Stressed
i dont know what the hell is wrong with me or what's going on. Folks have been pissing me off and i have been easily irritated as of late. no i dont think it's aunt flow or anything like that. It's just too much going on. if it's not this it's that, if it's not that it's this. School is really getting at me, and some other things. The same directing class that i took a year ago and am retaking now is ruining my life it seems. i shouldn't even have picked a play with so many black actors, but i really liked the play. The reason i say that is because there is only a hand ful of black folks int he theater department, but i wanted to do something that wouldn't be done either. our teacher is stressing us out. we had pretty much only 2 weeks to get our scenes together. i was lucky enough to find my actors, all but one, then i finally found him. my teacher originally told us that we'd do our scene on Sunday, Sept. 25th at 6pm, since that was the time everyone could meet. this past Tuesday he dropped a bomb on us.My teacher told us, well because of a few people in class complaining, that we wouldnt be able to do our scenes this Sunday since it is tech week this week for the play they're doing this week called "Our Town" which i know many of ya'll heard of before. See in our department, when they do the tech rehearsal on Sat. and Sun. before the show, they are there from 11am until about 11pm. they do have a dinner and lunch break, but since there's no guarentee that they'd have their dinner break at 6pm, people in the class who picked actors who are either in the cast for "Our Town" or doing crew for the show, might not be able to do the original time. The only other time was either before it, today, on Thursday at 12midnight, or Monday at 12mindnight. Since i didnt feel my actors were ready, i pushed for Monday, though some other folks were ready for Thursday. I warned 3 of the actors that it could be at 12am if he decided to since that's a time everyone could meet, especially since they have rehearsal until the start of the show this Wednesday until 11pm. This sucks. So yes, Monday night i will be doing my scene at 12 midnight and will not be out of there until 2am Tuesday morning. 2 hours, maybe 3.
Because of this, one of my actors, who i worked with this summer with that theater camp i did, can not make it. He did commit to it and said he would, but that's when it was on a sunday. I'm kinda pissed at him beause he said that he'd do it, but i can't be because he works a hour away at a college, so he more than likely got to be there by 8am. But Tuesday morning he has a conference in Missouri somewhere about 2 hours away and he has to present. So i can't be mad at him, the man has to do his job. So i'm struggling trying to find someone else. I called my teacher's cell to tell him and he's like "well find another actor" i'm like "why can't i just do it on Sunday?" He said that that's his free day. Nigga (and i dont even like that word) What to Fuck!?!?! after he made us do our final last semester on a Sunday that was mothers day and he's telling me that's his free day? Get the heck out of here. See, they got me cussing and i don't even cuss, and been trying not to, but i'm so pissed off. So stressed. I see the devil is busy. This guy at church said he could do it, and this girl at church possibly could, so i have someone. The thing is they don't know the lines. My teacher told me that they need to do it even if they have to have the script up there with them. Since the character i'm missing isnt a main character, and sort of like a narrator, i decided to have him to read a news paper witht he script in that. Hopefully it will work and ake it less obvious about the script being there. My teacher told me that if they have the script there, they still have to act it out. God please help me!
In other news, my other classes are pretty much fine besides this one. My PE teacher for my Weight Controll class is crazy! she be pushing us like heck when more than half the class isn't physically fit to just bust out and run, even the skinny ones ain't fit. One girl had to take her asthma inhaler out and she was little. Yesterday we walked around the campus and she was walking so fast, the class was just trailing behind her. She was looking like she was mad at us. I just walked at a steady pace. My knees already be hurting, so i'm not trying to hurt more. In m dance class yesterday my teacher told me i had a hyper-extended (sp) knee. I was told that this summer when i went tot he sports medicine office on campus. I can't just stand straight, well i can, but my knee goes past straight and slightly bends the opposite way of how it would normally bend, if that makes since. They say it's common in women, and means that you have weak knee's. I use to wonder why i sometimes stand like that, but i thought it was normal, so i never really noticed it. You wouldn't notice it since it's a slight bend, unless you knee what it was and was looking really hard. She noticed it because we had to do out Plies but i couldn't put my feet together a the heal because or that or som ish, so she told me to bend my knee's slightly for now on.
the 18 year old never called back, though i seen him in the student center yesterday ont he way to bible study. i told him he stood me up. i agreed to go get pizza with him since i felt that thatw as fare, since i wasn't going to watch movies and order pizza with hima t his mama's house, uh uh, no way! I still think it's a joke, or maybe he got over his little crush. he told me he'd call me, yea sure.
My friend, that get's on my nerves, that i like, but he don't like me like that no more, and don't want to be in a relationship with me because he's not ready and i wont have sex, is really bugging me. He say's one thing like he don't like me, but his actions are different like he does. I mean i've really have grown to have deep feelings for him, and so has he, so he said, talking about he was falling for me too hard, though it seems like he has something different to say all the time. I don't want to say that i'm in love because i don't know what love is. I've never been in love. Maybe i'm in love now, who know's. I mean i've liked him for a while, but i'd always push him away. Maybe now since i'm ready he's like forget it, and don't even want to try. He also said something about school and trying to concentrate on that since he's graduating in the spring. That doesn't mean that i'll be available then, though i may be, but that doesn't mean i will want him. It seems like as of lately my feelings have gotten stronger and stronger for him. Maybe it's just a really bad crush, maybe it's just an infacuation (sp), but who knows. Maybe it's because we were like really into each other this summer and i don't want that feeling to end. I don't want it to be a summer fling. Maybe it's because i dont want to be alone and i want someone to hug and kiss and make out with and hold me. Maybe i just need the attention and affection. Maybe it's because we've been intimate (something that probably shouldnt have happened on numerous occassions, but don't worry i'm still a virgin). i mean i just don't know. maybe i'm just emotionally attached already, not from sex, but from the intimacy. Maybe it's because i don't want to be alone at night and i want someone there with me. Maybe it's because i've spent a night at his house before when i said i wouldn't do that. Maybe it's because he spent a night at my house a week and a half ago. Maybe i don't want to sleep by my self now because i like the way it feels for someone being in bed with me. I know i shouldn't do that shacking stuff, but it feels good to have someone next to you and just to feel warm and hear their heart beating. maybe i'm just some type of romantic and make things out to be more than they are.
Maybe i really am in love and can see us together. i liked him when i first seen him, when we first met in our building we were living in. We've been friends ever since. It was weird the way we met. Maybe somewhere down the line there be a chance for us. Or maybe it's because i dont think i have a chance to be with anyone else so i don't want to let him do. That's not good, i know that, and i know there will be someone from me, but who and where is he at? maybe i just don't want to be alone, and just the first guy who comes along is who i wan't to keep. I don't want to be that way though! i told my self i never would do that when i was younger, heck, some months ago i've said that. But i've never been in a situation like this, and the feelings are strong. It's weird. Just going through something like this at 23 going on 24. Good thing i don't have sex, because it probably would be crazier. I asked him yesterday because i was curious, and i know folks wouldve told me not to, but i ask questions because i just GOT TO know the answer. I asked if he loved me. And his voice changed like he didn't want to answer. I wanted to know. Not just if he loved me or not in that way, but if it was like agape (sp) style love like a friend. He said yes to that, but not to the other type of love. The love that you'd have for someone you wanted to be with. and i didn't like the answer. I told him that i think it would be easier for me to just stop talking to him for a while. He asked why, because he said he calls me to talk to me, but it's hard for me. I try to ignore his calls or don't call him, which i do, and was doing this weekend, but i have to know how he is, since i worry, and iw as wondering why he called me so many times. Once at 2am and once at 5am when he know i got church in the morning. I think he got mad because i wouldn't spend a night at his house this past Friday. See what i said? He say one thing but do another. That at cool. I can't be used. He said he's not, but i'm started to feel like it is, but when i want to spend the night too, then, but see that's not a good idea. That could get me in situations i dont want to be in. *sighs* I guess i just want to be in love and that's my problem. Toya, you need to get it together and slow down. I have to make my self not call him and avoid him until i'm cool with just being friends with him. I mean wen i had a crush on him before and told my self forget him, it was easier then, but now since feelings have gone deeper, it's hard.
Let's see, what else is happening. Well i wrote a skit for the women's day service at my church this Sunday. It took forever to find actors, but i found some. I couldn't rehearse with them because i had to rehearse with my actors for my class, and the two scenes where going to be at the same time, though that's changed now since my teacher changed it, so now i'm able to see them act out my scene. Some people didnt really want to do it, but i asked them. Some did want to do it. I didn't want to have nothing to do with it since i gotta concentrate on class, but the woman from church that asked me to do it kept pushign me to ask people when i wanted her to do it for her self. Everything was kinda last minute, especially since i didnt have the scene done in time, but i didnt know what to write. I have to be in the mood to write. She didn't tell me exactly what to write about, and i didn't know if it should corespond with the scripture that's the theme for the day. I wouldve went to rehearsal today since i got out early with my actors for my class, but they might not have still been there. I guess i'll see it when everyone else see it on Sunday. The actors for that are kind of irritating me, but i can't blame them, they're busy too. I asked for the theme scripture back in the summer so i couldve got started writing it then, but they didnt give it to me until a month ago. I's only 10 minutes, and i could write something that short quickly, but when i have other stuff due, and school, and work, and not in the mood for writing, i can't produce anything. i don't even know if it's any good. It's about women gossiping in the churcha nd how they shouldnt do it. maybe it'll touch somebody, but we'll see. i told God to help me to get an idea and write something, and that's what i got. But that's what the pastor been talking about and stressing lately, and i started writing it before he 's been really stressing that about watching what you say. So that must be God. I hope someone is blessed by it and recieve something from it though.
My actors from my scene been kinda stressing me too, but i can't get mad at them, because they're helping me out, taking time out of their schedule to do this for me. But it's hard to meet with all of the at the same time, especially in the last few days before we have to put this on. and they asking too many questions, and i tend to second guess my self, when i shouldnt, and one of them told me not to, but i can't help it. I wan't to yell, cuss, and scream at them and tell them to look, shut up, and just act how i tell you to act, stop being late! but i don't want them to get mad and not do my scene. God just help me through it. They have alot of energy and i know they're going to do good, but i wan't it to be because of my directing, not because they figured out what they had to do. i hope i'm doing things right, but we will see when i go to do it on Monday night, since i dont have class again until next Tuesday. WEll i've written too much, so it's time to go. That's all that's been going on with me. God is going to have to work this out and take this stress away because i asked him to do it. Please God you just have to. I asked for prayer at bible study yesterday, the pastor laughed joking with me. I said 'i'm feeling a little crazy since this is my last semester and all" he repeated what i said since some didn't hear, and said it funny and folks was laughing. i was like "i didn't mean i'm crazy, but you know, my classes at getting too me and it's too much". He said he know and was just joking to get me to smile. He is too silly. But it made me smile. So hopefully God will help me through this, scratch this, i just gotta believe he will, so he will. It'll all be better next week and i'll get through it. He's brought me through so much anyways. I've been thinking lately about how i made it this far through school to my last semester with all of the depression, anxiety, worrying, stress, sadness, bitterness, loneliness, doubt, financial problems, no food, bad grades, financial aid problems, academic prohbation, all the time i wanted to just give up and crawl in a hole and just be left alone, and everything else. It was nothing but God that kept me because i felt like i was going to really lose it a few times. God brought me through because aint no way i could've did it my self! Ok i'ma end this here for real. Ya'll have a good weekend, because i will more than likely not post tomorrow, but who knows! Take care! :-)
