35 year old men and other things...
so yeah, it's been almost 4 months next weekend since me and the ex broke up, and it's been about 2 months since we last talked (which was his graduation day), but yet i'm still holding up, and thing are getting better. thank God! i'm trying my very best to let go, but things are WAY better than before and i don't feel as bad as i use to. i do have to make myself stop looking at his page however, to see if anything has changed, or if he has a new girlfriend. i saw that he had a few new blogs, and i read them. i see that he's been talking to 2 other girls, no biggie, because i expected that, and kind of already knew. then he mentions 3 of his females friends who would make great girlfriends. he claimed at the beginning of the blog that he'd never understand women and that he keeps getting these females witht he same type of characteristics, and he said they had the same like me. i hope they aren't bad characteristics, but i think they're good, but i guess whatever the case, we all act the same. in his blog it seemed that he was trying to make it like we're the one's being difficult, but it seems to me that he's the one not knowing what he wants....but anyways, to the point, in his blog he says "i still think about my ex girlfriend alot, she was the only one who really had my back. i'd have to get this all out of my system before i can get back with her". that really bothered me right there. get all of WHAT out of his system? i guess the sex or something since he wasn't getting that from me. i know a year is hard to go without intercourse for someone who has previously engaged in it, especially if they're mind isn't right and they don't have the same feelings about remaining celibate like the other person has....but his statement made me think is he going to date and mess around with whoever, then when he's done, come running to me? that kind of made me think if he think's i'm just waiting for him. does he think i'd still be around? i mean if he came back today and said he wanted to be together, i honestly don't know what i'd do. i mean a part of me may want to be with him again, but another part of me would be prideful and be like "hell naw, you had your chance". so i don't know, maybe i'm reading too much into it. he doesn't know i read his blog, but i found a way to read it.also i forwarded a big email about the Jena situation to alot of people and forwarded one to him on purpose...this was like some days or a week before i read his blog, and i wondered if he'd repspond back, since i did tell him not to email me or forward anything and that i wasn't going to email him, smh. he forwarded me some email about Mars coming close to earth (which is a myth, i googled it, i wanted to tell him that, but i decided not to), so i know he did that purposely too...i dont even know what t think about that...i haven't gotten any other type of emails.
so on that note, and before i even read that blog, i've been thinking about whether i should try to date or not. but reading that note made it clear that i don't need to be waiting around for someone who doesn't know what they want to do with their life, and is even more indecisive than i am....but even before the note, i thought about dating, but i wasn't sure if i was ready yet. i don't want to be caring this baggage around with me, i to drop it off and never pick it up again. but i don't know if i could trust someone again, at least not so soon. i mean i guess dating doesn't mean i have to be in a relationship with the person, but what if i fall for them? *note to self, don't fall for someone so fast* but what if i do, then i'd probably be all paranoid and not trusting, that's not good in a relationship.
but in a way i do want to date. i want to take my mind off of the ex for good. i want to enjoy my self. i want to enjoy male company. i miss that, having someone to hang out with like that. i miss cuddling and holding hands. i miss all of that, but i don't just want to settle for anyone.
then another thing is that i've been thinking about going to grad school, and if i go into the program that i'm thinking about, there's only 6 in the nation i believe, and i'll have to leave Chicago again. i don't want to be in the same situation that me and my ex was in: not being sure if i'm going to move while dating someone. this time i'd be on the other end. it would be me not being sure, and i really don't want to have someone dealing with that. i don't think that a relationship would be good to get into if i may be leaving in the next year or 2. i mentioned that to my grandma, telling her that i'm not sure if i should date because i maybe moving in another year or 2. i asked her does that mean i should go on any dates for a whole 1-2 years??? she said that doesn't mean that i can't date. she said it's ok to go out to dinner and to go to the movies, that doesn't mean you've got to be serious and in a relationship with that person. but i asked her what happens if we fall for each other and i'm still planning on moving. she just said then i'd deal with that when that time comes. but that's the thing, i don't want to deal with that, i don't want to go thru that again, with me being on the other end.
i guess i just have to learn not to fall head over heels over someone, because they could very much not be the right person for me. and as long as i let the guy know that i'm just dating and not looking for nothing serious, then at leas that's out in the open.
dating seems to be hard. i've been trying to figure out where in the world would i met guys at. i don't do clubs or bars, and i don't like guys who hang on the corner, and at my job, ha, i wouldn't even bother. so i'm like if a guy tries to talk to me, should i just shut him down, or give him a try. so last Wednesday i was getting on the bus running late for work, and the bus driver started to talk to me. when i was about to get off, he asked if he could give me his number. i'd usually be like "naw" because a bus driver the weekend before tried that, but he seemed nice, so i took his number. i wasn't going to call him that night, but i did. he told me before he gave me his number that he was 35, when i asked his age. i told him that he's old. i mean he's not REALLY old, but i have this thing against older guys trying to talk to me. and i dont tend to look at men who's over 4-5 years older than me. we talked on the phone for a while, which means nothing to me, because i talk alot, but to some people it may mean something. he seemed nice, but he's 35 yrs old with 2 kids 8 and 9 yrs old! ugh no! i kept telling him that he was alot older than me...i should've just never called him...i dont know why i did, i guess because i really wanted to go on a date to get my mind off of the ex. so he asked if he could see me after i got off the work the next day, we had been texting each other, and already planned to go bowling on Friday, so i wasn't sure about that because he was already going to see me, but i met him at a pizza place not far from my job. we sat a talked for a few minutes, then i had to hop on the train before my last bus left....he kept talking about how much he liked me, and i'm like ok, he just met me, he can't like me that much. to me it seemed that he was desperate and just wanted a young piece of meat. why else would a 35 yr old want with a 25 yr old? he sat on the train with me for a few stops and had to get off. he playfully hit me, which wasn't hard, just a light tap, but i don't play like that. i told him not to play with me like that. i've always been like that about play fighting with guys, since high school...i don't think that's cool, and alot of guys at my high school use to do that with girls at my school, but not me, i told them not to play with me like that....i know he probably thought i was crazy, but i told him not to do that, and i don't play like that. he just tapped me, but still. he looked hurt, but i didn't care. he got off asking me to call him. i did later but didn't talk much. he asked if we was still going to go bowling on friday, and i said yeah, i had to at least give him one date. well Friday came and he still had his kids with him and said he sent me a text saying that, i'm like no you didn't. he said he'd call me back, and i was like if you need to be with your kids, stay with them, don't try to get rid of them to go on a date. well he never called back, and i was stalling time int he store. he was supposed to call back in 10-15 min. almost 30 min passed and i was like forget it, and got on the train and went home. i was relieved because at that point i've been thinking like this guy is alot older than me and we dont seem to have much in common. i mean when he was 18, it was like 1990, and in 1990 i was 8 about to be 9 that December. and he said he likes 50 cents music, i mean that probably doesn't mean nothing, but to me it sort of shows me where his mentality may be...and he's a CTA bus driver! my mama always said that Bus drivers are WHORES, now that maynot be true for all of them, but i'm pretty sure they talk to quite a few women every day.
so he calls me Friday night after i'm home, and we didn't talk long, and i told him i'd call back, which i don't think i did. he calls today (meaning saturday), and he's talking about when he's off and setting up another date. by now i'm kind of not feeling this guy because i've already been thinking. and he said he told his mom about me, i'm like wtf? we're not dating. so he says "if i make you uncomfortable, let me know, i'll stop calling you". i didn't want to be mean and hurt his feelings, so i think iw as avoiding it. i'm like am i over analyzing this? is something wrong with this guy or no? or is it just that he's old, and did i mention short? well short for me, since he's only 5'9" and i'm 5'10". so i was like "why do you claim you like me so much", he was like he just do, but if i didn't want him to call me anymore just say so. i was trying to put it in a way not to hurt his feelings. but i dont know, he seemed too clingy in just 3 days of meeting. he said he'd call me back in 10 min, but didn't. i went ont to call and talk to other friends. he called while i was on the line, but i didn't click over. i called him back back and he didn't pick up. i should've just told him then not to call. but it'll be ackward if i get on his bus again. i mean can i talk to him as jusgt a friend and try not to date, and that's what he kept saying, but he seems like he got too attached too quick, keep saying i'm beautiful and trying to make the convo sexual....so yes tomorrow i will tell him to not call me no more, because i'm not comfortable talking to him now...i think he's just some older guy, who's not quite old and not quite young, and is still probably trying to hold on to his youth by dating someone younger...plus he said the last time he was in a relationship was 5 years ago....but he has a cut budy...so no, i have to rethink that...
so besides him, the day before i met him, at my job we have to call messenger centers, and one i call alot, the guy was trying to flirt with me and gave me his number. we talked on the phone and he seems cool. we seem to have alot more in common since he's 29. but dang why does he have to be 5'9 as well? what's with the short guys! i want 6ft and up! we was supposed to meet up today, but that fell through, so maybe tomorrow, or next week. it's not meeting up like "oh i like him", but he just seems cool. and he said he doesn't want a relationship. besides, talking on the phone with him the other night for like 4-5 hours (i talk alot), he said i talked about my ex boyfriend for 2 hours. shame on me! my mom told me me not to talk about my ex with a man, because they don't like that, but i told her too late i already did. the guy said i was love struck and still in love with my ex. he was laughing at me. i told him the situationa nd about the blog i read. he said that my ex is like a puppy that got let out of the gate, but they always come back home. ugh....i told him that doesn't mean he'd get back with me...he said that me and my ex will be back together at the end of the year...he's not the only person that said that though...other's have....but i wont dwell on it, because i dont want to have hope...i think i'm past that hoping stage....i kinda DON'T want to get back together because he broke up with me....so year, this guy seems cooler than the 35 yr old, and it's not like he's trying to holla at me like that...at least i don't think so, especially since he think's i'm still in love with my ex...but he seems like someone cool to hang with. so i'll just have to meet him in a public place in case he's crazy, lol...take a pic and text his driver license number to my mom or friends, lol...but he doesn't seem crazy....
i'm just rambling on here...another long a** blog. so 2 days in one week wanted to hang out with me, and i'm open to trying to go on a few more later on with others since the one's from this weekend didn't go through. i also need to STOP TALKING about my ex, God please help me with that! but it's hard. since last summer up until May this year, that's who i hung out with all the time, he was like my bestfriend...like he said in his blog, i was the only one that had his back....so i have alot of stories and inside jokes i shared with him. so when i see something, or hear about something funny, it reminds me of him or any funny things we've seen together or places we been....so i have the habbit of saying "yeah i went here with my ex..." or "...my ex and i did this one time..." "or "my ex said..." *sighs* so i REALLY need to work ont hat, because i dont want to push a great guy that may come my way away because of talking about my ex...but like is aid, it's not as bad as it was when we first broke up, so i'm making progress...
