that opprotunity to date, then i dont want to let that pass. But in the book it said to tell that man if you get asked on a date or if you got someone you have your eye on to come back or call back in 6 months. LOL, so i havent signed it yet. I dont know, more than likely i should. I know i need to work on my self. i was about ready to not read the book and take it back, but it said under that:

If you don't feel you can sign this now, don't close the book! You'll have more time to think about it as you read further.

If i can have some guy occupying my thoughts all day, why cant i let God and Jesus occupy my thoughts all day? That's sad. I havent signed it yet, but i will continue to read it. This maybe more than likely Good for me. Yesterday i was praying for God to help me to praise him and worship him. I know i need help. This is a LONG post so i will stop right here. I'll come back to this subject sometime later in a week or so i can tell what decision i made. Leave comments if you'll like and tell me what you guy's think. Or if i made any since at all.

posted by Toya @ 11:20 AM 4 comments

A crazy website

this guy on my buddylist sent this site to me: http://pi.pwp.blueyonder.co.uk/snow.html

that's crazy....i cant believe the time people send to make silly stuff like that....2 days of class down, 3 months and 3 weeks and 2 days to go! :-) May 13th!. I gotta run to this revival at church. i'll post later.

posted by Toya @ 5:42 PM 1 comments

School is back in session...

...and i'm already sick of it! I've only been to one class so far, to my Long Playwriting class. Last semester i took short playwriting and i got a "C" in it >:-( . Oh well. Only 5 of us that was in the class last semester are in the long playwriting class, and 2 people who took short playwriting the year before us are in the class. Our final project is to write a 60-90 minute play *cries*, but i think i can possibly handle it. i have to be in class in 19 minutes, so i'll have to make this short, which is fine because i really dont have nothing to talk about. I'm just posting for the heck of it.

Last night i had choir rehearsal which no one really showed up to. This week we're having a revival starting today and ending on this upcoming Sunday. We're singing praise and worship songs everyday this week. I'm glad the pastor said it's casual because we sure didnt want to have to dress up everyday. But since we're the choir we still have to be uniformed in some way. So today we have to wear blue jeans and either a tan, cream, or brown shirt.

When i came back to Carbondale and went to church everyone was like "OH my God, you look so pretty". That felt pretty good, but then again it makes me think "Dang was i ugly before?". lol. i know thats not what they meant though. They were talking about my braids and how they looked nice, and they really do. My mama did a great job! i havent had micro's in a while, so i know i'ma hate taking these down. Since i've been away at college i havent really been keeping my hair braided and i've been wearing a lil fro or twist. sometimes i'll get some french braids. It's weird what a new hair style can do for a person. Change ya whole face. I was also getting sick of the fro because it's alot of work to comb through my hair. I've broke several combs on my head trying to comb through my hair, lol. I still refuse to get a relaxer. So it's braids for my now, but once the summer time comes around it's back to the twist and afro because braids are too hot for the summer.

I'm so mad that my lil refund check from school is gone that quick! I paids one month of rent and my cell phone bill that was ridiculous. I paid my light bill. I'm surprised they didnt cut off my lights becausei was sure expecting it to be cut off. My cousin gave me some money on what she owed me. Only $200, but it's a start. I'm sure about to put it on that phone bill she owe me from when we lived together. I've made a payment ont hat bill though and the bill collector i talk to is always flirting. What type of bill collector is that? i asked him to hold on because i had another call and when i came back he asked me "so is that you're boyfriend?" i was like no...he sounds young, and he's black, but that's funny to me. My cousin said that if he's trying to talk to me and he doesnt know what i look like then he must be ugly, lol.

I still dont know about this James situation, It's weird. I like him alot. I wish that i couldve gotten a chance to spend more time with him, but hopefully i can spend more than one day with him when i go home for spring break. Hopefully 2 days, lol. It's time for me to run to class, hopefully i wont be late, i got 7 minutes to get there. Peace.

posted by Toya @ 1:12 PM 5 comments

Death of Internet Friends

Several days ago i got a email from some that i use to Chat with on AOL. The subject of the email said that it was about another person i chatted with. When i opened the email i seen that the person that sent it to me forwarded it to about 15 other people we use to chat with in this RnB room on AOL. The email said that this person we use to chatwith, i'll call him TBear because id idnt know his real name, died the day before. The person that sent the email said that TBear's cousin told her. So i was wondering how did she know his cousin, but maybe she use to have his number or something or his cousin may have chatted with us. So the email said he dided and i was like wow. I didnt know whether to believe it or not because sometimes people joke too much on the net because i seen a situtation like that before. I got another email the next day from someone else sending the email to about 15 people again and she said she talked to TBear's father and she had the furneral information. He lived in Cali, but if any of us was close by and wanted to go we could.

This was sad to me, i use to talk to him in the chatroom and sometimes on AIM, but after a while we didnt talk to each other that much. Drama started to happen int he chat room and the new chatters and old chatters would argue so then folks stopped chatting. I was one of the older chatters, and he was one of the newer ones. I havent really talked to him in over a year, and about 5 months ago i IM'ed him when i seen him online. We talked about about 15-20 catching up on things. I think he was engaged to his girlfriend he use to always tell us about and he graduated from college. He was really into music and he was a DeeJay. He was younger than me, i think he was just 21 when he passed. He died sometime last week and his funeral was yesterday on January 12th, 2005. Rest in Peace TBEAR. I will be praying for his family and hope that they will be able to get through this hard time.

Now this subject brings me to a question i use to wonder about and ask other folks in different chatrooms i use to chat in, int he music ones on AOL and in the College Chat on Blackplanet. What happens to the folks on the net you talk to, or your internet friends when they stop coming on for a while? Do you just assume they dont have access to the net anymore? Do you assume that they've found a life? Do you assume that they've grown out of using the net? Did they find better things to do? Did you make them mad and they no longer want to chat with you? Should i even care if they stop coming online since i dont really know them and may never meet them anyways? I would always wonder this because i've been chatting on BP since my first year of college back in the fall of 2000. There has been alot of people who i use to chat with that no longer come online. Sometimes someone may come into the chatroom and stop by to say hi that havent been on in a couple of years. I know they look at me and a few other people and say "Dang ya'll still use this site?" But what can i say, the net can be addictive, and BP is the #1 crackhouse. Maybe i should really delete my account from that site, but i know i probably wont, besides i dont use BP as much as i use to sinc ei dont have the internet at my apartment anymore. But what happen to these people. What happens when someone you just talked to everyday online just up and stop coming online? Do you miss them? Do you send them emails asking what happened to them? What happens when they dont reply back? I dont know. Maybe at some point if it's someone you've been chatting with for a while, you may have their number and talk to them on the phone. I talk to a few people on the phone that i've been chatting with for a few years. And some of them i havent met yet. Even with that, what happens if they die or something? How would you know if they died or not if you never met them? They probably didnt tell their family about you and their family couldnt contact you to tell you what happened. I dont know it's weird. This whole post maybe weird.

If the girl that told all of us that TBear died didnt know Tbear's cousin, we wouldve never known that he died and wouldve figured that he just stopped chatting like so many other people who no longer come online. Should your internet friends contact you first by email or phone if they decide to never come online again? If me and one of my best internet buddies didnt talk on the phone, i wouldve thought he died or something because he doesnt use the net anymore. Since he's in Detroit and i'm from Chicago and is downstate in IL for school we still havent met. What if i didnt have his number and he just stopped talking to me? Should i have assumed that he died or something? I dont know. Maybe this is a dumb subject to write about but heck it's my blog! lol. But this is just something i've been wondering about. Comment if ya'll like.

posted by Toya @ 5:05 PM 1 comments

Lets take a long walk...

...i'll get back to that title in a little bit. I havent really posted anything in a while, but i've been home in Chicago, well Hillside since thats where my mama lives now, just chillin and relaxing. I'm sure glad that we get a month off from school. Well lets see, my teacher never emailed me back (check out "the dumbest decision i've ever made..." post). I really cant believe i did that, but oh well. I will still be walking in May, hopefully...well i know i can because folks walk all the time and they dont be finish with classes. So i will be walking and alot of my family should be coming down to see me. I'm still sort of unsure about what i will be doing after graduation, i may apply to grad school at the school i'm at as undeclared until i building up a portfolio of plays for when i apply to a MFA program for Playwritng.

Alot of stuff went on since i wrote the post from Dec. I know i posted something on Jan 1st, but i didnt talk about much. I think i already talked about almost getting stuck in Carbondale for Christmas, but i finally made it home on Christmas Eve. It snowed really bad down there and my cousin and her husband decided not to drive to Chicago so i had to buy a train ticket at the last minute to go home. The roads were really icy and people were having accidents. Before i left school, on the day i posted the "Dumbest decision" post, i went to the library after i got off work and i ran into the guy who's name is a synonym for "adore". So he gave me a ride home fromt he library and then he kissed me. Lol, i got so nervous because first i dont know how to kiss because he was only like the third person to kiss me, and i've never had a boyfriend, so i didnt really kiss him back. Also when we pulled into the parking lot i seen my cousin and her husband there and they were giving this guy from church that lives where i live at a jump for his truck. So this guy was talking about he liked me and blah blah blah, and he wanted to come into my apartment. I told him no, so he told me to call him later then. Also i was going to watch my Salukis (our b-ball team) play with my friend. I called him before i went to the game and asked him why he kissed me (i know that sounds naieve, but i am about alot of things because i'm inexperienced in alot of areas of life), and he said because he wanted to. So we talked a lil bit, well while we were in his car before he dropped me off and he told me about his heart condition he found out about before graduation (i did go to it), and he kept talking about how he was inlove with his ex girlfriend and that's who he wants to marry. So i figured out that he just probably wanted to come in because he probably just wanted to f*ck or something, but i'm not because i'm waiting until i'm married, and i told him that. After that he didnt really seem to want to be bothered. I still wanted to just go to hang with him since he's leaving for Kansas City soon, this weekend i believe. But oh well. Also it snowed so i didnt leave the house and his car was stuck. Oh well good luck to him and his new job.

I've been having a pretty good break. I got to see my little cousins which i havent seen in over a year when we went to my aunt's house for Christmas. I was about to cry when i seen them because i was thinking "Oh look at my babies, they're growing up". There are two boys and a girl, the two boys are 16 and 14 going on 15, and the girl is 13. They were looking at me weird when i was saying that. They use to love me. They would ask me to take them to the park and everything. I use to change their diapers when they were babies. They hate that when i say that. I told them that there were horrible teenagers, lol. I also got to spend some time with my grandparents. I also went to my father's house because i havent seen him in like a year and a half, and i got to see my two little sisters. The 10 yr old who's turning 11 tomorrow i seen this past June at my cousin's wedding, because she came with my grandparents. But the 3 yr old i havent seen since she was 1 years old. She is SO adorable! i wanted to take her back to school with me. She knows the theme song to "Fat Albert" and she knows the characters from "Good Times" because my father watches it and has it on DVD. She kept going around saying "Shut up JJ". LMAO that was so funny to me. I also caught her cold. So my throat is feeling a little scratchy now.

I also got to see my bestfriend Niamah and my friend Payton who left C'dale to come up to Chicago. I met them at the same time downtown and we all went to go eat and just went around downtown windowshopping because we were all broke. Niamah works in a store downtown and gets a 30% discount off things so i wanted to get me a new coat, but i didnt have the money on me. She said she'll mail the coat to me if i give her the money to buy it. I also met a guy i chatted with for the longest on BP. We dont like each other, but we just went to go to the movies and got something to eat. We went to see "Closer" which i never heard of and didnt know what it was about. It was too much for me. Kind of vulgar, i didnt really like it, but it was kinda good. It was cool tho just to go hang out with a guy and not worry about "if he like me" because we just went as friends. We've been chatting int he College Chat on BP since like my first year of college, and he's crazy. We were supposed to meet in the summer of 2003, me, him, and a few other people from BP that was in the Chicago area and all go to the Taste of Chicago. So i have one more day here. I leave to go back to school tomorrow. Hopefully everything is fine with my apartment. I kinda ready to go back but thwn i'm not. But i am ready to hurry up and walk across the stage.

Now back to the title. I've always loved that song but right now i'm kinda feeling that song, Jill Scott's "A Long Walk". This could or should be a post of it's own. I met a guy yesterday, well i've been talkign to him since the end of Oct. or since like the beginning of Nov. His name is James and he's really cool. We've been talking online since that time, and would email each other almost everyday. I would be looking forward to reading his emails. We would just talk about whatever, me and the problems i have with these guys, and he'd tell me about these females that are sort of stalking him. :) The he sort of told me he looked forward to my emails and i told him i looked forward to his. So we talked on the phone, and talked and talked all night. And since then we've been talking everyday. Then he asked if i wanted to go out, to the museum or something or somewhere. I said sure. I was SO nervous meeting him be he told me not to. So we met up, i had my mama to see how he looked first and she took his driver's license number then we went to the mall and walked around looking in stores and stuff. Once we finally met i wasnt nervous anymore but he was. He didnt need to be though, because i liked him. He's a cutie, and he's adorable, lol. I was more nervous than him, worrying before we met that he wouldnt think i was cute or that i didnt look like my pictures i showed him that were on my BP page, or if i'd seem boring or at a lost for words since i get really nervous around guys. To my surprise i was fine, i talked, and i wasnt nervous after we finally met. Since i'm not really use to male attention since guys dont really try to talk to me alot, and guys period really do these things anymore, but he opened doors for me, helped me put my coat on, and i just thought that he was just really a gentleman. I really liked that and appreciated that. I know he thought that was funny because i wasnt used to that so i was kinda like "What are you doing?". We were in the mall for a while. We left the mall. It felt like we knew each other longer than just talking for 2 months online and a week on the phone. We sat in the car for a while, we talked, we kissed, we went to get something to eat. We had to wait until after 6pm to eat because i'm on a fast with my church and we can only eat once a day for 2 weeks, which i'm a week and a half down now, lol, it's been really hard doing that. I had a really good time with James. He's really sweet. He's a Christian, and that's what i'm looking for. He's not perfect because he said he did his dirt int he past, but none of us are perfect. I really like him. I was sad he had to leave. I'm sad i have to go back to school tomorrow. We wont be able to see each other again until March when i come home for Spring Break. I want to date him but i feel that it'll be hard since i'm 5.5 hours away at school. What if he see's a girl he likes and wants to date her or if i see a guy i like and want to date him. I dont know. Maybe that's something i dont need to worry about right now. Right now i should just sit back and just enjoy the time i spent with him. Even though i'm not sure as of know what i'll be doing after graduation, but who know's what the future holds. I dont know what things will come up 5-7 months down the line. When i got home i just felt so, i dont know what word to use, exicted i guess. I really enjoyed my self. I felt happy. I was smiling, and that's something i dont do often. It just really felt good to go out with someone that i liked and i know likes me. That's that first time that's ever happened to me. I've never been on a real date before or out with someone that liked me. I mightve liked them, but they didnt like me. I just sat up and thought about the time we had to hang out all night and this morning. I really cant get him off my mind. I dont want to like him to much or get clingy because i dont like clingy people my self. But i really like him. And no i dont mean liking him too much like i'll stalk him or something, but i dont know, i guess i'm so cautious and stuff and defensive when it comes to guys, i'm sort of scared to let my guard down. But i like him. We talked on the phone last night because he called me to tell me that he made it into the house. I think i'll stop hear because i'm just rambling on now, lol, but i like him. I'll be back to post i guess on tuesday, Jan. 18th, if not tomorrow morning before i leave to go back to good old SIU. Have a good rest of the week people and a blessed weekend! :-)

posted by Toya @ 1:24 PM 1 comments

Happy New Years!

I know i ain't posted nothing, i've been chilling and relaxing at home here in Chicago, but i doubt if anyone really come by and read this. And i think i'm starting to get boring, thats if i was ever interesting in the first place. Whatever the case, Happy New Years! May God bless each and every one of you and may there be many blessings poured out for you in this new year! Happy New Years again and i hope you all had a Very Merry Christmas! :-)

posted by Toya @ 12:09 AM 3 comments