Trust
i have a big problem with trusting people. i really trust no one. and if i trust people, i can only trust them to a certain extent. i guess that's the reason why i only let people know what i want them to know about me. people tend to pretty much think they know me or that i'm a good girl. for the most part i am, but there's a lot of things that go on in my life that i don't let people know, not even my mother, and she's about the only one i can fully trust, and i pretty much tell her everything.i guess i don't let people know these things because i don't want them to come back and throw stuff in my face or discuss my issues or problems with someone else who have no business knowing things about me.
another reason i have a problem with trusting people is because when i see someone i'm friends with talk about another friend behind their back, even if it's not in a hurtful mean manner, it makes me think "well dang, do they talk about me?" maybe that person didn't want me to know that small detail about them, or what if i do something or mess up, how am i supposed to now that a friend of mine won't go and talk about me?
i guess i throw around the word friend pretty loosely. yes i have friends, or associates (i use both words sometimes), but i don't feel like i have any just really really really good friends that i can trust anything with. i figure if friends can't open up to me about stuff going on with them or what they do or about things about themselves, then how i can open up and share things about me?
or maybe it should be that even if you have pretty good friends, you just should've let your friends know everything about you. and that's what i don't do, so i guess i'm on the right track.
but i wonder, ok let's say if you're married, now your husband or wife is pretty much going to be your life long friend...should you let them in on everything about you? i've heard several people say "don't let a man know everything about you, or he'll throw it back in your face later on". when you're married, shouldn't you be able to share everything with your husband or wife? is that wrong to hold anything from them, even if it is thing's in the pass that occurred before you met them? i really gotta pray about that.
i tend to have up a wall, especially when it comes to guys. i either feel like they're after something and that i can't trust them. i always have my guard up and i can be defensive sometimes. the last time i let my guard down, i got hurt. i don't want that to happen again. i guess that's going to make it hard for me to trust again in that area.
i guess also i hate it that since i don't "do" a lot of stuff, that when i mess up, especially me being a christian, that i'll have so called friends sitting back pointing the finger and talking about me behind my back. i hate it that people put me in this box that i'm supposed to be a "good girl"...there's no room for mistakes. i've never said to anyone that i'm perfect...i'm far from it. i've also never heard anyone that is a christian THAT I KNOW say that they were perfect.
well, some might say trust is earned, and i guess i'll just have to let people earn my trust.
i especially hate it when people lie to me...that's about one of the worst things someone could do to me.
oh well, i'm just babbling on. this is something i was just wondering about. any thoughts? comment please. thanks.
