THINGS I'M GETTING OFF MY CHEST & OTHER THINGS...

lets see im just posting today to just post something....Hi!!!....lol. but theres nothing much to type, im about to fall asleep to watching "Imitation of Life" since i found out i had a test on it this thursday for my Black American Studies class.....i have alot on my mind, and i do have alot to say.......not just stuff about me being shy and depressed, just other shyt, like whats going on in the world today.....all of this sniper shyt, smh, i still cant believe that some black men did that, but hey anything's possible, but i hope not, but in a way i do because at least the shootings are over, but something still doesnt seem right.......and i just need to get out some things i hate, lol........but right now im tired and sleep is calling me, so peace.....oh yea i had a lil nice time at home, well i got to see my mama, so thats all that matters, and her new place in the burbs (ugh@the burbs), but her apartment is nice, and i talked to her earlier today, well yesterday since it is 2:18am and a new day.....she told me that my brother found him a place and she's gonna go wih him to check it out....im so happy about that, im glad he had a back-up plan because who he was supposed to live with backed out, but im so proud of him......even though he gets on my nerves and we fight and argue alot, i love my brother to death, he can be a knuckle head sometimes, but as he get older, he will learn.......but anyways like i was.......sleep is calling me, so its time to lay my head on this pillow, so peace and God bless.....

posted by Toya @ 2:21 AM 0 comments

well today im doing alright......i dont want every post to be all sad, cuz that'll be just too depressing, but hey thats how i was feeling at the time, but most of these post are depressing, but anyways, hopefully today will be the start of a new day.....and i say that because i went to counseling today, well the intake part, which i wont go too much into, but now i do feel a little bit better after doing that......well i told the man about how i be shy and how its hard for me to make friends, and how its lonely being down here without any friends, and he said he was glad that i did come in, because that shows that i do want help with whatever, but he was asking questions about how my classes are and eating and sleeping habits......he also asked about my mother, brother and father......but when he got on my father i got quiet, and i didnt notice that until he said that.......and it was like hard to try and talk about that, cuz i told him that my mama and daddy got divorced when i was 6 years old........and how my daddy stabbed my mama in her sleep (he was also on drugs then well getting off of them), even though that happened, that never really bothered me when i was younger, but as i got older i would get angry about that, it was like how could he do that?........if he ended up killing her, then me and my brother wouldnt had him or her, cuz she would be dead and he would be in jail.......but when i was little that never really bothered me, or i didnt think it did.....but he didnt go to jail he said he was crazy or something so he went to a shrink or some ish, then he skipped jail time, but even after that like a year or 2 after that, my mama still let me and my brother go see him at his apartment, that was like 2 years after the divorce, becuase they was seperated when he stabbed her, but thats what lead to the divorce.......but anyways i kept on tearing up and i was gonna cry when he was asking me those things, but i dont like to cry infront of people, especially someone i dont know, so i held the tears, back.........but man i got so quiet and when he started talking about my brother and my father i got choked up, and i guess cuz my relationship with them isnt all that good, and i want it to be, but my father gets on my nerves cuz he's stubbron and meant o my brother and my brother acts as if he doesnt like me and my mama cuz she sent him to live with my brother back in 98', but i just want everything to work out and be peaceful, but everything doesnt work that way.......so the intake counselor recommended that i go to group counseling, so thats what im gonna do once a week, so hopefully it will help........but anyways enough of that i need to go type my papers up and finish downloading these Luther Vandross songs for this CD im making for my cousin, and get the papers done since im leaving tomorrow and cant hand them in on friday, but anyways, bye bye....

posted by Toya @ 11:29 PM 0 comments

This is my BP CrackHead Poll for all you BP CrackHeads, peace.....

posted by Toya @ 4:06 AM 0 comments

YEA!!!!!!!!!!! the links went thru, but anyways........im trying to get thru the semester, my grades for most of my classes are pretty good, except for my Psych 102 class, but i can bring that up......im going home next weekend so im real happy about that, i can go and see my mama's new place and get me some pizza, a gyro, and some popeyes, lol the only food i wanna eat when i go home, lol, but it's just good to go home, but my cousin's birthday is that weekend, so thats why we going home......

.....well i did set me up a counseling session so i had to fill out a test first, man.....that freaking test was 344 freaking questions long, i was like GOT DAMN, my hands was cramping up and ish.......so i have a appointment to speak with a counselor next wednesday, so i can see if i really do have social anxiety or is it that im just shy, but we'll see.........but most of the questions on the test was dumb, it took me over a hour......the questions was like the questions like when you apply for a job, and they ask you would you do this or that, or if you feel a certain way.........alot of the questions was like "do you drink alot" or "have people told you that you drink alot" or "have you ever thought about killing your self", i was like dang, more then half of those questions didnt apply to me because first i dont drink or smoke at all, and second i've never thought about killing my self, its a sin, and heck im affriad to die, so i would never take my life......but there was some questions like "do you have a hard time making friends", now that applied to me, but hopefully everything will go well and i will see what the problem is, but anyways.........

....i need to go before my cousin get in because i agreed not to get online until after 9pm, and if you reading this my bad, lol i only been online for about 30 mins. though, but anyways im gone, and hopefully i'll go and finally see "Brown Sugar" tonight, cuz it seems like a good movie and Taye Diggs and Boris Kudjoe (sp) is too fine, lol, im out, peace.......

posted by Toya @ 4:11 PM 0 comments

ok lets see if this link thingy works now since i found my codes:

social anxeity site #1 and social anxiety site #2

posted by Toya @ 3:57 PM 0 comments

well ok they didnt work, lol so never mind, i'll just learn to do it later, i had those codes on BP, i'll get it from there, goodnight, well goodmorning.....

posted by Toya @ 4:10 AM 0 comments

and , ok lets see if this works, these are the sites.....

posted by Toya @ 4:08 AM 0 comments

well well well ok im back, my break from the net didnt last long, and it wasnt even a full break.....i was going to the pc lab for about a hour or 2 like 3 times, or less then a hour in between classes though, but i gave in a started my AOL back up friday night, on oct. 10th, *sighs*, im a internet junkie, but at least i got my work done that i needed to get done, except for this paper that i shouldve been typing today but i didnt cuz im on the computer, ugh, see i shouldnt have started my aol back up, but oh well, anyways.....i didnt feel like writing nothing today cuz i really dont have much to say.....

.....me and my cousin did get into it last week on friday on like the 5th, and we didnt talk again until like wednesday, well tuesday night she said something to me, but we didnt really talk until wednesday afternoon, smh not talking over dumb stuff cuz i got mad because she was naggin me and i feel that im grown, well i am, im gonna be 21 in less then 2 months, and she got mad cuz i said "whatever" and she was like i was getting smart, but hopefully she got the point and wont nag me, because i dont wanna have to go thru that again, i like peace and i would like to keep it that way the way it is now, because i dont like to get into it and argue, but hopwfully we'll be cool for the rest of the year.....

.....well i been trying to download songs today, and i've been trying to find thie song by this group called Voices, and they had a song called "yea yea yea", which came out in like 92' or 93' when i was in like 5th grade, i remember they use to play it all the time, it was a girl group and it had Tia and Tamara from "Sister, Sister" in it, but alot of people dont remember that song, but it was a lil corny song, lol, but i liked it then.....right now im downloading "the butt", lol.....

.....im kinda cool now, not all that dsepressed, and i think i know whats wrong with me for real, i know i always be like i might have Social Anxeity, but after reading an article in my school's newspaper on anxiety disorders and how 19.1 million americans are affected by them and how 7% of the population suffers from social anxiety every year, and all the sites i been looking at on it, i think i really do have it.....how people feel when they have it, the symptons they was describing, thats all me, thats how i feel when im around people, i get nervous and stuff and feel as if people are staring at me or talking about me, but i always kept that to my self, and when i do try to tell people about it like how i feel nervous around people they always say "oh you're just shy, you'll grow out of it" or "you just need to stop being shy and go make friends", but really its not all that easy, and since they dont have it, then they wont understand, im not outgoing at all whatsoever, so i would never just go up to someone and just start talking or try and go out and make friends, i rather for people to come to me.....

.....but here is 2 sites on Social Anxiety so people can know what im talking about, i dont know how to do the link thing on here so i dont know if it will just show up in text form or as a link, but here they are: http://www.social-anxiety.org/ and http://www.socialphobia.org/ , so those are the sites.....and alot of time i wont tell people how i feel, cuz i dont want people to think im crazy, im not crazy though, usually mental things are just chemical imbalances, and ALOT of people have something like that wrong with them, but alot of people, especially black folks dont want to go to doctors for stufff like that because they dont wanna be called "crazy" or either they feel like its a "white person disease", but what they dont know is that black folks get mental illnesses just like white folks, and mental illnessed is not just limited to white people.....

.....heck i know because i have a aunt thats bi-polar and a cousin thats a schizophrenic, but they just found that out recently in the last 4 years, but they didnt know before, and if they knew before maybe they wouldve been beter, but like i said black folks dont like going to the doctor for things like that, and i know alot of people on my mama's side got something wrong with them, though they have been to the doctor for it with the exception of my aunt.....but ima just set up an appointment to see a counselor to talk cuz my doctor back in march asked me if i wanted to take meds, but i really dont want to do that if i dont have too, i told her i rather talk to someone first, i just never set that up.....

.....so hopefully talking will help because i dont not want to be depending on some medication, but if i have to just so i can live a normal life and be social i will, if that can calm me down so i can be a bit more social and calmed down, and not depressed, then thats just what im gonna have to do, but anyways, thats pretty much it thats been going on, so ima go to bed cuz i have church, well if i go, i might be too sleepy to get up since its 3:53 am, damn i didnt even know it was that late, see what the internet does to you, and yea i wrote in my web dairy now, so are you happy now Mister? and you know who you are, well bye bye people.....

posted by Toya @ 3:58 AM 0 comments

well hey i might not post nothing for a while or maybe i will, i doubt if anyone really read this anyways they probably dont, i was gonna put the link to this on my BP page, but i'll do that a little later.....anyways i've decided to take a break from the internet, cuz its not really all that fun no more, i just get on to pass time, the chatrooms be boring, people are getting on my nerves, my boy from aol that i chat with everyday he left cuz he canceled his aol, the other dude i dunno i guess we mad at each other cuz of something from the other day, him and his attitude, so ok the other people on aol be cool, but its the same thing and that chatroom be boring......now on BP its not all that fun, i only go into the chatroom to chat with certain people, but either they not in there when im on, or its just not the same, and most of the people be coming in the chat flooding the rooms and typing stupid stuff and just trying to meet people in the chat, and the dudes get mad when i dont talk to them when they say "holla"......i dont wanna holla at them, i just get on BP for fun, but its not fun anymore.....but it will be hard to give up the next cuz YES i am a internet jukie and a BP crackhead, but ima try to leave it alone.....so ima cancel my aol on the 5th i think thats saturday, and that'll be it, i wont start up my new aol account for another week or so, cuz i stil have my 6 free months that i didnt use when i got my computer back in december 2001.......so i guess this is by for now, only if i get on the pc in the pc lab between class, so i guess i wont really be leaving the net alone, but thats only 2 times out the week that i have that 3 hours break, but other then that at least i wont be on all day after i get in from class and i can concentrate on doing my work more and reading my book for class..........................

(i feel a lil bit better then yesterday, im not all that depressed anymore, but then again i still am, i think its a sign of depression when you just dont wanna do nothing and sit in the house all day, eat junk food all day, or just feel like crying, or just not caring, and thats how i feel sometimes, and thats how i felt my first year of school, cuz i didnt wanna do nothing, thats why i messed up my 2nd semester, and last year i was a bit better, but not much, cuz i still didnt want to do nothing, just like now i dont feel like doing nothing i just wanna lay up and be miserable and bored all day and depressed cuz i have no friends or no one to talk to, i dont want to sit up in the house, but i do anyways cuz i dont wanna be bothered.....then when people ask whats wrong with me most of the time i say nothing, cuz i dont want them to be like "what you depressed about you have nothing to be depressed about" or they think that the reasons i am is dumb, but they dont understand, so i just kee everything to my self, which isnt good, but i write it out sometimes, and if i cant talk to my friend, i talk to a few people online, but i dont wanna be complainging to them all the time, cuz i know they might be tired of hearing that, so i just keep it in, hopefully i will get better and maybe i should go see a counselor on campus, and maybe i will, cuz maybe that will help)

.............and hopefully this will help me cuz i know that being on the net talking to people and not trying to talk to people i see in person isnt good, so i guess i can live without the net cuz i didnt have it before college and hopefully this will make me try and go out and be a bit more social with people, but anyways, bye bye until next time.....

posted by Toya @ 1:40 AM 0 comments

ok i decided to change the name of my blog from "WHAT'S ON TOYA'S MIND" TO "THINGS I'M GETTING OFF MY CHEST & OTHER THINGS..." because it seems are if im complaining and getting things out and getting stuff off my chest rather then saying whats on my mind, so thats that, night.....

posted by Toya @ 12:50 AM 0 comments

*sighs*

wassup people, nothing much going on.....well there is alot going on.....

i dont know whats wrong with me, but today and for the last couple of days i been feeling a lil down and depressed, and i hate it when i get like that, im never depressed to the point to kill my self, cuz im scared of death and would never take my life or want to die, but i hate just feeling down and out. this semester is always thru, and i still havent really made any friends, well i havent made none at all. i know people always be like "well you need to go out and stop acting shy and make some friends", they say it as if its just so easy, but its not, well for me its not.....

.....i've always had a hard time making friends, i been to like 6 different grade schools when i was younger, and i finally stayed at the same school from 5-8th grade....then high school started, so alot of people from our grade school went to the high school since it is across the street, but i didnt have classes with many of them, and alot of them changed when we got to high school.....but it was hard for me to adjust to high school, i pretty much kept to my self all four years....some people did try to get me to talk, but i dont talk to people that im not comfortable around, i have to get to know them first, but then alot of people didnt bother to try and be friendly with me because they either didnt want to be bothered, or they thought i was mean, but im not a mean person, im really nice, well i think i am, and alot of people say i am.....but then again i didnt even wanna be bothered with people in high school because i saw how they was, they was wild, and im not a wild person, some people acted funny, they didnt act the same when they got around certain people, or they would talk about people behind their back, and thats something i hate, or they would talk about what someone had and didnt have, and i didnt like that, i never had much, and i really dont care too much about material things, i never had alot of clothes, i only have about 2 pairs of gym shoes in a year, so i dont know and i go to church, so it just seemed that something wasnt right about some of them, and when i dont get a good feeling from someone or a a good vibe, i dont come around them, but like they say you only have like a few good friends thru life and you only have like 1 or 2 really good, best friends, in your life time, so maybe thats why i didnt really talk to those people my first year.....

.....i didnt know any upperclass people and i was always shy, i still am.....as high school went on the people in my class i would talk to them more, but still sometimes they wasnt all that friendly or they would act funny to me.....but i must admit freshmen year was pretty fun with the people that was in my class, some of the people i was cool with, but i never talked to them outside of school, only to a few of them, maybe only like 2 or 3.......but in 10th grade it was different, and i guess going thru puberty didnt really help it, though i was already going thru it since i was like 11 years old becuase thats when i started to develope, its like i was stuck in this ackward stage, well i fell that i've been stuck in that stage since i was in 5th grade, and i still feel like i am.....

.....im 20 yrs old, soon to be 21, i never really dated, i be too shy to go up to a boy and tell him that i like him, the boys that i did like one i didnt get the chance to like him the other one i liked him from like 6th grade up to 12th grade and i didnt tell him until my 1st semester of college....i dont know why i be like that, maybe im scared of rejection, i dont know, i have a low self esteem, well sometimes i have my highs and i do lfeel good about my self, i'll think "i look nice today", but other times i feel low and i dont feel that good about my self, and i think thats why i dont have a boyfriend right now, or thats why boys dont try to talk to me....but i remember senior year in my year book, this one boy wrote "toya, you are a very attractive young lady when you add confidence to your self".....now i know i have a lack of confidence, but i dont know why, my mama has always told me that i was beautiful, but for some reason i dont feel that i am.....

.....i've had people when im walking down the street, boys making noises and stuff and one time i walked past some dudes they was like "she ugly" loud, and that hurt my feelings, but i kept my head up and just kept on walking past them, but it was dark outside so im like how they know if im ugly....i know im not ugly, but why do i feel like i am sometimes? or then theres other times when dudes do try and holla at me, but they be yelling "hey girl" or whistling from across the street, and i dont respond to that, cuz my mama always be like 'dont turn around when some man it blowing his car horn at you, or is doing cat-calls, cuz your not a call girl (call girl being as in a hooker, etc.), so sometimes them boys might think im stuck up, which im not im far from that, just because i wont stop to talk to them, but i dont like for guys to aproach me that way, i want them to come up to me ask me my name ask how im doing, no "hey girl can i get your number", so no im not gonna talk to them if they like that, or either i always see them hanging outside, and i hate to see a black man hanging on the corner, cuz he can be doing something, going to school, working, or doing his homework if he is in school, and i wont talk to them either, and i wont cuz my cousin told me not too, and he know cuz he was one of them dudes that be hanging out on the corner, cuz he said they nothing but trouble so ima take his advice, that doesnt make me stuck up though, and if someone thinks so then screw them but anyways.....

.....i feel better writing this out now because i tend to write when i need to get something off my chest, but i just hope that i can just gain some confidence, but i know i dont need a man, but hey im 20 and im lonely, and i want a man, im tired of being by my self, no one to hang out with, and i be seeing couple walking around and stuff and i want that, holidays be coming up, sweetest day, valentines day, i really hate them days, lol, but its gonna be hard to find a man thats willing to wait and im a virgin, i just hope that i dont end up being a old miserable bitter cat lady with 20 cats eating cat food and lonely in a house all by my self, but i'll be aight, ima have patience and just wait for someone to find me, hopefully they will, but anyways, enough of this.....i got other things stressing me.....

.....ok my mama moved this weekend to the Burbs of Chicago....why at the last minute, when my brother knew this for a week, tell my mama on the day she was packing her stuff up and putting it in the truck "i have no place to live", SMH, he tells here when they're loading stuff into the truck, thats a damn shame, i wouldve kicked his ass, and my mama asked him she said "do you have a place to go, cuz at first she did tell him he had to get his own place, but if he didnt have one she wouldve got a 2 bedroom, but he was saying "i gotta place to go, ima live with my friend", ok, but his friend got in trouble like a week ago and he is getting sent away, and since that was my brothers friend apartment, my brother is shit outta luck.....so he has to stay with my aunt for the next month until he find a place, him and his other friend, because his job is still on that side of town and if he stayed with my mama it would take him like 2 hours coming from that far out in the suburbs just to get to the burb by our house where he worked at, but anyways.....well him having no place to go made our cat, that we had since dec 4th 1993, have no place to go....

.....now i wouldve took the cat, but my cousin said that theires no pets allow, but he's a cat, its not like he barks, and he's clean, butr then she said the other day "i dont want no damn cat", and she bogus for that, telling me to get over it, yea im 20, but so whats we had that cat since my 12th birthday, i dont wanna get over it, im attacxhed to him, he doesnt act like no other cat i know, he thinks he human and he such a pretty cat, he's a orangish (if thats a word) tan and brown and beige, and my mama since her apartment doesnt allows pets, she cant keep him and she doesnt wanna get kicked out, my aunt has a cat thats not declawed, so they dont want him to fight my cat, cuz our cat is 9 years old, so they tried to give him away to strangers, but no one wants him, so my brother was gonna ask his friend if they could keep him for a month until he gets his place i tried to call today to see if thay did that, but my aunt didnt answer her phone, but they was gonna keep the cat in their basement for a day, but i hope my brothers friend keep him, cuz i know if they send him to the humane society, they might put him to sleep, and if not i still dont want him with a stranger for the rest of his life.....

....other things, my mama found out that my brother is getting high, i was hoping that he never would seeing how our father was on drugs when we was little and all the people in our family that was on drugs....see im scared of things that would hurt me, so i see how they effected my family, i wont do it, i dont smoke or drink, cuz we got alcoholics on my mama's side of the family, but my brother he doesnt wanna learn from their mistakes, so i guess he's gonna have to make his own, and its not just him smoking weed, its that my mama said she found a pipe or bomb, or whatever they smoke that shyt with, im not sure cuz i dont smoke, she didnt go thru his stuff, it was in her front room, cuz he decided to disrespect her house and do that right there and when she came from work it was there, thats another reason why he cant live with her, but i pray that weed is the only thing he's doing, because if its cocaine or any other stuff i will have a nervous break down and cry, i know that me and my brother argue alot and we use to fight all the time, and we still do, but thats my lil brother though he only 2 years younger, i dont want him to do nothing that would put him in danger and if i was to lose him or my mama i would just be lost, cuz i been with them my whole life and i love them so much, even though we have our difference and we may have arguements, i love them so, their my blood, but i'll just keep praying that thats all he is doing and he'll just have to bump his head like my mama said, cuz he wont listen he hasnt listened to us in a long time for some years, so he's just gonna have to be grown and be a man, and bump his head, and God will show him and hopefully bring him through, im looking at all this and i know i wrote a helluva lot of stuff, so im thru for tonight so peace.....

posted by Toya @ 12:26 AM 0 comments