my heart is aching
have you ever wanted someone so bad that it just made you ache? you're whole body ache? you're heart ache? that's how i'm feeling about a good friend of mine. we're helped each other during our break ups. when my most recent boyfriend cheated on me and i broke up with him, my friend talked with me on the phone and on the internet. he let me spill my guts and gave me encouraging words. when he went through his break up with his girlfriend after her dumb ass cheated on him, i talked with him everyday, trying to make him feel better, because he was hurting so much. in the process of all of this i started developing feelings for him.now we went to college together, but didn't know each other then. i saw him on the website hi5.com when browsing people and messaged him. i think i said "hey you went to college with me", and we started talking from there. we were int he same major/department, so we knew who each other was, cuz there wasn't many black folks in the dept to begin with, but we just never talked. we talked online for the last almost 5 years.
i finally met him after he did a play here in a theatre. we've only hung out with each other probably less than 10 times. we started talking a lot online sometimes in 2009. it must have been when i was having problems with my guy and he was having problems with his girl. i guess he started talking to me more because his girlfriend wasn't showing him attention.
i know i should have cut off the amount of time i spoke with him, but that's when i started to have a crush on him. to me he seemed like a nice guy who wanted to spend time with his girl and talk to her but she wasn't giving him the time, always saying she was busy. he'd tell me this and i would think i wish my guy would be more like him. i was having problems with my guy, so my friend being as nice as he was to me just made me like him more.
i ended up breaking up and some months later he broke up with his girl. i would just think that i'd never do that to him and she is a fool because he's such a nice/good guy. i would only wish that i had a chance with him.
from then on we've been talking mostly every day. mainly via text message and facebook, sometimes on the phone, and like i said we've only seen each other a several times in person. we crack jokes and make each other laugh. when feeling down or having self esteem issues, we give each other encouragement.
the thing is this. i like him so much, and started developing feelings for him talking to him a lot over this past year, and practically everyday since around the time i broke up with my ex, which was Oct 09'. he says he likes me, but to me i feel like he just lieks me as a friend. not the way i like him. tho he says i don't believe him and he already told me he like me. i don't know. i just feel like he's being nice because he doesn't want to hurt my feelings. he's rejected my advances, so it also makes me think he doesn't feel the same way. that maybe i'm not pretty enough or he isn't attracted to me in that way, tho he said i am pretty.
so why can't i believe him? i don't know?...well that doesn't matter because he said he can't date right now, and that's fine, and understandable. he was with his ex for well over 5 years, closer to 10 years, on and off., so he is really hurt right now.
i think he's a great guy, he's so gorgeious and beautiful, physically and on the inside. he's nice, a sweet heart. he's so funny, even with his corny jokes, and he makes me laugh. when i recently hung out with him i noticed he has a dimple when he smiles. and did i say he's fine! and has a great body, because he's a trainer. and he is genuinely a nice guy and i have a weakness for nice guys.
it aches my heart because i want him so bad. i want a chance with him. i wish he was my boyfriend because i'd pamper him and treat him so good. i'd love him so much. but i didn't meat him first, his ex girlfriend did. and tho she did what she did to him he still has deep feelings for her. and that's understandable, they have been together almost 8 years, basically thru all of colleges and the majority of their 20's.
so here's the thing. he doesn't want ot date, because he just got out of the relationship. hell i don't need to date either, cuz i still have hurt i'm dealing with. he wants to be single and just date, and hell i want to be single too, and just date. neither of us has really had a chance to do that. and he doesn't want ot do a long distance relationship.
yep no long distance relationship. and i understand. he was in a long distance relationship with his ex when she cheated. plus he's moving away to the west coast, so it would be too far to date.
why is it when i meet a great guy, a guy i like, that would be maybe perfect for me, then i can't have him?
that is why my heart is aching so much right now. he leaves tomorrow, on Wednesday for Cali. i wish i had a chance with him or some kind of chance. a touch from him, a kiss, cuddling, something. i want him mentally and physically. i am REALLY attracted to him. but i can't even get the physical, tho i've been basically throwing my self at him...why...because he's a gentleman..or either he's not attracted to me and he doesn't want to hurt my feelings by telling me so.
so yeah he says he doesn't want to do any kissing or anything sexual because he knows i'd get attached and my feelings. he's worried about them. and i appreciate him for that. and that's great, cuz most men would have taken advantage of my advances....i'm no hoe or nothing...still haven't had intercourse, but i want to be touches, kissed on, sucked one, something. and not by just anyone. only by him. i have this strong urging to want to be with him, and in a relationship with him...i just wish the feeling would go away so that i can move on.
so he doesn't want to do anything cuz he believes because he's moving that i would be more hurt if we did something. and he's right...i know he is...but i want him so bad.
thank God that he is a good man and a gentleman..but i think his rejection only makes me want him more.
God i need to get over these feelings because still while remaining friends i'm still liking him...i've thought about cutting contact from him for a month or 2, and letting him know that i need to, to get over my feelings for him...but i don't want to cuz we're friends. we still encourage each other and give advice...this is so confusing...i feel like if i stop communication it might hurt the friendship a lil...and if we did something together, it might hurt it that way too...ugh...arrrggghhhh..
i don't know...i'm just kinda babbling right now, needing to get my feelings out...
maybe one day in the future, if we're both single, if he ever moves back to chicago or if i ever moved to Cali, then we can get together and try this...but more than likely that'll never happen...he'll just probably be the friend i'd always still secretly like, tho i've told him i have no feelings for him....holding out for him (tho i don't want to, can't miss out on other guys), and compare anyone i date to him. don't get me wrong, he's not perfect...not at all..i think he's a little overly sensitive and that some family and friends may have babied him a little and not criticized and sugar coated things because of that...but i don't know...i still like him...well or maybe that's a red flag not to like him.
well he'll be going to the west coast to look for a place, then he'll be back here to move his stuff and officially in Cali to pursue his career...who knows, maybe we won't talk much anymore cuz he'll be busy or become famous and stop talking to me...or maybe i'll stop liking him because he's gone far away and i'd meat a great guy that's even better than him...i really hope i meet that great guy cuz i don't want to always have these feelings for that friend if he'll never feel the same way or if we never date. i don't want to be dating a guy or married to someone while i still secretly like my friend...that's something i kinda fear.
i don't know...maybe next life time like ms. badu said...maybe that will be our chance.
this blog is hella long and maybe a bit confusing, but i needed to just get all of my feelings out and write them down. have a blessed week all.
