Throwback blog...
...i stole this idea from
SoulfulAries, since i seen she put a old post up, and i thought, what a good diea, since i have not to write about...this has been a busy week...i'm working the light board for the play "Dancing at Lughnasa" and that play has got to be the LONGEST PLAY EVER! the first act is 80 minutes and the second act is 50...it's SO cold in the theater, and i've been trying my hardest not to fall asleep because i dont want to miss my cue when the stage manager tells me to GO over the headset....i had a coat and gloves on...man...this is a busy week, and school is over in 2 weeks! ugh! i'm kinda sad that i'm not graduating this may, but that's ok, i will be in december...i stillg otta get my play done for class... i have about 20 pages, i need about 60 more...anyways, here's the old post from about 2 and a half years ago....this is from when i was really depressed and after i went to the intake counselor to start going to counseling, i think alot of this what i typed about is some of the problem as to why i was depressed and or why i have a hard time with guys...or maybe not, i left any errors the same, whats the point of spell checking it?....heres the link to it:
http://toya81.blogspot.com/2002/10/well-today-im-doing-alright.htmland here's the post:
Wednesday, October 23, 2002well today im doing alright......i dont want every post to be all sad, cuz that'll be just too depressing, but hey thats how i was feeling at the time, but most of these post are depressing, but anyways, hopefully today will be the start of a new day.....and i say that because i went to counseling today, well the intake part, which i wont go too much into, but now i do feel a little bit better after doing that......well i told the man about how i be shy and how its hard for me to make friends, and how its lonely being down here without any friends, and he said he was glad that i did come in, because that shows that i do want help with whatever, but he was asking questions about how my classes are and eating and sleeping habits......he also asked about my mother, brother and father......but when he got on my father i got quiet, and i didnt notice that until he said that.......and it was like hard to try and talk about that, cuz i told him that my mama and daddy got divorced when i was 6 years old........and how my daddy stabbed my mama in her sleep (he was also on drugs then well getting off of them), even though that happened, that never really bothered me when i was younger, but as i got older i would get angry about that, it was like how could he do that?........if he ended up killing her, then me and my brother wouldnt had him or her, cuz she would be dead and he would be in jail.......but when i was little that never really bothered me, or i didnt think it did.....but he didnt go to jail he said he was crazy or something so he went to a shrink or some ish, then he skipped jail time, but even after that like a year or 2 after that, my mama still let me and my brother go see him at his apartment, that was like 2 years after the divorce, becuase they was seperated when he stabbed her, but thats what lead to the divorce.......but anyways i kept on tearing up and i was gonna cry when he was asking me those things, but i dont like to cry infront of people, especially someone i dont know, so i held the tears, back.........but man i got so quiet and when he started talking about my brother and my father i got choked up, and i guess cuz my relationship with them isnt all that good, and i want it to be, but my father gets on my nerves cuz he's stubbron and meant o my brother and my brother acts as if he doesnt like me and my mama cuz she sent him to live with my brother back in 98', but i just want everything to work out and be peaceful, but everything doesnt work that way.......so the intake counselor recommended that i go to group counseling, so thats what im gonna do once a week, so hopefully it will help........but anyways enough of that i need to go type my papers up and finish downloading these Luther Vandross songs for this CD im making for my cousin, and get the papers done since im leaving tomorrow and cant hand them in on friday, but anyways, bye bye....
Advice from a man...
...i dont have anything to write today, but i did get this in a email from my cousin who got it from our minister of music. I dont know if he wrote it, or if he got it from somewhere, but i figured i'll share this with the ladies. I know i need to take some of this advice my self (Some of it i already heard before, even from other men).
If a man wants you, nothing can keep him away. If he doesn't want you, nothing can make him stay.
Stop making excuses for a man and his behavior.
Allow your intuition (or spirit) to save you from heartache.
Stop trying to change yourselves for relationships that's not meant to be.
Slower is better.
Never live your life for a man before you find what makes you truly happy.
If a relationship ends because the man was not treating you as you deserve, then, you can't be friends. A friend wouldn't mistreat a friend.
Don't settle.
There are many things that will catch your eye, but only a few will catch your heart...pursue those!
If you feel like he is stringing you along, then he probably is.
Don't stay because you think "it will get better." You'll be mad at yourself a year later for staying when things are not better.
The only person you can control in a relationship is you.
Avoid men who've got a bunch of children by a bunch of different women. He didn't marry them when he got them pregnant. Why would he treat you any differently?
Always have your own set of friends separate from his.
Maintain boundaries in how a guy treats you. If something bothers you, speak up.
Never let a man know everything. He will use it against you later.
You cannot change a man's behaviors. Change comes from within. God alone can change people.
Don't EVER make him feel he is more important than you are...even if he has more education or in a better job.
Do not make him into a quasi-god. He is a man, nothing more nothing less.
Never let a man define who you are.
Never borrow someone else's man.
If he cheated with you, he'll cheat on you.
A man will only treat you the way you ALLOW him to treat you.
All men are NOT "bad" dogs. ? OKAY!
You should not be the one doing all the bending...compromise is a
two way street.
You need time to heal between relationships...there is nothing cute about baggage...deal with your issues before pursuing a new relationship. "Don't open another door without closing the other!"
You should never look for someone to COMPLETE you...a relationship consists of two WHOLE individuals... LOOK for someone complementary...not supplementary.
Dating is fun...even if he doesn't turn out to be Mr. Right.
Make him miss you sometimes...when a man always knows where you are, and you're always readily available to him, he takes it for granted.
Never move into his mother's house.
Never co-sign for a man.
Share this with other ladies..... You'll make someone smile, another rethink her choices, and another woman prepare. They say it takes a minute to find a special person, an hour to appreciate them, a day to love them, and an entire life to forget them!
What do ya'll think about this? Do you ladies agree? Men? what is your take on this?
My new additcion...
...and no it's not crack...it's not blogger.com, it's not "James" or any other guy...it's not even BP aka BrokePlanet.com aka Blackplanet.com....it's,
www.thefacebook.com ...EVERYONE from my school is on that site! last semester my school wasnt on there when someone i chatted with online told me about it...this year it is...and i've come across a few people from high school on there...even my crush i had for like 7 years named Patrick...this might be a good site for any of you folks still in college or college grads if your school is on there, all you need is your school e-mail to confirm....thats if you havent already registered....i'm out, gotta turn this laptop in before 7:10pm or they'll charge me a $50 late fee!
Me and "Yellowman's" convo, and other stuff...
hey look at the new recover post button! i read about that on blogger.com here:
http://help.blogger.com/bin/answer.py?answer=1125It will recover your post if you happen to lose it, but read the article so it'll tell you how it works!
i was bored, and i dont have much to talk about. I got issues with someone stalking me by text message, so I’ve been dealing with that, but now they're calling me and hanging up. This has been going on since Feb. 14th, and i have no clue that it is. I had to apologize to "yellow man" cuz i have no proof that it's him, since i accuse him of being the one. It's kinda scary, but I’ll just have to pray and believe that God will protect me from whoever it is. I never really gave my number out, plus I’ve always been shy. If a guy had a my number, more than likely i took his number first then gave him mine. It's been 2 months since i got the first text message, and the cops are getting involved. Hopefully in a few weeks o so i can find out whom this is.
I haven’t talked to "James" recently. I guess he's busy. A guy i haven’t talked to in a while named Richard called me out the blue and surprised me by leaving me a voice mail last week. He said he was sorry for not calling me anymore, but he's been going through some things and his phone got disconnected. I kinda liked him at one point. He was the person i said i wish i didnt do what i shouldn’t have been doing in a previous post. I was attracted to his personality, but not to him. I mean he was cute, but his body, it wouldn’t have worked. He was a nice guy, but he was like 24 going on 65, so old. I might’ve been mean to him, but he lied to me before we met. I'll talk about him some other time though.
"Yellow man" has been sending me IM's on yahoo in the morning since he's at work at the radio station on campus. He keeps talking about how he misses me. I think it's funny. He seemed to not be paying me any attention last semester, or he wasn’t being clear to me, which was confusing me. I was even going to look past his teeth! Anyways, here's our conversation on Yahoo Tuesday morning this week *Note I ***** him out because i had to protect his Yahoo identity :-) *
The following is some silly, useless, rambling while Ii was getting ready for class and typing up a paper for my class:*****99 (7:02:17 AM): Good morning baby how are you doing today? 
ladylj81 (7:21:40 AM): aight and u?
*****99 (7:25:15 AM): i am doing good honey!
ladylj81 (7:25:20 AM): ok
*****99 (7:25:32 AM): did you have a nice rest?
ladylj81 (7:25:43 AM): i want to go back to sleep
ladylj81 (7:25:46 AM): not really
ladylj81 (7:25:51 AM): the futon isn’t comfy
ladylj81 (7:26:10 AM): and i only got 6 hours
*****99 (7:26:30 AM): go ahead, go back to sleep, fold up your blankets and the sleep on top of them!
*****99 (7:26:35 AM): baby
ladylj81 (7:26:42 AM): dont call me baby...
ladylj81 (7:26:48 AM): and no i got class at 9:15
ladylj81 (7:26:52 AM): so i gotta get up
*****99 (7:26:55 AM): why not
*****99 (7:27:06 AM): i can get used to it!
ladylj81 (7:27:07 AM): cuz i got class
ladylj81 (7:27:16 AM): you can get use to what?
*****99 (7:27:41 AM): calling you baby ! 
ladylj81 (7:27:50 AM): lol um....noladylj81 (7:28:02 AM): 
*****99 (7:28:45 AM): whats up with that honey
ladylj81 (7:29:03 AM): dont call me little pet names because i'm not your girl.
*****99 (7:30:42 AM): 
ladylj81 (7:31:05 AM): why the face?
*****99 (7:36:08 AM): thats sad, your not my girl
ladylj81 (7:38:21 AM): why is that sad?
ladylj81 (7:40:53 AM): look dude be quick about answering cuz i gotta get ready for class
*****99 (7:41:20 AM): cuz i know that you will be a good girl for someone like me!
*****99 (7:41:33 AM): i am at work i can't help it
ladylj81 (7:42:30 AM): ok
ladylj81 (7:42:53 AM): why would i be a good girl for someone like you? and what is "someone like you"?
ladylj81 (7:43:11 AM): you lucky i didnt press that BUZZ if you got speakers, cuz i sure was gonna do that
*****99 (7:43:42 AM): you are a princess!
ladylj81 (7:43:53 AM): and why am i a princess?
*****99 (7:45:29 AM): you beautiful, smart, sexy, strong, talented, God fearing, and innocent
ladylj81 (7:51:06 AM): lol thank you
*****99 (7:51:15 AM): 
ladylj81 (7:51:16 AM): i dont think that i'm sexy tho
ladylj81 (7:51:20 AM): smh
*****99 (7:51:28 AM): i think so!
ladylj81 (7:51:52 AM): in that case i probably would’ve had guys knocking down my door my 5 years here, but i haven’t
*****99 (7:52:40 AM): its all in the way you present yourself.
ladylj81 (7:53:11 AM): lol and i dont think that i do
ladylj81 (7:53:18 AM): present my self to be that
*****99 (7:54:19 AM): you don't present your self as sexy, but classy and the way a woman should be!
*****99 (7:54:38 AM): the sexy in it is discreat
*****99 (7:54:46 AM): i spelled that wrong
ladylj81 (7:55:18 AM): discreet
ladylj81 (7:55:20 AM): i think
ladylj81 (7:55:25 AM): i cant spell my self
*****99 (7:57:30 AM): close enough
ladylj81 (7:57:56 AM): ok
*****99 (7:59:36 AM): when i talk to you sometimes my speech changes cause your personality demands respect.*****99 (8:00:36 AM): i can't talk to you about sex and stuff like that but, i know what ever i talk about i have to be straight up about it.
ladylj81 (8:00:44 AM): yes
ladylj81 (8:00:48 AM): no sex talk
ladylj81 (8:00:56 AM): I’ve never allowed that
ladylj81 (8:01:06 AM): like guys in H.S playing and talking crazy to other girls
ladylj81 (8:01:14 AM): they knew better than to play like that with me
*****99 (8:01:27 AM): they talk the same way in college
ladylj81 (8:01:27 AM): even tho i was quiet and kept to my self, i might’ve cut them or something
ladylj81 (8:01:37 AM): i know guys talk the same way in college
ladylj81 (8:02:02 AM): it's just that in college i haven’t had many males friends that I’d talk to, heck i haven’t had many female friends either, friends period
*****99 (8:02:49 AM): i know personally that your a virgin and i respect that, and don't want to challenge that unless you want me to or i give you a ring?
ladylj81 (8:03:15 AM): why is that a question?
*****99 (8:03:33 AM): its not
ladylj81 (8:03:35 AM): i dont EVER want you to challenge that
ladylj81 (8:03:36 AM): ok
ladylj81 (8:03:45 AM): well it's a question mark at the end of it
*****99 (8:03:46 AM): i wont
ladylj81 (8:03:57 AM): ok
*****99 (8:10:34 AM): sorry bout that, had work
*****99 (8:10:38 AM): to work
*****99 (8:11:42 AM): i will never ask you for you virginity i will only take if you give too me, or if we was to ever get married the way its suppost to be.
*****99 (8:13:02 AM): many female at like sex is precious to them however it seems like they will give it up for anyone that will make them feel al little good.
ladylj81 (8:19:39 AM): Ef that
ladylj81 (8:19:43 AM): you made me miss my bus
ladylj81 (8:19:51 AM): lemme see if i can get ready to catch it
*****99 (8:22:02 AM): et what
*****99 (8:22:23 AM): you better stop cussin
ladylj81 (8:22:35 AM): i didnt cuss i said Ef
*****99 (8:23:05 AM): i thought you had a problem with what i was sayin
ladylj81 (8:23:40 AM): i meant Ef giving some negro something just because he making you feel good
*****99 (8:24:08 AM): well i get off at 8:40
ladylj81 (8:24:58 AM): ok
ladylj81 (8:24:59 AM): ?
ladylj81 (8:25:07 AM): why you telling me that?
*****99 (8:26:00 AM): i will give you a ride!
ladylj81 (8:26:07 AM): i got a ride
ladylj81 (8:26:15 AM): i just called the girl i get a ride to class with
ladylj81 (8:26:30 AM): i was trying to get to campus to type and print something
ladylj81 (8:26:37 AM): I’ll just type it here and print when i get there
*****99 (8:27:33 AM): ok don't say i ain't here for you!
ladylj81 (8:27:46 AM): why do you continue to say that?
ladylj81 (8:27:54 AM): "dont say i'm not here for you"?
ladylj81 (8:27:59 AM): are you joking or something?
ladylj81 (8:28:14 AM): what do you mean and what is your point of always saying that
*****99 (8:28:19 AM): cause i don't think you are aware of that!
ladylj81 (8:28:32 AM): you there...you never answer your phone...
ladylj81 (8:29:04 AM): i might not be calling for anything, just to talk, and those are the times you never pick up
*****99 (8:29:11 AM): i do
ladylj81 (8:30:07 AM): 
*****99 (8:30:27 AM): well lets leave that along
ladylj81 (8:30:36 AM): um yea....
ladylj81 (8:30:40 AM): 
*****99 (8:31:08 AM): so are we gonna hang out to watch the playoffs
ladylj81 (8:31:38 AM): i dont know
ladylj81 (8:31:43 AM): when do they start?
ladylj81 (8:31:54 AM): they start sometime next week dont they
ladylj81 (8:32:00 AM): around the middle or end of April
ladylj81 (8:32:10 AM): Bulls in the playoffs?! yeaaaaaaaaaaaa!
*****99 (8:32:17 AM): yeah next week
*****99 (8:32:20 AM): i know
ladylj81 (8:32:39 AM): I’ve stayed with them since MJ left
ladylj81 (8:32:42 AM): since the 99 lock out
ladylj81 (8:32:48 AM): i haven’t had a chance to watch any games
ladylj81 (8:32:57 AM): but i said they'll make it back and start winning again
ladylj81 (8:33:01 AM): and folks laughed at me
ladylj81 (8:33:05 AM): I’d put that on my BP page
ladylj81 (8:33:12 AM): and people would send me notes laughing at me
*****99 (8:33:17 AM): i know,
*****99 (8:33:38 AM): as long as were together thats all that counts
*****99 (8:33:46 AM): 
ladylj81 (8:33:53 AM): um...no
ladylj81 (8:34:58 AM): 
ladylj81 (8:35:12 AM): i told you that i DONT like you anymore right?
*****99 (8:36:23 AM): you ain't never told me that
*****99 (8:37:09 AM): you just said that you didn't want to be with me now cause you wit someone else and i missed my opertunity
*****99 (8:37:20 AM): 
ladylj81 (8:38:41 AM): lol...
ladylj81 (8:38:49 AM): i'm not with someone else
ladylj81 (8:39:03 AM): but i am kinda talking to someone else
ladylj81 (8:39:22 AM): as of now we're just friends, cuz he dont know what he want, if he dont get it together he'll miss out
ladylj81 (8:39:26 AM): but i still dont like you anymore
*****99 (8:40:18 AM): why is that you don't like me, anymore?
ladylj81 (8:40:51 AM): because after last semester you got on my nerves, just little things
ladylj81 (8:41:01 AM): to top that off i was thinking you was my text message stalker
ladylj81 (8:41:12 AM): which i already apologized for, i dont think that anymore
ladylj81 (8:41:18 AM): but not just that
ladylj81 (8:41:35 AM): you was living with your girlfriend that you didnt mention at all last semester
ladylj81 (8:41:40 AM): that's what messed you up
ladylj81 (8:41:46 AM): *shrugs*
*****99 (8:41:56 AM): i didn't live with her last semester remember
ladylj81 (8:42:15 AM): well the beginning of this semester
*****99 (8:42:21 AM): i just stayed with her for a few weeks this year
ladylj81 (8:42:29 AM): whatever you didnt tell me about her
ladylj81 (8:42:37 AM): she was you girlfriend tho
*****99 (8:42:45 AM): i know
ladylj81 (8:42:47 AM): you never mentioned girlfriend anywhere
*****99 (8:43:02 AM): we wasn’t together last semester
ladylj81 (8:43:21 AM): you said ya'll been dating for a year....
*****99 (8:43:43 AM): but we stop talking for a long time.
ladylj81 (8:43:57 AM): but she was your girlfriend when you needed a place to stay
ladylj81 (8:44:14 AM): you act like you dont want to talk or stop anytime i see you with a girl or a girl in your car
*****99 (8:44:15 AM): something like that
*****99 (8:45:07 AM): get out of here thats not whats up. you can be #1
ladylj81 (8:46:28 AM): who says i want to be your #1
ladylj81 (8:46:30 AM): ?
ladylj81 (8:46:37 AM): i tried to figure you out
ladylj81 (8:46:47 AM): you never said "hey toya, lets go here"
ladylj81 (8:46:58 AM): even when i knew you couldn’t leave your room cuz of your RA job
ladylj81 (8:47:10 AM): i was willing to come over there to hang with you, besides those 2 times i did
ladylj81 (8:47:21 AM): but anytime you either didnt answer your phone or was busy with something
ladylj81 (8:47:45 AM): you never said "hey lets go here, get something to eat, or bowling or something or just sit and talk"
*****99 (8:47:56 AM): i was a very busy person then. i am off work are you sure you don't need a ride.
ladylj81 (8:48:03 AM): hey i'm broke to so i dont have to always "go out" i can just sit and talk
ladylj81 (8:48:24 AM): then you ask me "what you eat, oh well i'm about to go to the dinning hall" ok wth?@that, why ask me
ladylj81 (8:48:32 AM): i got a ride with someone from class
*****99 (8:48:38 AM): LOL 
*****99 (8:49:00 AM): well got to go.
*****99 (8:49:07 AM): call me later
*****99 (8:49:20 AM): i gonna miss you baby 
*****99 (8:49:26 AM): LOL
ladylj81 (8:50:00 AM): dont call me baby
ladylj81 (8:50:14 AM): 
*****99 (8:50:36 AM): i forgot you already got someone to call you that!
ladylj81 (8:50:51 AM): no, i told you he's just a friend
ladylj81 (8:50:55 AM): and he doesn’t call me baby
*****99 (8:50:56 AM): where you get that mean face from?
ladylj81 (8:51:02 AM): none of ya bizniz
ladylj81 (8:51:12 AM): you find the faces for your self sucka
*****99 (8:51:22 AM): i found it
*****99 (8:51:26 AM): now what
ladylj81 (8:51:53 AM):
*****99 (8:52:06 AM): whats that?
*****99 (8:52:40 AM): can't wait to see you honey!
ladylj81 (8:53:13 AM): whatever dude
ladylj81 (8:53:21 AM): stop calling me honey and baby!
*****99 (8:53:24 AM): c u later boo!
ladylj81 (8:53:31 AM): lol dont use boo either
ladylj81 (8:53:33 AM): you punk
*****99 (8:54:06 AM): suga
*****99 (8:54:20 AM): sweety pie
ladylj81 (8:54:22 AM): dont make me slap you
*****99 (8:54:31 AM): honey bunch
*****99 (8:54:37 AM): homie
*****99 (8:55:04 AM): my love
ladylj81 (8:55:14 AM): i am NOT your love
*****99 (8:55:25 AM): baby cakes
ladylj81 (8:55:26 AM): i told you I DONT LIKE YOU
ladylj81 (8:55:47 AM): maybe last semester you could’ve had me, but you was too "busy"
ladylj81 (8:56:15 AM): i dont have time to be waiting on negroes
*****99 (8:56:30 AM): i know my love, but who know what is in line for us!
ladylj81 (8:56:55 AM): i dont know what the heck you're talking about
ladylj81 (8:57:04 AM): Cuz God aint told me nothing of the sort
ladylj81 (8:57:13 AM): he didnt say nothing about me and you and whats in line for us
*****99 (8:57:46 AM): he hasn’t had the chance to speak to us yet
ladylj81 (8:58:22 AM): 
ladylj81 (8:58:25 AM): i gotta go mike bye
*****99 (8:58:28 AM): can i have hug later
*****99 (8:59:02 AM): when i see you
ladylj81 (8:59:20 AM):
*****99 (8:59:32 AM): your mean
*****99 (8:59:42 AM): 
*****99 (9:00:01 AM): i gots to go
ladylj81 (4:24:25 PM): i am NOT mean!
Happy Late Easter and alot of other stuff...
...ok let's try this again....it is 3:20pm...i wrote about two chapters to a book earlier this morning around 1:30am, but i accidentally delete all of it when i tried to highlight and copy it so that i didnt lose it...but i accidentally hit a key, well my mouse hit something and it erased everything...i was SO pissed off....now if i can remember all that i talked about, i guess i can start from Easter....
Church was good on Resurrection Sunday....a lot of CME members, as my pastor back home and pastor at school call them...you know, Christmas, Mother's Day, Easter members, lol...he was just teasing though when he said that, i hope no one got offended by it, because most of us probably all have been CME members at one point in our life....i probably wasnt quite that when I was younger, but i was probably more of a once a month church goers, or every 2 months....it depended on when my mama decided to go to church, and when she was able to get some rest from work because she worked so much....The service was good, it was a good word, talking about letting God and letting Jesus roll those stones away in our life, because we can't do it ourselves...i forgot which book, chapter, and verse that was from, i think Luke 24:1-6....but it was good...after that i went out to eat with a couple of people from church to AppleBee's since no one cooked.....
Tuesday after Easter, my best friend came down to visit me. This was her first time ever coming down to visit me in my 5 years of being here.....we havent always been best friends, but we've known each other since 5th grade....i guess as we've gotten older, the closer we've become, especially with experiences happening in our lives....about a month ago her mother kicked her step father out...he was being abusive toward her mother and sometimes and very in appropriate towards her....she held it all in all the years i've known her and never told me until a month ago when her step father was kicked out....she told me that he would say inappropriate things to her but never sexually molested her....i was sadden by that, i just wish she wouldve told me....not so that i could be nosey, but so that she didnt have to carry that burden all by her self...she always feel that she has to be strong for everyone else thats he doesnt allow her self to cry and just let everything out....
anyways she stayed down here from Tuesday to Friday night....i was hoping that she wouldnt be bored, which i hope she wasnt, but i dont do much, since i dont go out...i do hang with my friends from church, and we go out to eat or to the movies or to each other's house....so that night my cousin took us to wal-mart after she got off the train to get something to eat since i was broke because my account got over drawn....so wednesday since bible study was canceled and we didnt go with my church to this baptist convention thing, we went to the mall then out to eat with one of the girls from church, a little later some of the folks that went to the convention came back into town and came to eat at, you guessed it, Applebee's with us....She went to class with me during this week on Wed. and on Thursday my teacher didnt want to let her in class, why i dont know....on thurs. night we went to see these 3 short student plays that were about 30 minutes each....the first two were pretty good, but the last one made no sense what so ever...after the play we went to go bowling...she wanted me to call yellow man since she met him when i asked him to pick us up (which i wasnt gonna call,b ut she said to call so she can see him, and she sure did say he needed a bleaching kit, lol)....she wanted him to come and bring a friend so that we could have some company while bowling, and to take us to eat afterwards...i really didnt wanna talk to him....and he kept saying that we could go get him something to eat, but she was like he has the car...then he kept asking if i was cooking and i said no.....i refuse to cook for that negro, and the mistake i made before was cooking (which the fish i made didnt turn out so good) before and inviting him over....that was last semester, and he didn’t call me or nothing for like a week and a half, then he decided to pop up at my apartment at like 11:45pm, which I didn’t appreciate…so he was getting on my nerves and getting annoying, and he was also annoying my friend….i guess she could see why I really didn’t like talking to him, and she was like “I tried to stickup for him, but I cant anymore”…she’s the one that kept telling me to maybe give him a chance cuz he seems like a nice guy, but I know that I dont like him like that anymore…..so we went bowling by our selves and out to eat at this pizza place….
On Friday, she went to class with me again, and we later went to wal-mart and to choir rehearsal…….after choir rehearsal, we all went out (me, her, and some of the choir) to eat at this place called Showmee’s….that place is ridiculous…I guess it’s kinda like a Hooters, and the girls are dressed in these skanky hot pants that looks a mess on them cuz they don’t have a shape, as my cousin’s husband says “There’s nothing but a bunch of flat booty white girls there”…lol@him….so we went there and ate and joked and we had fun….so hopefully she’ll see that I do have fun and will come down again, cuz she was just clowning along with my friends from church too….i mean just cuz we go to church and don’t go out to the club to kick it or to the parties, doesn’t mean that we don’t have fun….we just have fun being around each other….So we go on the bus after that, which was a hour late, ugh I hate the Greyhound, to go to STL….
We went to STL to go to my 2nd cousin’s, on my mama’s side, wedding….it was a beautiful wedding…he’s in the Marines and they’re about to be stationed on some island….his wife and her whole family were just natural, more than 60% of them had locs and or a fro of some sort, which was fascinating to me because I’ve never seen a whole family of black folks wear their natural hair…and guess who was supposed to sing there but didn’t show! Erykah Badu! The bride is really good friends with her, bestfriends I think, but she wasn’t able to make it…they met in college or something…but the lady they had to replace her did a good job…but I didnt know E.Badu was supposed to sing at the wedding until afterwards, because before they only told us that a celebrity was gonna be there, and my friend guess Teena Marie or someone like that….
We had fun at the wedding, but my mama’s sister was trying to make everyone mad…her attitude is horrible and she holds onto a lot of things from the past that she needs to let go dealing with my grandma….i know that my grandma wasn’t the best person to raise kids….she has 9 kids, been married 7 or 8 times, I think twice to 2 guys, the last marriage, which was last year, was to my grandfather for the 2nd time, after 35+ years of divorce…they got back together like 3-4 years ago….anyways, she was also a partier and drinker….so she wasn’t the best person to raise children…so I’m not making any excuses for her…but my aunt tries to make it seem like she was overly mean to her and not to anyone else…saying that’s he didn’t feed her or buy her anything…now all the kids are back to back in age, my aunt and one of my uncles are born in the same year….and they were both premature….so they were all always together…and from what my mama and all her other sisters and brothers are saying, they’re saying that my aunt is over exaggerating…my mama even said that she bought her sister clothes when she got a job…she’s been saying all these things about my grandma, and which some are true, but other things are not……but until my grandma admit her wrongs, then this might continue….but she also needs to let go since she proclaims to be this super Christian, holier than thou person….that complaining spirit and evil and anger in her heart isn’t gonna get her anywhere….it was just like there was a dark shadow or something over her…and she tried to engage everyone else in her complaining and anger, that we had to walk away…..she was getting smart and rude with my grandma that a few of us were like we might have to kick her behind…..she was making a bigger thing out of nothing, and was being real loud and ghetto, which is something I really hate….anyways, all I can do is pray for her…now I know I complain, but she was making me not ever want to complain ever again, I mean it was that bad….she has such a negative attitude and a low self esteem, and just the stuff she was doing and saying, me, my mama, my best friend, my brother, and my great aunt was like she has a problem….she said that no one wanted her there, but the only reason no one would want her there is because of her attitude….so all I can do is lift her up in prayer….my best friend got a ride back home to Chicago with my mama, and I got back on the Greyhound bus to c’dale…..
My mama was upset yesterday because her computer was acting up and she needed to type her paper before she went to bed to go to work, i think it had a virus or something, or alot of adware on it, that it wasnt allowing her to type her paper because pop ups kept popping up....and it was hard to know what the problem was since we were talking on the phone since we're 6 hours away form each other...she was so upset that i can tell she had started crying...talking about she's gonna drop her class.....she got her job back, but they did her bogus...instead of putting her back on her originally schedule, they put her to work from 4am-12:30pm....when she has class from 8am-11am....so she had to talkw ith her teachers and switch one class to a online class, and the other one to a Sat. class...she decided to drop the Sat. class which is spanish since the teacher recomended her to, and now she wants to drop the online English class....i told her not to, but she was about to cry...she was already upset about going back to work since it messed up her class schedule, but i'm like it's only a month left, so stick it out...it seems that everytime she's tried to go to school, either when it was when her and my father were married, once they got a divorce, and when i was starting my first year or college, and even last semester, sometime alwas come up that she had to stop going to school....she's been tryng to finish up college since i was little, and hasnt been able to, whether because she didnt have anone to watch us while she went to school, or with her work schedule...i told her that i'm not going to let her quit, and that it's just the devil trying to throw a wrench up in everything, but we will not let him win....Satan is so dirty......i cant stand him....but i will continue to encourage her so that she can finish school...and hopefully within the next 2 years she'll be able to get that associate's finally, and finish her 4 year degree within the next 5-6 years...she's just 41, about to be 42, so it's never too late...i calmed her down and she said she'll talkt o her teacher to turn it in late, and go to bed for work..i dont want her to give up, so i just have to be strong for her since she's the one always trying to be strong....
Now yesterday was my best friends b-day (happy 23rd birthday friend!), and she’s going through a lot…like I said before her mama kicked her step father out and has a restraining order against him…but he still comes by their house knocking on the door for the last month, and he got arrested yesterday…so yesterday, she got a letter from her REAL father who’s in GA that she never met! Just like a few days ago we were talking about her finding her real father, and just look at what happened yesterday! So I told her maybe it was ment for her to find him, since God allowed him to find her…he sent her pictures of her, and him holding her from her 3rd birthday, and she looks just like him…anytime before her mother would never tell her anything about him, so she just kinda gave up on it, but last week she was wondering if she should or not, and I told her to go for it…but he found her…he hasn’t seen her in 20 years…I don’t know the whole situation, if her mama took her from him, or if they didn’t have a good relationship or what….but she scanned the pics and emailed them to me and I got to see them…she also read the letter he sent her…then after like 5 minutes, she started crying…I never heard her cry before…she started crying before her lil sister came in the room and told her that her mother was writing a living will…..she started crying because she figured that her mother was writing that because she thought something was going to happen to her, especially since her step father got arrested because her mother called the cops on him….i told her nothing will happen….so I need to keep them lifted up in prayer and not doubt that God will protect them…but her mother isn’t taking the precautions that’s he should…its just a mess….i cant be around men that act like that because my mama always told me that if a man say some crazy stuff or tries to hit you, or if he does beat on you, get away from him, because there’s no telling what he might do, and if he gets mad cuz you take the kids away or say’s that he’ll kill you, then believe him….my father stabbed my mother in her sleep, so I know, and she was soooooooooo hurt that he did that to her afterwards and she went into a deep depression for a long time…so I tell my friend to tell her mother to take this serious, and she’s like she’s not, and she don’t know what she’ll do if she lose her mother and have to take car of her younger bro and sis….so she was crying and I tried to calm her down over the phone, and her lil bro and sis tried to in her room, and I think she’s gonna be ok….she called her real father and left him a voice mail, so hopefully things will work out for her….
ok i know that this post is already getting helluva long and i dont think it was originally this long when i wrote it earlier this morning, but now since i'm woke i can write out everything that happened....so, while she was here, she talked to "James" on he phone since she could see that i was upset when i was talking to him, though i kept telling him and her that i wasnt....i dont know, i guess we will just remain friends....and i know that i will just have to deal with that....i mean i care for him a whole lot, maybe too much, but i do....since he seems to not be ready to really date, or just confused about everything, i figured that i'd give him a breather...though i havent really been talking to him as of late since about 2 weeks ago when i got upset with him when we talked about just being friends or not....it seems to me that he could be holding out for this girl that he actually seems to like more since he's been trying to get with her and just talking to me, cuz once she finally give him the go ahead, he might just go with her, but since she's confusing him, he's just like whatever...or maybe that isnt the case....so i guess i just need to keep my options open like my friend said....and i mean i like him, so i dont really see anyone that i want to get to know...i mean i see cute guys on the campus, but i pretty much stay to my self, and no one really comes up to try to talk to me like that...or maybe i should just stop worrying about dating, and before i know it, someone will come along that's really for me, someone that i dont have to worry about if they like me or not, or keep explaining to them that i like them because they dont understand why....i guess if i have to stop trying to date him or ask him about dating in order to save our friendship then i would...i really care for him, and i dont want to lose him as a friend....i wish i could talk to him, which i did on Sat. for like 3 min, but he didnt call back...i know he has work and all though....but i wish i had him to talk to him, because he listens and give me some insight on some things....and if i just have to be friends with him in order to not lose his friendship then i would, and leave all the dating stuff along with him, because it would hurt like hell if i couldnt talk to him anymore...and he'll be just like all the other guys and people that stopped talking to me....i dont know why, but that seems to always happen....just when i thought i was being able to talk to guys, now this with "James"...so i guess we're just friends, especially since he didnt get back to me...but why like someone and care for them when they dont like you the same way back...i'm putting way more energy into this than i should be doing....
but i havent been able to talk to him about all this stuff going on, so i guess thats why i typed it on my blog, even though i sure didnt feel like blogging, as you can see i havent been doing so consistently....well now it's 4:22, dang, it took me a hour to type all of this up...i guess that's about all i have to type...i have a 8 page paper due friday for my African American Theater class....and we have to use August Wilson's "The Ground on which i stand" and an article from his rival, Robert Brusten...we also have to use Leroi Jones, aka Amir Baraka's "The Dutchman" and "Revolutionary Theater"...also an article on the Black Arts Movement, and an article by my teacher....i have my light board opt. assignment coming up too at the end of the month....then may 13th is the last day of classes! yea!!! i am not graduating this May like i said before, and it has been pushed back to December since i just need that directing class...but it's all good....i was gonna walk in May but there isnt a single hotel left in c'dale now, so i just had to push it to Dec. since thats when i'm going to be finished anyways, and so that my family will have a place to stay....Illinois lost as well all know....i really dont care, because they took our coach (Bruce Webber), but that's ok...and no i'm not hating, i'm a disliker maybe, but not a hater....but Bruce Webber did a heck of a job with those boys, and he deserves his props for that...thats the same thing he did here at SIU when he got our team to the Sweet 16 back in 2002 and to the tourney the next year, and they've been in every year since the.....anyways, it's time for me to go, and try to go catch this bus back home, i'll post later :-) and if ANY of ya'll read this post to the bottom, then yea!!! for you! cuz it's too damn long, but i talk alot..... if you dont then you're a sucka! :-)
