update: i feel like i'm going back to a familiar place...
...which isn't a good thing. i'm trying my best not to sink back to any funk or depression because of my break up. it's been almost 2 months, well a month and a half. i should be over it right? wrong. well i guess i'm slowly getting over it, but it still hurts. at least i'm not crying as much anymore, but sometimes i have the urge to cry when i think about it. i'm going to my ex's graduation this weekend and it's going to be really hard and ackward, but i need to look my best and be cool as if nothing is bothering me and that i've moved on.i mean it probably is the best thing that i move on. i mean the relationship in the long run probably wouldn't have worked. i was trying to get serious about God and he wasn't. he wanted me to do things and sometimes pressured me to do things sexual when i didn't want to. i mean i did because it felt good, but when i would try to stop, there'd go that temptation. i'm just glad i still haven't had intercourse yet, that would've made things way worse.
when i think about a couple of blogs i wrote on here wondering about us trying to be in a relation ship or not, or even after we were, whether we should break up or not, those should have been warning signs. at least i wouldn't have gotten so deep as i did at the time we broke up. maybe i should've made a clean break back then.
i'm not sure if i loved him, but i feel that i did. i had love for him, and i cared for him dearly. he is a sweet, nice and caring person, but he is very sarcastic. the was one of the major things that i didn't like about him. he also had a low self esteem like me, so i don't know how that was going to work. we both didn't think highly of ourselves, but we tried to make each other feel better about our selves. weird uh?
he's way more into hip-hop than i am, and i'm more into gospel and other soul music, tho he loves soul music too. tho he was kinda shy, he was a lil bit more out going than me. it was hard since he's had sex before, though he was a late bloomer like me, to hold out, but he said that wasn't the reason we broke up. he just doesn't know what he wants to do with his life. he did say however that the night of the day we broke up, eh was wondering if he made the biggest mistake of his life, but he thinks it ws meant that we broke up, so he doesn't think that it's mistake.
thinking back, i should've known that things wouldn't have worked. all of the clues were there. i might not had a good feeling about things or whatever. one day i had a bad dreamw hen i was at his house that he killed someone. that freaked me out, but i think the dream was because i was reading "Native Son", and i dreamed that he cut someone's head off just like bigger did int he book. that was weird to me, and i told him about that. he was like wtf you dreaming like that. i just chalked it up to being the book that caused that dream, but hey, who knows. that doesn't mean that i think he'd ever hurt me or someone else, but it creeped me out for a while and i didn't feel comfortable with him at first just because of that dream. everything was fine until i had that dream. some weeks later i felt better, but i guess that was always in the back of my mind.
which brings me to him never opening up. i felt like i loved him, but he didn't feel the same way about me. i wanted him to open up and share his self with me, but he didn't. when we broke up, we sat up and talked for about 2-3 hours. i guess he doesn't open up to me because he's still holding onto stuff fromh is very first relationship. a girl who was his first when he was 21 who broke up with him and broke his heart. i wished that he would let that hurt go and i hoped that i could make his hurt go away, but i couldn't. he's still holding onto that, and he wont allow anyone else into his heart. that made me mad. it's like he didn't trust me with his heart. i opened up to him alot. shared things i aint told no one else but my pastor (and a few random people online that i don't actual know), that happened to me in the past. i felt like a open book, but he didn't be open with me in the same way. i would've never hurt him, or at least would've tried my damnest to never hurt him. i just wanted him to love him and have him to love me, but it was one sided.
i don't know if that means he didn't love me at all. i think he did like me, or does, but like a very good friend, like family. not like being inlove with someone and wanting to spend the rest of your life with them. he said he cares about me alot and my well beings and what happens to me, but it hurt still because he didn't love me the way i loved him.
so i'm still trying to get over this, after a month and a half later. i've been reading this book "How to get over a break up in 30 days". i'm not sure if it's been much of a good help, but it's something to do so i can take my mind off of him. plus it ddoes have some good tips. i'm only on day 18 now. he wants to remain friends, but i'm not sure if i want to. i said no at first, then told him i wasn't mad, but realized that i still am. i've been limiting my time talking with him. i don't allow himt o joke with me no more because i don't feel like we're cool like that anymore. he called me to tell me he got his self a new car, and i was like ok. it would've been good if he had a car when we was together, so we wouldn't have been ont he bus, but i wasn't after him because he had a car or not, i just liked being with him.
so he has this new car, and still working his new job and is about to graduate and maybe moving back home. he has his friends and it seems that he's cool with things and is moving on. i guess it's easier for him to move on because he didn't have the same feelings i did and he was the one who broke up with me. i hate it that he's doing well while i'm still up here feeling sad and alone.
thus the title of my blog. i feel all alone, kinda like back to where i started. after all of this growth and stuff i've done over the years, i thought that being in a relationship may help with some of my problems but it didn't. it was just a temporary cure. i still feel all alone with no friends. well i guess i do have friends and associates, but right now i have no one to call who would fully understand me. i thought that i had that in my ex, but now that we're broken up, i feel like i have no one. my so called best friend is no one to depend on, and our views aren't the same. she can be really negative sometimes. all of my church friends from down at school, i haven't talked to them in forever. my cousin don't call me to talk to me. and my friend who just finished law school and moved here is too busy studying for the bar to talk, and i don't feel like we have nothing else in common except for just the one class we took together in undergrad.
i hate this feeling of loneliness. i say that i feel like i'm back to where i started, but i know i've come a long way so i'm not exactly the same. it just feels like i am sometimes. i just dont want to sink all the way back into depression and whatever else i use to do that i should've have been doing. i feel like i've come too far. i haven't been so serious about God and church, and i feel lost. when i was serious about God i felt so much better.
i thought about if my ex wanted to get back together, and i don't know if i could if he wanted to. i don't rust him. i dont trust him because i feel like he'd never open up to me, and that he flirted too much in the past, he's so secretive about his myspace, and that he broke my heart and already planned on breaking up with me 2 weeks prior to us breaking up. maybe a miraculous change could happen in the both of us, just like with my cousin and her husband, or maybe not.
my cousin and her husband use to be a mess when they first started dating my first year of college. they use to smoke, drink, party. he pretty much used her the first few years of their dating, and they broke up and he told her that he never loved her. she was so hurt from that. after she stopped paying him any mind, he started to try to come around because he saw what he was missing and that she wasn't worried about him anymore. she was so mean to him, lol, but that's what he get. he was falling in love with her while she was falling out of love with him. they eventually got back together, and they're both 2 different people. God changed them ALOT, i saw the transformation from 2000 up until now in 2007, and it's amazing. maybe that can happen for me and my ex, buti doubt it.
also i remember how he told me that he went to his ex girlfriend house while they were still dating and her baby's daddy was in the hallway of the building and him and this dude punked him. hit him. my ex said that he didn't fight back. now i didn't know what to say to that, i was thinking like is he a punk? he didn't fight back. but i didn't tell himt hat cuz i didn't want to hurt his feelings. i felt sorry for him because he is a nice guy and was quiet, so he never really got into a fight, just like i never did. i felt like i wanted to protect him and love him, and not let no one hurt him. i guess that's just how i am with my family too, especially my brother. when he seemed weak when we were younger, i wanted to fight for him. i felt like that with my ex, when he told me that story, he said he didn't want to fight because he didn't know if they had a gun or not, because they was some rough necks. also he thinks that his girlfriend at the time was still messing with the baby daddy. smh, why would he go for a girl like that and not a good girl like me? smh.
anyways thinking about that would make me think "well damn, if we was together and did get married, would he be man enough to protect me and our family, or would he punk out because he got scared and didn't want to get beat up. i didn't dare ask him that because i didn't want to question his manhood, and i don't know if i was a guy, or even as a girl int hat situation, if i would just let it ride to get out of that situation, or fight back and let it possibly esculate to something even more and dangerous. i dont know, but i thought about that alot.
well his graduation is this weekend, and i will be going. i got my hair dyed, i've been going crazy trying to figure out what to wear. i didn't really want to buy nothing new, but since i've gained weight since last summer, i can't really fit none of my clothes. i was going to buy something, but i didn't see anything summery looking that i liked in the stores. so i think i'm going to wear a dress i bought last summer and wear a girdle to hold me in. i have been working out now for the last 5 weeks, tho i missed today. though i haven't lost any weight, i do feel healthier, and i'm going to continue to work out.
my initial goal was to lose 20 lbs by the time i go to my ex graduation, but i haven't lost anything. i think i might've tightened up a lil. i know that wasn't the best motivation, but i figured it was something. i just need to loose weight for my self, not for him. and it wasn't because he called me fat, because he's a lil over weight too, but i just wanted to look real good and make him jealous, though i knew that wouldn't make him want me back. however, id idn't lose weight, but i did try the dress on from last summer and if i say so my self, i do look damn good, lol. i'm getting this girl to twist my hair next week, with my new brown high lights, and i'll be wearing brown, and have my legs out, and put on a lil make up, i'll be looking cute, and i don't care if he notice or not now, because that's not what it should be about. it should be about me knowing i look good and feeling good about my self.
i have a longing to make new friends. it seems as if everyone has new friends but me. my brother has his girlfriend. my ex has his friends. my so called best friend has her friend she hangs with alot, and one of my friends who down at school that moved here has alot of new friends and he looked as though he was having fun from the facebook pics he was tagged in. but me, no, i just go to work full time and go work out, and come on. i feel like i have no life. i wanted to work out to lose weight yes, but also to have something to do. all of my time before was spent with the ex, now it's like i dont know what to do with my self. that's sad. i feel like i lost my self in him, when even he his self told me not too.
i need to pick up something else to do. i've been thinking about learning how to crochet (sp). i want to make il scarfs and stuff. i've been reading alot more books lately, even before me and my ex broke up, and now i've been getting into doing sudoku puzzles. i need alot mroe stuff to take my attention off of him.
oh yeah, i forgot that say that i did eventually go to see "The Color Purple" wioth him, tho that was ackward as hell. it was like 2 weeks after we broke up. it made me SO sad. he was trying to talk to me and be civil, but i didn't want to. i was hurt and angry inside, tho i was the one that told him that he's going to take me. he probably thinsk i'm crazy now. i haven't in about 3-4 weeks, but after we broke up, i'd call him telling himt o explain to me why we broke up, and why he didn't know what he wanted to do with his life. it all didn't make sense to me. i'd sit up and cry and shout and yellk at him while he was on the other end of the phone. he let me do it too. i don't know why he let me do that, i guess because he felt guilty. he even said that when the last few girls broke up with him, they didn't let him ask questions as to why they broke up. but i wanted to know, i needed answers.
what he fails to understand is that this was my first real boyfriend/girlfriend relationship. this was very special to me and meant alot. he was special to me, so of course it was going to be hard as hell. what did he think? i don't know why he even got involved with me when he knew this was going to be hard and that i was going to get so attached. smh
i keep trying to tell my self that i'm better without him, and that he's b etter with out me, and that we'll both be happy late on. he might be happy, but i'm having a hard time convincing my self that i'll be happy. i was just thinking earlier before i started this blog that what if he brought a new girl he's talking to to his graduation. what if he's already seeing someone? what if he already started fucking each and every heffa and hoe because he can and because he couldn't get none from me? thinking about that makes me angry and sad, but i know i shouldn't waste my time on thinkin about that. even the book i'm reading says not to waste time on thinking about those things. it's wasted energy. then i think about what if he finds someone and is really happy. why didn't it work out with me and him then? even tho he keeps saying that it's him, not me, it still make's me feel like there was something i was missing....
but i shouldn't think like that. he doesn't want me, and he's not going to be worried about me, so i need to live my life. i could not even think about him, and just think about the much better and more handsome man that God's going to send for me. i can convience m y self that my ex wasn't no good for me because he wanted me to do things that was against my belief. because he was always sarcasti. because he probably would'nt have been man enough to protect me. because he could be crazy and that wierd dream i had was a forshadowing. or because he was messy and junky (well i am to sometimes, but he had a small apartment, and i was over, he had to keep it clean) and didn't want to clean up when i asked him to cuz i was in his space too....or cuz he just wasn't as clean as i wanted him to be, because he put his self down too much, he didn't believe in his self with finishing school....because his penis was small (lol, i would probably never tell him that, but i guess it was just average, i haven't seen many, and yes i seen it even tho we didn't go all the way), and that i didn't like how he sluched and have what looks like a small hump forming in his back....the lil bumps in the back of his head that he doesn't want to get checked out that making him go bald...the eczema he seems to have that he dont want to get checked out. the stomach problems he have...the health problems period...etc, etc, etc....
all of these reasons could be reasons that he wasn't good for me....i dont want to tell him some of these reasons because i don't want to hurt his man hood or his ego, but i wouldn't, but i could to be spiteful and mean, but i don't want to hurt him. even when i was getting on him while we was breaking up and he was getting sad, i didn't want him to hurt, tho he already done hurt me....i'm weird like that...
i guess the reason after all of that rambeling that i remained in the relation is because iw as scared of being alone and scared of being back in this place of loneliness. now that the boyfriend is gone, i have to be faced with being by my self yet again. i went through all of high school and college without a boyfriend. the guys that i tried to talk to didn't work out, and i was extremely shy. i don't want to go through all of the ackwardness again. i dont want the loneliness again. i want some compainionship and some hugs and kisses and to cuddle. i'm really going to miss all of that. i do know that i need time to heal from this break up before i even try to jump into an ything else. even before i started getting involved with my ex, i think things went and moved too fast. i just stopped talking to a guy who was lying to me about over a year....i should've took time to heal from that, tho that didn't mean as much to me as my relationship with my ex boyfriend...but still, either way, i need time to heal....
oh well, i guess i need to start writing in this blog more. the book i'm reading sugessted that i write more, which i need to do. i mean hey, it's what i use to do back when i first started blogging. this was my venting blog. i don't wanna post this on myspace cuz i don't want him to read this or anyone else i actually know.
anyways, it's time for bed so i can get up and practice driving so i can try to get my license next weekend. also so that i can get up and go to work at this crappy job i hate so much but am greatful to have because of the money. anyways, i know this is a long ass blog, lol, but i needed to get alot out, lol....holla! :-)
