So i'm newly single...
(this is from my other blog i wrote on Sunday May 6th)...and i hate him, or rather i hate HIM at the moment. i feel like my time was wasted. it seems that i don't h ave good luck with guys. i'ved either been nervous and shy around them, i laughed at my first kiss int he face due to nervousness, they either stop talking to me, lie to me, or string me along. the last guy before my boyfriend, i mean ex boyfriend was a freaking jerk. he lied about everything. i thought things would be different with my boyfriend, and they were, but aparently we weren't ont he same page. so we broke up today, this afternoon...well he broke up with me. he said he needs to "get his self togther", because he doesn't know what he wants to do with his life, especially since he's not from chicago and may want to move back to the east coast after he graduates next month. i want to believe that he was really sincere when eh said that he need's to get his self together, but there's apart of me that feels that what he said is BS!
i am so hurt right now. he had EXTREMELY bad timing at telling me this. my cousin was killed last week, i'm alreayd stressed about things at home, at work, and with my play i'm doing. to tell me today, was just, i don't know. he said he wanted to tell me after the play was over, so that i could have a place to stay, but i guess the sooner the better right? i was mad about him not telling me sooner since he said he's been thinking about this for the last few weeks. i guess our little silly argument today and me pushing for an answer of what was wrong with him since he was looking sad brougth it out.
i didn't understand that if he's been thinking about this for a few weeks, why wait until now? why not tell me then? and if he didn't want to be in a relationship, why waste my time for 7 months? why actually waste a whole year of my time since we met a year ago come May 14th. i am so hurt and disgusted. i feel so betrayed. this has got to be one of the worst days of my life. i know he was hurt too, so he seemed to be, and i made him feel bad, but i don't care, he deserves to be, stringing me along like this. and he says that he didn't mean to, but either way he did. he should've been man enough to say "you know what, i'm not ready for a relationship". being in a relationship is nothing to toy around with. you have people's feeling's on the line.
by the way, he was my FIRST boyfriend. i just feel awful. i thought it may lasat, but i guess i knew in the back of my mind it wouldn't. i feel like such a late bloomer, and i guess i am a late bloomer. i didn't get my first boyfriend until i wasd 24. hell i didn't have my first kiss until i was 19. maybe me abstaining from sex added to things, though he says it didn't. i feel like i'm going to be alone forever. it's hard to find someone who is either still a virgin, or is celibate.
i feel used and betrayed. i opened up to him and told him things i haven't told anyone else but my pastor. i shared so much with him and i feel so hurt. we sat up and talked for about 3 hours. pretty much me getting upset, screaming, and cursing. i wanted to slap him so bad, but i couldn't bring my self to it. i'm a nice person, but i do get mad and i can get a little crazy, but i also know not to be going around hitting on no man, not saying he would've hit me back, because i don't think he would've, but still.
he told me this RIGHT before i was to go to do my play. it was awful doing the play. i couldn't really concentrate during it and i was the one who had to perform the light cues. i tried not to cry, but i would slip up crying every once in a while in my little light booth, but i had to stop quickly because it was bluring my vision and i couldn't see the cue's on the page.
i don't know when this pain will go away. i wish it could be gone by the time i wake up, but i know it will still be there. i had a major headache from crying this morning, and didn't either nothing but some cake at the theater. i'm hungry and tired, but i need to go to bed and get up for work. i was already feeling horrible about my cousin's death, but now this.
and this fool bought me ticket's to see the "Color Purple", but what i don't understand is that why do that if you knew you were going to break up with me. he said that he know's i like theater and that he knew i wanted to see it. he said i could have the tickets and take my mom or go by my self, but i refused. i don't want no part of those tickets. i thought that was supposed to be something special for me and him and i was so happy and thought that it was sweet that he bought them. he said he was going to break up with me after the play, but i don't understand why he wasted his money. i'm glad i hadn't bought anything to wear yet to go see it. i'm glad i didn't waste a ny money on a graduation gift. i thought that the tickets was such a sweet guester, that i was already planning on finding some concert tickets to some hip hop show for him if there was one coming up this summer for his graduation present. good thing i didn't find any.
i'm so hurt. he said he couldn't be there for me emotionally like i was there for him and that he didn't want to hurt me...the thing is that he already hurt me by stringing me along. i know he says he didn't mean to do that, but to me he did. i feel awful. i felt like i loved him, and maybe i did, and he didn't feel the same way towards me. he just liked me, liked hanging with me and enjoyed my company, but that's just not good enough. i'm angry because of the time wasted and that he could've been in the way for the "ONE" who is supposed to be for me or my husband.
i told him that he would never find no one like me, which he wont. yes i'm a little weird, and quiet, and talk alot, and nag a little, and a little quirky and shy, but i'm a special person, and not in the slow bus way. he'll probably never find no one who cared about him the way i did. i feel so bad because i didn't get that in return. i told himt hat i loved him, which isn't something i did before, but that he hurt him. but maybe it wasn't love and maybe it was strong like.
i hate it that i can't stay mad at a person, i was mad at him and sad for him at the same time. i can tell he was hurt. i was mad cussing him, but i also felt bad for him and didn't want to leave him. we hugged and cried before i left. i went on my way to do the play.
we were supposed to get up this morning, get breakfast, then go for a walk along the beach. boy, look at how my day turned out.
i guess i should've known that this wasn't going to work. i mean how can 2 shy people with low self esteem have a relationship? and i had a feeling we may break up. i knew he may move after graduation, and i knew we might've broken up then, but not so soon! i did have a feeling after an argument some weeks ago about breaking up, because i had a feeling that he didn't feel the same about me like i did towards him.
i guess a few things that i've learned from this is:
1.) don't meet guys off the net (which is something i've told myself before when the last internet meeting i had didn't work out)
2.) if you have a feeling, go with your first gut, it will probably save you alot of pain.
3.) stay single for a while and work on my self.
i probably even rushed into this relationship after the last jerk i was talking too, but who knows. i really cared for my new Ex, and we got along, but nowhe really hurt me.
i guess i won't be going to his graduation. i told him to save me a ticket, so we'll see. he said he wanted me to come because i supported him so much this last semestet. we wished each other good luck for our futures. he said i could call him whenever if i ever need someone to talk to, but i don't know about that. he said i could still stay at his place until the play is over, but i told him no. i don't even want to be around him. he really messed up a good thing. i'm just too hurt right now.
i know that this is a long a** blog, but i really needed to vent right now, and i know he'll probably read this, especially since i didn't take him off my friends list yet, which i should, but i don't care.
he asked me to text him for when i get in the house tonight, but i can't bring myself to do it. if he's reading this, he'll know i made it in since i've typed this. i'm just too hurt right now, and wthinking about all of this is making my emotions get stirred back up. i guess i'll just go and cry myself to sleep, prayting that this hurt and pain passes.
i doubt if i'll be trying to date or have a relationship anytime soon. it seems as though when you open your self up to someone, they just crush you and rip your heart out.
